


'Sup bitches

by HijikataTrash



Category: Gintama
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Attempt at Humor, Best Friends, Everyone Is Gay, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Group chat, I try, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Memes, Mentions of drugs, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Skype, Texting, This Is STUPID, Weddings, almost, and im not funny, au where takasugi is chill, bookstore owner gintoki, but like not in details, everyone is chill, florist katsura, for now, its very light tho, kamui and Shinpachi make appearances, kinkshaming lmaooo, model hijikata, netflix movies, reference to sex, short but still there, supportive babies, university student kagura, university student sakamoto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 23:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 36,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11323803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HijikataTrash/pseuds/HijikataTrash
Summary: The man: i just wanted to share the video of the century with yalls ugly assesThe man: btw talking about uglies, i heard a rumour that Takasugi got plastic surgerySakamoto: did you start that rumourThe man: how dare youThe man: yes I did





	1. To eat ass or to not eat ass

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by so many so many fics I've read. Those are my favourite types so I tried doing one of my own with my favourite anime;-; I hope its good even though I'm not sure its so different from the other things I write canlsfd.Kh
> 
> Enjoy!!!

_**StrawberryMilk** _ _added **fruitpunchsamurai** , **destroyeverything** and **Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** to the conversation._

**StrawberryMilk** : Sup' bitches this about to be lit

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : Um excuse me??? What is this

**StrawberryMilk** : A group chat for us four obviously?

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : Gintoki i ain't that dumb but who is destroyeverything NDKSNDLD this is funny I wish I'd found this name first

**StrawberryMilk** : Takasugi

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : UR JOKING

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : U HAVE TO BE

**Destroyeverything** : say one more word I dare you

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : r u a 12 yr old emo kid i'm on the verge of tears

**Destroyeverything** : Zura st o p laughing I s2g

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : im seriously about to piss myself

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : youre so fucking extra i can't believe this

**Destroyeverything** : I'm coming over and I'm shoving my sword up your ass

**StrawberryMilk** : kinky

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : y'all stop fighting its like 9 in the morning and Im trying to sleep

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : hum

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : its actually 3 in the afternoon

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : wHAT

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : ITS WhAT

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : im so ded

**StrawberryMilk** : why

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : when i die I want gintoki to have my glasses

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : zura you can have my coat

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : and Takasugi you have my eternal respect to remember me by, live well my friends

**Destroyeverything** : keep your fucking respect for yourself? Die

**Destroyeverything** : what a shitty thing to leave me honestly? Do you hate me Sakamoto?

**Destroyeverything** : fuck you bitch thats what wow the disRESPECT

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : Honest to god I cannot receive a message from you without crying from laughter

**Destroyeverything** : fuck you too

**StrawberryMilk** : guys

**StrawberryMilk** : I think Sakamoto dead fr

**Destroyeverything** : good? Let him

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : RUDE

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : After all I've done for you! I gave birth to you you ungrateful brat

**StrawberryMilk** : hours of labor for this child? Might as well have killed him right then and there

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : and now he'll destroy everything

**StrawberryMilk** : NDKSMELSNE

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : SOMEONES AT MY DOOR IM SCARED

**StrawberryMilk** : calm down drama bitch it's probably like a delivery or sometimh

**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** : isn't anyone interested in why I almost died

**StrawberryMilk** : no

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : no

**Destroyeverything** : no

_**Sakamoto（＾ω＾）** changed his name for **Sakamoto(◞‸◟)**_

**Sakamoto(◞‸◟)** : y'all mean

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : HELPPPP CALL 911

**StrawberryMilk** : no

**Sakamoto(◞‸◟)** : die

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : IM ABOUT TO

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : i am currently locked in my bathroom waiting for jesus to save me

**Destroyeverything** : open the door motherfucker you bout to catch these hands

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : ngl I'm a little turned on rn

**StrawberryMilk** : I'm?????

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : i'm sorry it's kind of hot : /

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : anyway Sugi is about to kill me bc I can't stop laughing at his username

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : no need to worry I will be fine I'm hiding in the bathroom

**Destroyeverything** : It's all good until you starve to death bitch

**StrawberryMilk** : welp this escalated quickly

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : see y'all in hell

**Sakamoto(◞‸◟)** : have a safe trip

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : HOW I WILL BE DYING AND IN HELL

**Sakamoto(◞‸◟)** : idk what did you want me to say

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : that you're coming to my rescue obv????

**Sakamoto(◞‸◟)** : Sugi stop

**Sakamoto(◞‸◟)** : here

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : geez thanks

**Sakamoto(◞‸◟)** : always my pleasure

_**Fruitpunchsamurai** changed Destroyeverything's name to **Hands**._

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : idk what's with me today but I have the hots for Takasugi

**StrawberryMilk** : you have the hots for him everyday what r u talking about

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : fair

**Hands** : why this tho

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : haNDS

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : hAnDs

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : I'm having a stroke just thinking about them

**Sakamoto(◞‸◟)** : as the straightest man in this chat I second

**StrawberryMilk** : as the gayest man in this chat I agree too

**Hands** : i guess

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : we made peace over me findinf him a better name

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : Now instead of laughing I just moan

**Hands** : STOP

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

* * *

 

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : y'all

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : can I add my best dude on here

**StrawberryMilk** : excuse you??? Aren't we your best dudes? B r o

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : I have other friends

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : they are less assholes unless y'all disrespectful fools

**StrawberryMilk** : i'm gonna pretend like I wasn't totally hurt by this just now

**StrawberryMilk** : add him idec

**Sakamoto(◞‸◟):** I feel betrayed

**Hands** : same? I suddenly hate Zura

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : you always hate me nskskslamsis

**Hands** : let a man breathe would u

**Fruitpunchsamurai** : aight Imma add him

**StrawberryMilk** : Wai

**StrawberryMilk** : t

**_StrawberryMilk_ ** _changed **Sakamoto(◞‸◟)** 's name for **Legs**._

**Legs** : thabk ??! A compliment from gintoki imma cry for days

_**StrawberryMilk** changed **Fruitpunchsamurai's** name for **Abs.**_

_**StrawberryMilk** changed his name for Arms._

**Arms** : our best features tbh

**Abs** : ok im adding him act civilized

_**Abs** added **Hijikata** to the conversation_.

**Abs** : body parts, Hijikata. Hijikata, body parts. Hope y'all get along

**Hijikata** : where am I

**Arms** : a sect

**Hands** : ya

**Hijikata** : Are you aware that I'm a police officer?

**Arms** : ABORT MISSION

**Legs** : KICK HIM O U T

**Hijikata** : I'm joking. I'm not.

**Hands** : funny bitch

**Hands** : sorry is it okay to call you bitch yet?

**Hijikata** : what

**Abs** : guys

**Abs** : youre gonna scare him away

**Arms** : sorry we still ain't good enough for you

**Abs** : c'mon r u mad fr

**Arms** : what if I am huh

**Hijikata** : Sakamoto why did you almost die two days ago? I'm curious as well as a bit concerned.

**Arms** : Not the time "Hijikata"

**Legs** : Hi I am Sakamoto and I think I've just fallen for a man

**Legs** : he actually cares unlike y'all???

**Legs** : Zura's right He is grEAT

**Hijikata** : I don't think...

**Legs** : anyway!!!! Mutsu (my bf but also almost gf) and I had a date to the movies and I overslept

**Abs** : overslept? You slept for like 26 hours

**Legs** : shut up you're gonna make me look bad in front of my future mans

**Abs** : you're straight sis

**Legs** : leave me alo n e

**Legs** : so I overslept a little and missed it and she's like super crazy (love her like that) and kicked my ass for it. Anyway, did I mention that I loved her anyway

**Legs** : bc I do ok don't call the police it aint abuse

**Hijikata** : I guess that makes sense.

**Arms** : Hijikata what do u do in life

**Abs** : Gintoki...

**Arms** : what? It's an harmless question

**Hijikata** : i'm not comfortable answering this question to strangers

**Arms** : nothing to be embarrassed about my dude, look Zura sells fucking flowers, i eat ass, sakamoto still in uni and sugi. Well we dont really know what he does but it involves sword. Could be roleplay or anything really

**Hands** : do you ever shut the fuck up

Hands: youre next on my list on who to beat up

**Hands** : also, did you just say you eat ass as a job

**Arms** : well shit I wasn't going to say i sell books was I?

**Hands** : thats kind of it tho

**Arms** : caught in my own game

**Arms** : but I still eat ass

**Abs** : eating ass is disgusting tbh

**Legs** : second

_**Arms** left the conversation._

_**Hands** added **Arms** to the conversation_.

**Arms** : well Sugi, I think we know who the realest are now

**Arms** : its me and u)

**Abs** : HIJIKATA WHAT DO YOU THINK

**Hijikata** : I

**Hijikata** : its acceptable

**Arms** : JCKSOSMEOSN TELL HIM

**Abs:** Suddenly I can't read.,, i cant

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Kinkshame me

**Abs** : Are you awake

 **Abs** : i need someone to kinkshame me right now

 **Legs** : you what now

 **Abs** : what are you doin awake go the fuck to sleep????

 **Legs** : YOURE THE ONE WHO ASKED NSLSNS

 **Abs:** its 3 am no ones awake at this time

 **Legs** : so...what r u then

 **Abs** : no one

 **Legs** : alright I think your boyfriend is rubbing off on you

 **Legs** : emo

 **Abs** : he iS NOT MY BF

 **Abs** : wouldn't mind but we aint a thing

 **Legs** : whatevr you say champ

 **Abs** : anyway kinkshame me sakamoto

 **Legs** : depends

 **Abs** : i had this one night with a guy and he wanted me to wear this weird ass mask

 **Abs** : at first I wasn't sure but then I was more like

 **Abs** : huh can't hurt anybody

 **Abs** : I was pretty smashed alright so I didn't realize at first

 **Abs** : god this is embarassing

 **Legs** : IM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT SPILL!!!!

 **Abs** : the next morning I saw the mask and it was...

 **Abs** : a shrek mask. There i said it

 **Hands** : EXCUSE ME WHAT

 **Arms** : IM YELLING DLSNEJWOD ZURA WHY WOULD UOU DO THSI

 **Abs** : WHAT THE SHU UP FUCK THE

 **Abs** : YALL WERENT THERE A SECOND AGO

 **Hijikata** : Shrek like..the actual Shrek? The green ogre who lives in a swamp like

 **Hijikata** : that one?

 **Arms** : what arE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP

 **Hands** : W W W WHAT WWW WHAT

 **Abs** : leave me alone I was so fuckin drunk I swear i didn know

 **Hijikata** : how could u not know even when drunk cosmdosnslwn

 **Legs** : shrek is love shrek is life

 **Legs** : you wanted to be kinkshamed

 **Abs** : i thought it was only going to be u

 **Abs** : but the whole gc kinkshaming me is too much

 **Abs** : i feel disgusted

 **Arms** : you should

 **Hands** : you should

 **Hijikata** : you should

 **Legs** : you should

 **Abs** : im gonna kms

_**Arms** changed **Abs** ' name for **Shrek**._

**Shrek** : that is incredibly rude

 **Arms** : deal with it shrek

* * *

 

 **Shrek** : OKOKOL Li s t en

 **Shrek** : I went out with Hijikata tonight

 **Hands** : wait and you didn't invite me or anyone else

 **Shrek** : does it look like I did

 **Hands** : wow ok I get the message

 **Shrek** : im SORFY DNT BE UPSET

 **Shrek** : but ok hear me out

 **Shrek** : _sent a photo_

 **Hands** : oh my god I'm gay

 **Legs** : fuck I knew he was made for me look aT HIM

 **Shrek** : I kid you not everyone was over him at the club

 **Shrek** : we almost died

 **Arms** : can I get uhhhhhhhhhhh new wig

 **Shrek** : IKR

 **Hijikata** : stop im embarassed

 **Hijikata** : took everything in me to go out like this

 **Hijikata** : fishnets are surprisingly popular

 **Shrek** : but you look so good????? How

 **Arms** : im bald rn

 **Hijikata** : is that a compliment or

 **Arms** : yeah basically you blew my wig away

 **Arms** : like mind but wig

 **Arms** : memes

 **Hijikata** : thats cute :)

 **Arms** : brb

_[ **Arms** to **Shrek** in a private conversation]_

**Arms** : bitch What tHe fuck

 **Arms** : your friend is too much for me

 **Arms** : this is not healthy

 **Shrek** : oh mon dieu do you have a crush Gintoki

 **Arms** : how could I not

 **Arms** : he is the sweetest most beautiful person to exist

 **Arms:** oof im sweaty rn

 **Shrek** : holy shit can i tell like...everyone

 **Arms** : n O

 **Arms** : this is a secret

 **Shrek** : i hate secrets

 **Arms** : i dont really care

 **Arms** : shut your big ass mouth now

* * *

 

 **Legs** : so if you followed im straight

 **Legs** : but I have non straight experiences

 **Legs** : get it?

 **Hijikata** : I guess that makes sense?

 **Legs** : yeh but im like 100% straight so gintoki zura and takasugi will never have me

 **Hands** : gInToKi ZuRa AnD tAkAsUgI wIlL nEvEr HaVe Me

 **Legs** : SHUT UPD SKDND

 **Arms** : the fuck we miss

 **Hands** : scroll up slut

 **Arms** : alright dont slutshame??? This job should be respected

 **Hands** : your not even a slut why r u mad

 **Arms** : you're*

 **Arms** : also fuck those usernames im tired

_**Arms** changed his name for **Silver.**_

_**Silver** changed **legs** ' name for **Sakamoto.**_

_**Silver** changed **hands** ' name for **Takasubi.**_

**Silver** : sakamoto why did u expose us like that

 **Silver** : maybe I didn't want to come out yet?!? Did you stop to think about my feelings?

 **Sakamoto** : shut up the first thing you do when meeting someone new is literally shake their hands and say "im gay"

 **Silver** : im proud of my sexuality

 **Hijikata** : i like the pun with Takasugi's name:)

 **Hijikata** : tell me I understood right and its bc he is bi

 **Silver** : yes!!!! Thanks for the recognition

 **Silver** : anyway now that we were exposed its Hijikata's turn

 **Hijikata** : what do you want me to say exactly

 **Silver** : which way do you swing

 **Hijikata** : oh

 **Hijikata** : well since everyone is comfortable with it I'll just go ahead

 **Hijikata** : I'm bi

 **Takasubi** : M8

 **Takasubi** : you really know whats up

 **Takasubi** : first hes for ass eating thEN HE IS BI??

 **Takasubi** : lemme take you out on a date

 **Sakamoto:** back off bitch he mine

 **Shrek** : go back to your girls Sakamoto

 **Sakamoto** : geez calm down

 **Silver** : great thats v v cool

 **Silver** : no biggie

 **Silver** : clearly assumed you were straight tho

 **Hijikata** : shit happens

 **Shrek** : are you all in for a group call

 **Shrek** : pls i love you

 **Silver** : k

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 was surprisingly really fun to write and idk why everyone is gay...they just are


	3. Spoiler free zone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all need to watch Okja on netflix right now its so good

**Silver** : I come in peace

 **Silver** : and I have receipts

 **Hijikata** : What kind of receipts? Did you go shopping?

 **Silver** : Hijikata, darling, do me a favour and study hard on memes

 **Silver** : for me

 **Silver** : and the sake of the gc

 **Hijikata** : alright I'll work on my knowledge

 **Hijikata** : for you

 **Hijikata** : and the sake of the gc, ofc

 **Silver** : thank

 **Silver** : anyway are u ready for this

 **Hijikata** : yeah sure

 **Silver** : _sent a video_

 **Silver** : this is cringy

 **Hijikata** : my eyes

 **Hijikata** : they are bleeding

 **Silver** : bitch me too!!??

 **Takasubi** : first of all, fuck you both

 **Takasubi** : second of all, i was HIGH

 **Takasubi** : lastly, he was really hot so

 **Silver** : but why are you twerking on his dick like a wasted white girl who can't shake her ass for two cents

 **Silver** : i know you move better than that

 **Silver** : i cringed so hard i almost died of secondhand embarrassment

 **Hijikata** : yeah..

 **Takasubi** : i was HIGH BITCH HIGH

 **Takasubi:** how did you even get this video

 **Takasubi** : you werent there

 **Silver** : i always have receipts

 **Silver** : and eyes all over town

 **Takasubi** : w h o

 **Silver** : snitching is for bitches

 **Takasubi** : good thing thats what u are

 **Silver** : ouhh roasted

 **Silver** : alright Kagura filmed it

 **Hijikata** : whos that

 **Silver** : a girl I know

 **Silver** : she goes to uni with sakamoto

 **Silver** : she cray

 **Takasubi** : shes dead

 **Takasubi** : how dare she taint my dignity like that

 **Silver** : shut up you literally sent us a nude on snapchat the other day

 **Silver** : accidentally but still

 **Silver** : my eyes didn't appreciate it

 **Takasubi** : im out

 **Silver** : hey we should add Hijikata on the snapchat group

 **Hijikata** : u really dont have to

 **Silver** : shut up whats ur snap

 **Hijikata** : toshirou12

 **Silver** : is that your name

 **Hijikata** : ...obviously

 **Silver** : its so cute it suits you well

 **Hijikata** : thanks:)

 **Silver** : here now you can send us cute pictures of your face

 **Silver** : no nudes pls

 **Silver** : ...yet

 **Hijikata** : can I also snap you privately? Or is that too much

 **Silver** : thats fine really whenever u want sweetheart

 **Hijikata** : :)

_[ **Shrek** to **Silver** in a private conversation]_

**Shrek** : sweaty :::::))))

 **Shrek** : you are so whIPPED

 **Silver** : STOP

 **Silver** : hes so cute how did you find a friend like that

 **Shrek** : i'll have u know that I have lots of amazing friends

 **Shrek** : like Hijikata, Sugi, sakamoto, Kondo, Sougo

 **Silver** : named everyone but me im insulted

 **Silver** : im a great friend

 **Shrek** : keep thinking that:))))

 **Silver** : give me his number

 **Silver:** Hijikata's

 **Shrek** : if you want it you have to work for it

 **Silver** : i'll do anything

 **Shrek** : nuh uh

 **Silver** : i hate you

 **Shrek** : yeah welcome to the club

 **Silver** : STOP I LOVE YOU

 **Shrek** : knew you'd say that

 **Silver** : ಠ_ಠ

* * *

 

 **Takasubi** : and yeah basically she set the whole kitchen on fire """"""accidentally"""""" so shes never charged of the food anymore

 **Hijikata** : she looks like fun tho

 **Hijikata** : i mean, setting shit on fire isn't really fun but still

 **Hijikata** : If no one's hurt

 **Takasubi** : yeah Kagura needs some monitoring most of the time

 **Hijikata** : i can understand why

 **Silver** : OMG THAT TIME WAS HILARIOUS

 **Silver** : i still wonder how she managed to set salad on fire

 **Silver** : a mystery mankind will never unveil

 **Shrek** : the fhcming salad fkskelspsmsnen i swear i pissed my pants in both fright and laughter

 **Shrek** : oh my god we should add her

 **Shrek** : shes fun

_**Shrek** added **Queen™** to the conversation._

**Queen™** : hi hi

 **Silver** : yo

 **Queen™** : HAS ANY OF YOU WATCHED OKJA ON NETFLIX

 **Sakamoto** : I DID

 **Queen™** : it honestly ruined my life

 **Queen™** : imma be the most vegan person on the planet from now on

 **Queen™** : i just finished it and I cried my eyes out the whole movie

 **Sakamoto** : IKR

 **Sakamoto** : it makes you realize how the food industry is ready to kill anything as long as its good

 **Sakamoto** : i feel blessed to be vegan

 **Sakamoto** : no meat we eat leaves like men

 **Queen™** : can we talk about Seo-Hyeon Ahn

 **Queen™** : SHES 13 FFS

 **Queen™** : shes a prodigy so much talent in that kid

 **Sakamoto** : yes!!!! Her acting is good so good!!!!

 **Sakamoto** : i want to protect her from everything

 **Sakamoto** : deserves happiness

 **Queen™** : 100% agree

 **Silver** : i dont understand anything

 **Silver** : what is Okja

 **Silver** : oh god I just searched it up and what is that crEATURE

 **Queen™** : its a genetically modified pig you heartless slut

 **Queen™** : she didn't ask to be put in this world and shes cute and deserves happiness

 **Silver:** bouh ouh like all of us

 **Silver** : my mum birthed me, instantly caging me in this prison flesh that I never asked for btw

 **Silver** : can I get a movie now

 **Queen™** : shut ur disrespectful mouth u ugly mf

 **Queen™** : watch it and come back after

 **Hijikata** : it looks interesting I would sure like to see it too

 **Hijikata** : but i dont have netflix :(

 **Silver** : you could..come over and watch it with me

 **Silver** : if you want to

 **Silver** : not forcing you to

 **Hijikata:** I'd really like that actually:)

 **Silver** : I'll send you the address in private?

 **Hijikata** : perfect, I'll be there in 15 minutes

_[ **Silver** to **Shrek** in a private conversation]_

**Silver** : HE IS FUCKING COMING OVER

 **Silver** : AT MY HOUSE

 **Silver** : IN FIFTEEN GODDAMN MINUTES

 **Silver** : WHAT DO I DO AIRHEAD ANSWER

 **Shrek** : ITS HAPPENING

 **Shrek** : EVERYBODY STAY CALM

 **Shrek** : EVERYBODY STAY FUCKING CALM

 **Silver** : SHUT YOU MEME ASS MOHRTH

 **Shrek** : take a shower I'm sure youre like an homeless rn

 **Shrek** : change in something casual but also well thought

 **Shrek** : i believe in you

 **Shrek** : get dicked down!!!

 **Silver** : BITCH ITS A NETFLIX MOVIE

 **Shrek** : definitely exposing you later for doing netflix and chill

 **Silver** : nothing will happened were watching a movie about Koreans and GM pigs

 **Shrek** : ok thats a turn off

 **Shrek** : even for me

 **Shrek** : i mean the GM pigs not the koreans, im not racist pls dont attacc

 **Shrek** : anyway, get the fuck in the shower you ugly ass bich

 **Silver** : alright BYE

 **Shrek** : good luck(*≧∀≦*)

* * *

 

 **Hijikata** : alright so Gintoki is crying on the bed

 **Hijikata** : he keeps whispering "they deserve better"

 **Queen™** : you damn right they did

 **Silver** : THE LITTLE BABY WHO GOT AWAY

 **Silver** : SO HEARTLESS I WANNA CRY

 **Hijikata** : thats what youre doing rn

 **Queen™** : lmaooooo

 **Shrek** : no spoiler

 **Shrek** : i wanna watch it some day

 **Silver** : "someday"

 **Shrek** : when Takasugi takes me on a date

 **Shrek:** someday

 **Silver** : k bih but youre missing something i tell you dat

 **Queen™** : you were the movie's biggest hater 2 hours ago

 **Silver** : a sane man always changes his mind

 **Queen™** : yeah righhhht

 **Hijikata:** anyway the movie is really good

 **Hijikata** : best two hours of my life spent on a movie

 **Hijikata** : might have something to do with company I had too

 **Silver** : stop im blushing like a school girl

 **Hijikata** : were in the same room u know that right

 **Silver** : ouhhhh right

 **Hijikata** : lets eat

 **Silver** : yeah good idea

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so fun to write my god;-;


	4. Dick pic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They all have a family in this fic. 
> 
> Gintoki- only has his mum.  
> Zura- only has his dad.  
> Hijikata- has older brothers but no parents.  
> Takasugi- has both of his parents.  
> Sakamoto- has both of his parents  
> Kagura- has both of her parents and an older brother. (Kamui)
> 
> For further references: 
> 
> Shinpachi and Tae only have each other.  
> Sougo's sister is alive but she's his only family.  
> Kondo has no one.

**Silver** : will I ever be enough

 **Silver** : for like anyone, ever

 **Silver** : im so tired and sad and drunk

 **Silver** : thanks autocorrect

 **Shrek** : hum did u drink alone

 **Shrek:** without us :(

 **Shrek** : im offended

 **Silver** : sorry i've disappointed yet another person in this godforsaken world

 **Silver** : what did I do to deserve dis

 **Shrek** : are u alright

 **Shrek** : you dont seem...normal

 **Silver** : yeah..normal me is usually happy and memeing

 **Silver** : but tonigjt i feel so bleh

 **Silver** : mayb its ghe alcohol

 **Hijikata** : Gintoki you are enough

 **Hijikata** : you're a good friend

 **Hijikata** : also its 2 a.m go to sleep

 **Silver** : yeah no thanks

 **Silver** : nice joke im a "good friend"

 **Silver** : god created me to be evil

 **Hijikata** : stop. who did you even disappoint?

 **Silver:** i have a mum

 **Silver** : and shes really like strict

 **Silver** : even tho im a grown ass man she thinks she can dictate my life

 **Silver** : shes really supportive I mean shes alright with me being gay

 **Silver** : but she still expects me to bring a girl to her and marry her or some shit

 **Silver** : and today she lashed out at me for it

 **Silver** : saying i'd never have children, breaking her only hope of grandchildren

 **Silver** : bc im an only child

 **Hijikata** : wow thats sad

 **Silver:** yea and ive brought disappointment to her again

 **Silver** : she'll hate me forever bc of it

 **Hijikata** : you can still adopt

 **Hijikata** : its the same

 **Silver** : tell that to my mum

 **Hijikata** : anyhow you didn't chose to be gay; its who you are

 **Hijikata** : either she deals with it or she doesn't

 **Hijikata** : if she doesn't its sad, really

 **Silver** : im so sad fr why ami liek this

 **Hijikata** : youre perfectly fine like you are

 **Silver** : ...

 **Hijikata** : i mean it. and right now I'm worried abt you, where are u?

 **Silver** : good question

 **Hijikata** : can I call you?

 **Silver** : hm yeah sure

 **Silver** : its cool, totally

 **Silver** : i'll send u my number?

 **Hijikata** : already have it:)

 **Silver** : what

 **Hijikata** : zura gave it to me.

 **Silver** : oh okay

* * *

 

 **Silver** : i just woke up

 **Silver** : on an unknown couch

 **Silver** : and i dnt remember much from yesterday

 **Silver** : anyone wanna explain?

 **Takasubi** : you called me at 4 and I didn't answer so you left a vocal message

 **Takasubi:** your words, exactly: "uhhhh wig snatched from Hijikata's place. The couch is comfortable and it smells like him"

 **Takasubi** : then its you inhaling and hanging up.

 **Takasubi** : you were pretty smashed man

 **Shrek** : also got a call but at 3 in the goddamn morning.

 **Shrek** : you were gone my dude

 **Shrek** : i answered tho

 **Shrek** : was worried:(

 **Shrek** : but you only screamed

 **Shrek** : like..,thats it

 **Takasubi** : KCKSOSPANSSK

 **Shrek** : here I was, nervous and worried

 **Shrek** : and he just

 **Shrek** : scream

 **Takasubi** : this is so funny

 **Sakamoto** : i only got one text from him

 **Sakamoto** : it just says "fuck you" and was sent at 1 a.m

 **Takasubi** : NSKSMSOSS

 **Takasubi** : this is great

 **Shrek** : he wasn't even drunk at that time he just hates you i guess KDKSMSKSN

_**Sakamoto** left the conversation._

**Queen™** : I didn't even get anything

 **Queen™** : gin doesn't think of me when hes drunk:(

 **Silver** : this is so not helpful y'all

 **Silver** : how did i end up here

 **Queen™** : scroll up

 **Silver** : im gonna kms

 **Silver** : i sound so pathetic

 **Silver:** never drinking ever again

 **Shrek** : party at my place tonight, free drinks

 **Silver** : count me in

 **Silver:** oh...that was a test wasn't it

 **Silver** : welp

 **Hijikata** : hope you got home safely

 **Hijikata** : you could have stayed tho

 **Silver** : im too embarrassed to face you rn

 **Hijikata:** it wasn't that bad...you threw up only once

 **Hijikata** : insulted yourself about 346 times

 **Hijikata** : slept on my lap for 30 minutes

 **Hijikata** : tripped down the stairs twice

 **Hijikata** : thats it tho

 **Silver** : thats why my hips hurt so much...

 **Takasubi** : youre so fucking embarrassing Gintoki i swear to god

 **Takasubi** : what kind of loser are you

 **Shrek:** thats why people hate you gintoki

 **Silver** : gee thanks

 **Silver** : i still feel like shit bc of my mum y'all

 **Silver** : go easy on me

 **Hijikata** : yeah leave him alone he doesn't deserve this

 **Silver** : :)

 **Hijikata** : i think you called me beautiful a bunch of times too

 **Hijikata** : definitely tried to pull me in the shower with you when I forced you in

 **Silver** : oh god I'm sorry

 **Queen™** : this is too much i wanna cry for you

 **Queen™** : why are you such a mess when drunk

 **Queen™** : youre the worst

 **Silver** : lets all remember that Hitler existed and Trump still exists

 **Silver** : im an angel alright

 **Queen™** : stop or im sending your dick pics here

 **Takasubi** : me too

 **Shrek** : im ready to go to such extends too

 **Hijikata** : why do you all have his dick in pictures

 **Shrek** : he tends to do that when he is drunk

 **Shrek** : you should get some soon if not already

 **Silver** : stop exposing me ndksksosnsi

 **Silver** : its too early in the morning for this

 **Queen™** : i agree lets all go back to sleep

 **Silver** : night y'all

* * *

 

 **Takasubi** : did anyone ever add Sakamoto back...its been a week already

 **Shrek** : oops?

_**Takasubi** added **Sakamoto** to the conversation._

**Shrek** : sorry Sakamoto:))))

 **Sakamoto** : i hate you all

 **Shrek** : cant be helped

 **Sakamoto** : youre mean

 **Shrek** : we had a lot to deal with srry

 **Sakamoto** : for a week?

 **Shrek** : well I have this big ass wedding in a few days and I spent the whole week working on the flower arrangements ;-;

 **Shrek** : im so tired this is draining

 **Shrek** : the bride is a huge bitch and she keeps changing her mind

 **Shrek** : and im just a man

 **Sakamoto** : poor you

 **Takasubi** : you should tell her to fuck off

 **Shrek** : yeah but after that im leaving the shop for a week for vacancies

 **Takasubi** : who'll take care of the shop?

 **Shrek:** no one

 **Shrek:** business out for a week wont do me any harm

 **Takasubi** : i guess

 **Takasubi** : what r u going to do during that week

 **Sakamoto** : please tell me your organizing a party, please

 **Shrek** : yeah I am

 **Shrek** : its going to be lit!!!!

 **Sakamoto** : fuck yessss

 **Sakamoto** : what day

 **Shrek** : friday

 **Sakamoto** : yeah bitch no classes the next day!!!!

 **Shrek** : im doing it friday precisely for you and Kagura

 **Shrek** : i want all of my mates there

 **Takasubi** : does that mean Sougo and Kondo are invited

 **Sakamoto** : ouh yes!! I haven't seen them in ages

 **Shrek** : yup

 **Shrek** : also Shinpachi is comin

 **Shrek** : but not Tae bc she has work the next day

 **Sakamoto** : :(

 **Sakamoto** : can I bring Mutsu

 **Shrek** : 'course

 **Sakamoto** : this is going to be amazing

 **Hijikata:** am I invited as well?

 **Shrek** : hum??? Yes??? What kinda question

 **Hijikata:** just wanted to make sure

 **Hijikata** : its been a while seen ive seen Sougo and Kondo too:)

 **Takasubi** : wait u know them

 **Hijikata** : yeah we all went to the same uni with zura

 **Takasubi** : so thats why you know zura

 **Sakamoto** : but we have all of those friends in common???? And we never met??? What the frick

 **Hijikata** : idk i was never a social person so

 **Takasubi** : understandable

 **Hijikata** : have a good day

 **Takasubi** : omg you know that meme

 **Hijikata** : I did my research like Gintoki asked

 **Takasubi** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Shrek** : Sugi stop

 **Sakamoto** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Shrek** : STOP

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Death Note deserved better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiii! This chapter might have some Attack on titan manga spoilers? Be careful of that^-^

**Queen™** : I just finished Haikyuu and man

 **Queen™** : i am so proud of my crow babies

 **Queen™** : but Oikawa's team deserved so much better!!!!!!!

 **Takasubi** : you JUST finished it? It's been out for a year now

 **Queen™** : i still have to watch season 3 ;-;

 **Takasubi** : I am definitely spoiling you

 **Queen™** : STOP PLEASE DNT DO DAT

 **Queen™** : i'll do anything

 **Takasubi** : anything( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Queen™** : y'all need to stop with this weird ass face

 **Silver** : dont wanna ruin the convo but Iwaoi is my otp

 **Queen™** : ever heard of...OiYama

 **Takasubi** : im interested.

 **Queen™** : Oikawa and Yamaguchi

 **Silver** : HOW

 **Queen™** : BITCH RARE PAIRS ARE MY SHIT

 **Silver** : IwaOi is undeniable stop it you crackhead

 **Queen™** : listen i ship both

 **Queen™** : imma multishipper

 **Takasubi** : i am currently scrolling thru the OiYama tag on tumblr and lemme tell you

 **Takasubi:** they are fucking cute

 **Takasubi** : I still love IwaOi and Tsukiyama more bye

 **Silver** : you are THE man

 **Queen™** : i love Tsukiyama too!!

 **Silver** : I wrote a fanfic about Iwaoi they are my shit

 **Silver** : nothing will ever top them god they are soulmates

 **Queen™** : ok but hear me out...eruri

 **Takasubi** : JUST FUCK ME UP WILL YOU

 **Takasubi** : THEY DESERVED AN HAPPING ENDING

 **Queen™** : i love them so much why is Isayama such a lil bitch

 **Silver** : Stop do not talk about Erwin in my presence I will cry

 **Silver** : i have tears in my eyes i am dying please stop

 **Silver** : Imagine Levi's sadness ahhhhhhh thats it im crying

 **Queen™** : STOP ME TOO

 **Takasubi** : talking abt Attack on titan does anyone understand a goddamn fucking thing thats happening in the manga rn

 **Takasubi** : bc i sure as hell dont

 **Silver** : im gonna stop you here

 **Silver** : i havent read the manga

 **Silver** : so shut your lil mouth

 **Takasubi:** how do you know about Erwin tho?

 **Silver** : Kagura is a bitch and spoiled me 

 **Takasubi:** rip

 **Takasubi:** but y'all are sooooo behind everything

 **Takasubi** : kagura with haikyuu and you with aot

 **Takasubi** : im tired of holding the spoilers in smh

 **Shrek** : HI IM CAUGHT UP IN EVERYTHING

 **Shrek** : just fucking name it

 **Takasubi** : alright lets test it out

 **Takasubi** : inuyasha?

 **Shrek** : yup

 **Takasubi** : bungou stray dogs

 **Shrek** : yessss poe my mans

 **Takasubi** : naruto

 **Shrek** : who do you take me for????

 **Takasubi** : boku no hero academia

 **Shrek** : hun yes!! Todoroki is my lil baby

 **Takasubi** : cheer danshi

 **Shrek** : cheerleading is now my shit bc of those boyas

 **Takasubi** : barakamon

 **Shrek** : THIS ANIME IS SO GOOD WAAA HANDA;-;

 **Takasubi** : no.6

 **Shrek** : bitch I cried my eyes out at the end

 **Takasubi** : sword art online

 **Shrek** : unfortunately yes

_**Takasubi** changed **Shrek** 's name for **The man**._

**Takasubi** : you know everything fr marry me

 **The man** : you better not ask me that twice

 **Takasubi** : what if i do( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **The man** : stop im squealing like a teen girl

 **Takasubi** : ur cute

 **Queen™** : ok this is gross

 **Silver:** i agree

 **Queen™** : while you were flirting i prepared my outfit for tomorrow

 **Queen™** : _sent a photo_

 **The man** : you are living up to your username!!!!

 **Takasubi** : what the fuck how can you be cute and hot at the same time

 **The man** : ikr??? Its like I want to tug her into bed and protect her

 **The man** : but at the same time I'd take you out in a club and let you go wild

 **The man** : sometimes i need to remind myself that im gay

 **Takasubi** : oh you'll remember all right when you see my outfit

 **Silver** : first Kags you are gorgeous slay that fucking skirt!!!! Second Sugi hun send a pic

 **Takasubi** : issa surprise

 **The man** : im about to cry show us

 **Takasubi** : you can wait a day

 **The man** : i, in fact, can not

 **Takasubi** : too bad :)

_[ **Takasubi** to **Silver** in a private conversation]_

**Takasubi** : _sent a photo_

 **Silver** : Zura is gonna flip his shit

 **Silver** : there is so much disrespect in this pic

 **Silver** : how the fuck do you rock these jeans so well

 **Takasubi** : ever since I saw that Hijikata pic I knew fishnets were for me

 **Takasubi** : under jeans is the best fucking thing

 **Silver** : mannnn you honestly look good asf

 **Takasubi** : thanks bih

 **Silver** : i hope you get some ass you deserve it

 **Takasubi** : will do dnt worry

 

* * *

 

  
**Queen™** : i will forever be angry bc of L's death

 **Queen™** : he deserved so much fuckin better

 **The man** : gurl i know what u mean

 **The man** : i was so mad too;(

 **The man** : i love Light he is a smart motherfucker but L should have lived

 **Queen™** : my thoughts exactly

 **Silver** : while I agree, don't you think his death was important for the plot?

 **Queen™** : hum no?

 **The man** : gintoki wtf

 **Queen™** : the plot would have been 938292 times more interesting if he hadn't died

 **Queen™** : we could have witnessed an even smarter Light bc he'd have to find more ways to deceive L

 **Silver** : yeah but L was about to corner Light so he HAD to kill him

 **Silver:** plus, every other character that was introduced after would never have been if L wasn't dead

 **Silver** : so his death was relevant wether you like it or not

 **Queen™** : i hate when hes right so much

 **The man** : god dont tell me

 **Queen™** : ಠ_ಠ

 **Takasubi** : have yall seen what Netflix did to Death note tho

 **The man** : i threw up a little

 **The man** : how can you do a masterpiece this dirty

 **Silver** : I FUCKING KNOW RIGHT

 **Silver:** it looks crusty

 **Queen™** : i'll still watch it to see if it kinda matches the story

 **Silver:** i will never betray death note like this. I am NEVER watching this ugly ass movie bye

 **Takasubi** : ya same

 **The man** : netflix is cool usually but they went too far with death note

 **The man** : i hate the trailer and how they ruined it just imagine the actual movie

 **Silver** : fuck im mad again stop

* * *

 

 **The man** : i just thought about how the party is tonight

 **The man** : my flat is a mess?

 **Hijikata** : you forgot?

 **The man** : i mean

 **The man** : kinda

 **Hijikata** : i am irl slapping my forehead

 **The man** : shut up

 **The man** : come over and help me pretty pleaseeeee?

 **Hijikata** : hm i can't

 **Hijikata** : call Takasugi or something

 **The man** : why? Whats more important than me?

 **Hijikata** : im busy

 **Hijikata** : i gotta go

 **Hijikata** : gintoki says hi

 **The man** : BICYCJA WAT

 **The man** : hes fuckinf disconnected smalxneosmd

 **The man** : you cant leave me like this!??

 **Takasubi:** ginhiji is happening

 **The man** : DONT MENTION THEIR SHIP NAME HERE DUMBASS

 **The man** : thjs is something between you and me

 **Takasubi** : alright alright

 **The man** : and I thought we agreed on Hijigin?

 **Takasubi** : im never agreeing to this gintoki tops

 **The man** : alright bitch dnt talk to me or my sons ever again

 **Takasubi** : want me to come over or not?

 **The man** : ...yeah

 **Takasugi** : omw

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long update hope yall enjoyed


	6. Wild night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sick atm but I wanted to post anyway so this is a little rushed and messy sorry;-; I hope you enjoy anyway!

**Silver** : just minding my own business but why is Kondo sleeping on me

 **Silver** : oh god its 10 am

 **Silver** : yall awake yet?

 **Sakamoto** : its just you and me

 **Sakamoto** : everyone else is sleeping

 **Silver** : shit

 **Silver** : my head hurts

 **Sakamoto** : saem

 **Sakamoto** : where r u anyway?

 **Silver** : huh the bathroom I think?

 **Silver** : yeah im in the bathroom half lying against the toilet

 **Silver** : with Kondo sleeping on my legs

 **Silver** : and oh shit

 **Silver** : hijikata is in the bathtub

 **Sakamoto** : are they okay

 **Sakamoto** : like...are they alive

 **Silver** : i guess?

 **Silver** : i mean Hijikata is soaked bc theres water in the tub

 **Silver** : hes not naked, dont panic

 **Sakamoto** : that was obvious

 **Sakamoto** : we'd have heard you scream long ago if he was

 **Silver** : shut up

 **Sakamoto** : kondo is still breathing too i hope?

 **Silver** : not sure

 **Silver** : he looks pretty dead to me

 **Sakamoto** : IM CALLING THE POLICE

 **Silver** : it wAS A JOKE

 **Sakamoto** : chill I was quoting the vine with the crayon

 **Silver** : CHRIS IS DAT A WEED

 **Sakamoto** : stop I miss vine

 **Silver** : you started???

 **Sakamoto** : no i didn't

 **Sakamoto** : mutsu looks like an angel rn

 **Sakamoto** : shes drooling on my arm but still cute

 **Silver** : awwww im throwing up

 **Sakamoto** : im comin in the bathroom and im beating your ass

 **Silver** : shhhhh Hijikata is sleeping i dont wanna wake him up

 **Silver** : anyway i dont remember much from last night

 **Sakamoto** : me neither

 **Sakamoto** : i think Sougo might know abt last night

 **Sakamoto** : he drank like two beers

 **Sakamoto** : pussy

 _ **Silver** added **Sadist** to the conversation_.

 **Sadist** : Sakamoto I am two rooms away from you don't make me come over.

 **Sakamoto** : I THOUGHT YOU WERE SLEEPING

 **Sakamoto** : and Gintoki you betrayed me I am cry

 **Silver** : thats for threatening me earlier

 **Silver** : and also for him to explain what the fuck was last night

 **Silver** : please?:))))

 **Sadist** : now, why would I do that?

 **Silver** : I have receipts on everyone, Sougo

 **Silver** : even you

 **Silver** : Do you want us to discuss that kink of yours?:))))))

 **Sadist** : Alright what do y'all want to know?

 **Sakamoto** : well now I wanna know your kink

 **Sadist** : I swear I am standing up right this second and coming into the living room.

 **Sakamoto** : IM SORRT SKSJWS PLEASE I DIDN MEAN ISKDOFKE

 **Sadist** : So.

 **Sadist** : last night was the most messed up party I ever attended.

 **Sadist** : Who even plays spin the bottle at your age, Gintoki?

 **Silver** : oh god it wasnt my idea was it

 **Sadist** : sure was. Anyway short story short, Sakamoto kissed Mutsu, Shinpachi and Kondo. Gintoki kissed Takasugi, Zura and Mutsu. Takasugi kissed Zura and Kagura.

 **Sadist** : it was wild

 **Sakamoto** : I...kissed Kondo

 **Sakamoto** : brb gonna kill myself

 **Silver** : I KISSED THE QUEEN MUTSU

 **Silver** : also those two idiots.

 **Silver** : gross

 **Silver** : Did hijikata kiss anyone...

 **Sadist** : He didn't play and me neither.

 **Sadist** : he was still sober at the time.

 **Sadist** : then we played seven minutes in heaven.

 **Sadist** : are we fucking 16 all over again?

 **Sadist** : anyway this time I played.

 **Sadist** : guess who this bitch ended up with in that mf closet?

 **Silver** : Oh god please not Hijikata

 **Sadist** : He didn't play that game either.

 **Silver** : Oh god please Kondo

 **Sadist** : ew gross no.

 **Queen™** : im awake yall

 **Queen™** : oh what is he doing here

 **Sadist** : what perfect timing you have Kagura.

 **Sadist** : it's her.

 **Silver** : WHAAJDJAOSNTT

 **Sakamoto** : IM FUCKSIN IN TAARS

 **Sadist** : I can hear you two laugh stop.

 **Sadist** : It's better than kissing Kondo, right Sakamoto?

 **Sakamoto** : triggered

 **Silver:** WHAT HAPPENED IN TBERE ONF I NEEDA KNOW

 **Silver** : KAGURA STOP IGNORING US I KNOW YOU SEE THE MESSAGES

 **Silver** : say something in your defense

 **Queen™** : well I remember that part

 **Queen™** : not like it bothers me much

 **Silver** : okay what the fUCK happened

 **Sadist** : you may never know.

 **Queen™** : just gonna tell you I know his kink too

 **Queen™** : ;)

 **Silver** : BICHT YOUWHAT!!!!

 **Sakamoto** : i woke up Mutsu bc I screamed

 **Silver** : you woke up Kondo jxkslsmPalpksoe

 **Sadist** : and Shinpachi.

 **Sakamoto** : fuck sorry yall

 **Sakamoto** : but what the actual fuck

 **Sadist** : Kagura you better shut up.

 **Queen™** : god you're so demanding

 **Queen** ™: you here to stay?

 **Sadist:** if it's all right with everyone?

 **Queen™** : i'm good

 **Silver** : yeah so its official

 **Silver** : we dont need the others' opinion

 **Silver** : im the leader so I decide

 **Sakamoto** : okay but seven minutes? What do you do in seven minutes what what

 **Takasubi** : thing is they stayed more than 7 minutes in there

 **Takasubi** : i remember

 **Takasubi** : it was at least twenty minutes

 **Takasubi** : we kind of forgot about it too so

 **Takasubi** : morning

 **Silver** : were so dumb omg the receipts id have rn

 **Sadist** : may I remind you Takasugi of how many time you also spent in there with Katsura?

 **Silver** : gosh this kid is good at making others shut up

 **Takasubi** : goodbye my friends it was good knowing you

 **Silver** : where are you rn

 **Takasubi** : in zura's bed...with Zura

 **Silver** : !!!!!!

 **Queen™** : ohuuuuu yesss get it Sugi

 **Takasubi** : bYE

 **Silver** : don't be embarrassed

 **Silver** : at least it was not Kondo cuddling your legs

 **Takasubi** : thats what you deserve

 **Silver** : wow rude

 **Sadist** : Yeah and you didn't sleep next to Shinpachi on the kitchen floor.

 **Sadist** : he snores really loudly. Its hell.

 **Sadist** : and the floor is not comfortable.

 **Silver** : yeah the one in the bathroom is also not the best

 **Queen™** : peasants

 **Takasubi** : wait where did YOU sleep

 **Queen™** : in the guests room

 **Sadist** : theres a guests room?

 **Queen™** : yeah? I slept here alone which surprises me

 **Sadist** : and I fucking slept on the floor? Why didn't I know there was another room?

 **Queen™** : its not too late

 **Silver** : Sougo just sprinted by the bathroom

 **Sakamoto** : I saw him too

 **Takasubi** : HE WENT TO THE GUEST ROOM

 **Silver** : oh ma god theyre gonna do the sex

 **Queen™** : shut fuck the up!;!:&3!!

 **Queen™** : he just came to lay on something comfortable

 **Sadist** : ya this is much better.

 **Sadist** : im going back to sleep.

 **Sadist** : night.

 **Queen™** : did any of you see Zura's instagram

 **Queen™** : he posted a video yesterday during the party

 **Queen™** : its hilarious

 **Silver** : brb

 **Silver** : IMSBSISMWPSN WHAT IDIS

 **Silver** : i dnt remember i truly dont i swear im innocent

 **Sakamoto** : KEEP TELLING URSELF THAT

 **Sakamoto** : i hope Hijikata kills you when he wakes up

 **Silver** : i hope too

 **Takasubi** : im too lazy to go on insta

 **Takasubi** : kagura, queen, tell me what is it

 **Queen™** : gintoki is basically pretending to kiss hijikata

 **Queen™** : but hijikata is sleeping

 **Queen™** : that poor innocent soul

 **Silver** : SHIT HES AWAKE

 **Silver** : mornin:)

 **Hijikata** : why are you all texting

 **Hijikata** : were literally in the same goddamn house

 **Queen™** : shut up?

 **Hijikata** : aight

 **Sakamoto** : Hijikata go on insta rn

 **Sakamoto** : its important for gintoki's death

 **Silver** : sakamoto im going to wake up sougo if you dnt stop being a lil bitch

 **Sakamoto** : shit bitch alright

 **Hijikata** : ...

 **Silver** : oh god

 **Hijikata** : i was not really sleeping...

 **Takasubi** : you wHAT

 **Hijikata** : i was...pretending.,,.

 **Queen™** : HDKksoWlwpwjoJwjsdo

 **Queen™** : this is my end. goodbye

 **Sakamoto** : oh ma god

 **Hijikata** : gintoki just ran out of the bathroom

 **Takasubi** : yeah he just jumped on me and zura were deceased

 **Takasubi** : hes heavy as fuck

 **Silver** : im sorry hijikata kxkslwkwkjd

 **Hijikata** : its not a big deal:)

 **Silver** : why arr you sonswwweet

 **Queen™** : everything alright out there?

 **Silver** : yeah zura tried to murder me

 **Queen™** : oh okay

 **Queen™:** be safe

 

 

 

 

 

 


	7. Dicks out for Jaebum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sooooo short and late but I had health problems and im busy af so bear with meಠ_ಠ Enjoy!!

**Silver** : im really fucking tired of Seokjin not getting any lines

 **Silver** : like can he get recognition for once????

 **The man** : and he's off again

 **Silver** : ok but hear me out

 **Silver** : he is the visual?

 **Silver** : how does he not get any screen time in th MVs?

 **Sadist** : who even is that?

 **Silver** : and his fucking voice?

 **Silver** : the voice of an angel

 **Silver** : the voice god would have

 **Silver** : a voice that deserves better

 **Queen™** : i totally thought Jimin or Taehyung would be your bias

 **Queen™** : they fit you

 **Silver** : bias wreckers tbh

 **Silver** : bUT SEOKJIN

 **Silver** : this motherfucking angel

 **Silver** : he has a fucking acting major

 **Silver** : and he d o e s n t a c t

 **Silver** : i deserve more

 **Silver** : JIN STANS DESERVE MORE

 **Sadist** : I don't understand a goddamn thing thats being said.

 **The man** : those are members of BTS

 **The man** : search it up or something

 **Silver:** anyway I love seokjin

 **Silver** : with his broad shoulders and soft face

 **Silver** : his long legs and nice tummy

 **Silver** : the way he dances and his angelic voice

 **Silver:** the visuals he gives us

 **Silver** : the love he gives us

 **Silver** : he loves us so much he makes all those hearts himself

 **Silver** : for us

 **Silver** : what did the world do to deserve him

 **Silver** : actually we dont deserve him

 **Silver** : i hope hes happy

 **Queen™** : whats with u tonight

 **Silver:** im rewatching BTS' mvs

 **Silver** : and i love them all sm

 **Silver** : remember that yoonjin fic i wrote

 **Queen™** : omg it was so pure ofc i do

 **Silver** : im having feels bc of it

 **Sadist** : who is the guy with pink hair?

 **Queen™** : youre gonna have to be more precise im afraid

 **Sadist** : Spring day mv?

 **Queen™** : JIMIN?

 **Sadist:** well idk man.

 **Sadist** : anyway that guy is really pretty.

 **Queen™** : I am so surprised Jimin caught your attention the most

 **Queen™** : I would have sworn Hoseok is more your type

 **Queen™** : good dancers are sooooo you tbh

 **Queen™** : here

 **Queen™** : https://youtu.be/iJJSh-eEdRk

 **Silver** : waht kinda disrespect?

 **Silver** : jimin is a great dancer too

 **Silver** : scratch that they all are good dancers

 **Queen™** : ok but you cant deny that Hoseok is like the best

 **Silver** : i love them all anyway and theyre all so good

 **Queen™** : you have so much love for them wth

 **Silver** : k bitch time t talk whos your bias

 **Queen™** : thats personal information

 **Silver** : ok bye

 **Queen™** : jk jk

 **Queen™** : Namjoon with his soft face and cute dimples

 **Queen™** : when he raps im dead asfucc

 **Queen™** : hes so sweet and nice and a great leader;;;;

 **Silver** : look at her go

 **Silver** : she's so in love

 **Queen™** : you mean like you with Hijikata?

 **Silver** : uncalled for

 **Silver** : also what the fuck

 **Silver** : how would you know that

 **Queen™** : do you think youre subtle or something?

 **Queen™** : i dont wanna pop your bubble but...

 **Silver** : ok stop

 **Silver:** lets stop

 **Hijikata** : good afternoon all

 **Queen™** : why does he always get here when were talking about him

 **Hijikata** : erm

 **Hijikata** : i just wanted to state my opinion

 **Hijikata** : my bias is Jinyoung

 **Queen™** : thats not even a bts member

 **Hijikata** : ik

 **Hijikata** : jinyoung tho

 **Queen™** : hum sorry i prefer Jackson

 **Silver** : welp we'll never agree on anything bc I l o v e Yugyeom

 **Silver** : and Youngjae

 **Sadist** : im even more lost right now.

 **The man** : got7

 **Sadist** : isn't that the kpop group who's tiny and hang out in cereals?

 **The man** : i fucking screamed

 **Queen™:** is that the impression they leave?

 **Sadist** : thats the only thing I know.

 **Sadist** : my sister showed it to me once.

 **Queen™** : step up your game sougo

 **Sadist** : I know a kpop group.

 **Sadist** : Blackpink

 **Queen™** : ofc

 **Sadist:** Only bc of my sister though. They're good.

 **Queen™** : yess ikr

 **Silver** : Seokjin number one bias forever

 **Queen™** : stop

 **Queen™** : we get it you love seokjin, we know gintoki, ok we GET it

 **Silver** : i would cuddle him to death

 **Silver** : hed have so much love he couldnt breathe

 **Sadist:** do you love him or hate  
him?

 **Silver** : DICKS OUT FOR SEOKJIN

 **Silver** : ducks out for Jaebum

 **Sadist** : why do you say things like that. Why are you so weird.

 **Silver** : im just too full of love

 **Silver** : im alone i need to take it out on someone

 **Queen™** : H

 **Queen™:** I

 **Queen™** : J

 **Queen™** : I

 **Queen™** : K

 **Queen™** : A

 **Queen™** : T

 **Queen™** : A

 **Silver** : im kicking u out

 **Queen™** : do it i dare you

 **Silver:** i cant do this to you you know that

 **Queen™** : ˚✧₊⁎❝᷀ົཽ≀ˍ̮ ❝᷀ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just have so much love for BTS and GOT7 especially Seokjin I needed to get it out jdksnskskska


	8. Crackhead nutjob crazy bitch ass motherfucker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? No idea i was probably high when i wrote this

**The man** : Eren in titan form can

 **The man** : vore me?

 **Silver** : waht the fuck did u just say

 **Sakamoto** : did u just make me read that with my own two eyes???

 **The man** : actually

 **The man** : I want Levi to vore me

 **The man** : Or takasugi maybe

 **Sakamoto** : v o r e me daddy

 **Silver** : what the fucking hell

 **The man** : do you think its considered voring if titans eat people

 **Sakamoto:** i?

 **Silver** : no

 **Silver** : they arent turned on by it so

 **The man** : and how would you know that

 **The man** : ghouls voring?

 **The man** : i just know i'd get sexual pleasure by being eaten alive by tsukiyama

 **Sakamoto** : actually same?

 **Silver** : ya nasty

 **Silver** : im calling your parents

 **The man** : my dad would like it too

 **Silver** : stop vore is disgusting

 **The man** : think maybe Hijikata would like it?

 **Silver** : so youre telling me u arent into ass eating and find it disgusting

 **Silver** : but VORE is ok???

 **The man** : definitely

 **Silver** : ew

 **Silver** : im literally coming over to beat your ass to sense

 **The man** : pls dont im busyyyy

 **Silver** : idc

 **The man** : IM BEGGING

 **Silver** : too late im at the front door

 **Silver** : open up bitch

 **Silver** : im letting myself in

 **The man** : IM NOT REALLY INTO VORE GO AWAY

 **The man** : LEAVE

 **Silver** : _sent a photo_

 **Silver** : RUNNIN FOR MY LIFE

 **Silver** : IM RESLLY RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN

 **Sakamoto** : IM SCRSMAINGNFLEOW

 **Queen™** : FOR FUCKS SAKE

 **Queen™** : i enter the chat, expecting memes, and i see that?

 **Queen™** : im legitimately calling the police

 **The man** : KAGS

 **The man:** do not

 **The man** : I tried to close the tab

 **The man** : but gintoki is fast

 **Sakamoto** : why were u watching in the first place...

 **The man** : can a man watch hentai in peace?

 **Queen™** : NO

 **Sakamoto** : NO

 **Silver** : NO

 **Takasubi** : YES

 **Takasubi** : i hear hentai im immediately here

 **Queen™** : Sugi, i really had a high estime of you

 **Queen™** : it just vanished

 **Queen™** : suddenly i dont know a takasugi shinsuke

 **Sakamoto:** me neither

 **Silver** : this yalls man?

 **Silver** : i dont claim him

 **Sakamoto** : Katsura who?

 **Sakamoto** : he died long ago

 **The man** : stop? I will cry

 **Queen™** : why were u watching hentai

 **Queen™** : in broad day light

 **Queen™** : while talking on the gc?

 **The man** : a lot of events lead me to where i currently am

 **Queen™** : i dont wanna know

 **Takasubi** : hey yall

 **Silver** : i think im hearing things?

 **Sakamoto** : me too?

 **Takasubi** : :(

 **The man** : dont worry i still love you takasugi

 **Takasubi** : thank you

 **The man** : i was expecting a me too

 **The man** : i cry?

 **Queen™** : all you ever do is cry

 **The man** : im a sensitive person

 **Hijikata** : i think were all missing whats most important in this situation

 **Hijikata** : (hi btw)

 **The man** : not you too

 **Hijikata** : what type of hentai was it

 **Hijikata** : please dont let it be with tentacles?

 **The man** : im really gonna kill myself

 **Queen™** : YOU CANT BE SERIOUS

 **Silver:** guess who is throwing themselves down the goddamn bridge

 **Queen™** : do a backflip

 **The man** : please

 **The man** : stop bullying me

 **Sakamoto** : im deadass gonna walk jn front of the trafic

 **The man** : do it then

 **Silver:** soooo Zura is into shrek role play, vore and tentacles hentai?

 **Silver** : thats going on my tumblr

 **The man** : PLS NO YOU HAVE LIKE 30000 FOLLOWERS

 **The man** : im not even into vore it was a joke

 **The man** : pleASE GINTOKI

 **Silver** : too late

 **Silver:** and I have 50000 followers? Get your facts straight

 **Queen™** : loser i have two times that

 **Queen™** : sipping my tea

 **The man** : how the fuck yall do that

 **The man** : i have 10 followers and its yalls ugly asses

 **Sakamoto** : YOU DONT EVEN FOLLOW ME I HAVE 0 FOLLOWERS

 **Queen™** : sipping my tea

 **Queen™** : ZURA WHY DID U REBLOG GINTOKI'S POST

 **Queen™** : why are you exposing yourself

 **Silver** : pretty sure he's into kinkshaming too

 **Silver** : it turns him on to be kinkshamed

 **Sakamoto** : Sugi take notes

 **Takasubi:** i thought i didn't exist anymore

 **Sakamoto** : sometimes it feels like i can still hear his voice

 **Takasubi** : im really about to quit

 **Silver** : <3

 **Queen™** : u know we luv youuuu

 **Takasubi** : stop lying

 **Silver** : <3

* * *

 

 **Silver** : I've been wondering for a while

 **Silver** : and by a while i mean for a day and a half

 **Silver:** just waht is Sougo and kagura's relationship

 **Silver** : what are they?

 **Hijikata** : thats a good question

 **Silver** : wanna place a bet

 **Silver** : ten dollars they are fuck friends

 **Hijikata** : ten dollars they are an actual couple

 **Takasubi** : ten dollars they didn't define their relationship

 **Sadist** : and the price goes to Takasugi.

 **Takasubi** : 20 dollars richer ouuuuuh feels good

 **Silver** : you mean you two out there fucking and going on dates?

 **Sadist** : pretty much.

 **Hijikata** : and you dont call yourselves a couple?

 **Sadist** : pretty much.

 **Takasubi** : and Kagura is like okay with it?

 **Sadist** : i think so.

 **Silver** : u THINK SO?

 **Silver** : i need a clearer answer

 **Silver** : nothing but the best for my queen

 **Sadist** : you sound like an overprotective dad.

 **Sadist** : stop it.

 **Hijikata:** i agree with gintoki

 **Hijikata** : i think you two need a conversation

 **Queen™** : Sougo wtf

 **Queen™** : stop favouriting Takasugi

 **Takasubi** : what

 **Hijikata** : what

 **Silver** : what

 **Queen™** : he is a bitch ass liar and just wanted Sugi to make money bc he likes him the most

 **Queen™** : Hijikata actually won 20 bucks

 **Hijikata** : bitch im rich

 **Silver** : since when are you together????

 **Sadist** : its been like...two tears.

 **Sadist** : I thought we told them?

 **Queen™** : im as confused as u are

 **Takasubi** : what the frick is this

 **Takasubi:** have we bern high for the last 2 years

 **Silver** : ew drugs

 **Silver** : youre the only one who takes them

 **Takasubi** : o

 **Queen™:** nice to know you all dont give a heck about us

 **Silver** : STOP THATS NOT WHAT WE MEAN?

 **Hijikata** : we just...have bad memory

 **Hijikata** : plus i didn't even know Kagura since like three weeks ago

 **Sadist** : fair.

 **Queen™** : my friends are shit get me new ones

 **The man** : I REMEMBERED

 **The man** : I even got you two a present for your 2 year anniversary

 **Sadist** : ahhhh yes.

 **Sadist:** the handcuffs and rope.

 **Sadist** : they've been put to good use.

 **Silver** : SJSJSKAKAKS

 **Hijikata** : I screamed?

 **The man** : oh my lord

 **Queen™** : hm anyway

 **Queen™** : thanks zura ily

 **Queen™** : @sakamoto show yourself

 **Sakamoto** : who dares summoning me

 **Queen™** : do you remember my relationship with sougo

 **Sakamoto** : vaguely

 **Sakamoto** : were you two a couple? Are u married?

 **Sakamoto** : oh god are you pregnant?

 **Sakamoto** : Kagura i will call your brother

 **Silver** : STOP NOT KAMUI

 **Queen™** : im not pregnant you fucking crackhead nut job crazy bitch ass motherfucker

 **Queen™** : do i fucking look pregnant sakamoto?

 **Sakamoto** : im sorry

 **Sakamoto** : i panicked

 **Queen™** : im the one whos gonna call kamui and he will beat your ass

 **Silver** : DONT GET KAMUI INVOLVED

 **Silver** : STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM HE WILL HEAR US

 **Queen™:** Kamui kamui kamui kamui kamui

 **Hijikata** : what the heck happened to you

 **Queen™** : they fought a while back bc my brother didn't like him

 **Silver** : i still have bruises

 **Silver:** i can still hear him

 **Silver** : saying to not approach kags ever again

 **Silver** : that he will find me and end my life

 **Queen™** : he likes him ever since he came out

 **Silver** : im still scared of him

 **Silver** : i almost dIED

 **The man** : thats so funnyshhssks

 **Hijikata** : thats intense

 **Queen™** : imagine if sakamoto had called him to say im pregnant?

 **Queen™** : who would be more dead: sougo or sakamoto

 **Hijikata** : i feel like theres a trap in this question

 **Queen™** : the answer is me

 **Sadist** : that wont happen.

 **Silver** : awwwww

 **Sadist** : i meant bc we'll never have kids.

 **Queen™** : dont start an argument here

 **Sadist** : :)

 **Queen™** : :)

 **Hijikata** : i feel slightly uncomfortable

 **The man** : the most passive agressive fight ive witnessed

 **Silver** : ya same

 **Takasubi** : do you think theyll have hot angry sex after?

 **Silver** : do you ever shut the fuck up?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope yall enjoyed


	9. Hijikata isn't the only thing thats wet right now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata as a model, am I right or am I right?

**Takasubi:** http://archiveofourown.org/works/8628223

 **Takasubi** : a masterpiece

 **Silver** : WHERE DID U FIND THIS DKSMDKSNE

 **Silver:** HOW

 **Silver** : this is award worthy

 **Sakamoto** : the tears

 **Sakamoto** : ive never read something as beautiful

 **Sadist** : what the fuck is up with all of you.

 **Takasubi** : im sorry you cant recognize a masterpiece Sougo

 **Silver** : this really tops every single fics ive ever written

 **Sakamoto** : are we sure Zura didn't write this

 **Takasubi** : pretty sure he wrote this one

 **Takasubi:** http://archiveofourown.org/works/11292624

 **Sakamoto** : THIS IS THE

 **Silver** : this is real life

 **Silver** : i hope a giant meteor strikes us

 **Sakamoto:** why are we always talking about shrek

 **Silver:** its a lifestyle

 **The man** : why are so mean to me all the time

 **The man** : I didn't write either of them

 **The man** : and i didn't enjoyed THEM

 **The man:** i am deeply disgusted

 **Takasubi:** dont pretend

 **Silver:** omg Sugi i just thought and

 **Silver** : what if someday he asks you to do shrek roleplay?

 **Sakamoto** : how would you react honestly

 **The man** : SUGI DONT ANSWER

 **Takasubi:** well

 **The man** : DONT

 **The man** : IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN??

 **Takasubi** : i would be freaked out at first

 **Takasubi** : sure i would live blog it

 **Takasubi** : maybe kinkshame him

 **Silver** : he's into that, dont

 **Takasubi** : but i would accept him

 **Takasubi:** weird kinks and all

 **The man** : holy shit

 **Silver** : need me a man like this?

 **Sakamoto** : i think i cried a little

 **Silver** : WHEN WILL SOMEONE LOVE ME LIKE THIS

 **The man** : i fainted

 **Takasubi:** im not worried tho

 **Takasubi** : Zura is not really into that

 **The man** : ive fallen

 **The man** : ive fallen so hard

 **The man** : is this what being in love feels like

 **Silver** : idk ask my cold unloving heart

 **Sakamoto** : o damn

_[ **The man** to **Silver** in a private conversation]_

**The man:** when are you telling hijikata you love him

 **The man** : you do right?

 **Silver:** i will nEVER

 **Silver** : im pretty very sure he doesnt like me back

 **Silver** : i am not getting rejected

 **The man** : wtf

 **The man** : are you blind or are you just dumb

 **Silver:** what do you mean

 **The man** : ????:!:'wowowjsiejzijjw?!!

 **The man** : im having a seizure

 **Silver:** I DONT GET IT

 **Silver:** i truly dont

 **The man** : i dont wanna spoil it

 **The man** : bOI BYE

 **Silver** : what the hell

* * *

 

 **Takasubi** : STOP IT STOP ITTTTT

 **Sakamoto:** I WILL NOT

 **Sakamoto** : FINLAND DOES NOT EXIST

 **Takasubi** : STOP DONT MENTION IT TO ME EVER AGAIN

 **Takasubi** : im fucked up it really is the truth

 **Sakamoto** : Finland dont exist

 **Silver** : listen

 **Silver** : this theory killed all my brain cells

 **Silver** : i tried to deny it

 **Silver** : but its true

 **Sakamoto** : you already know

 **Takasubi:** how even im

 **Takasubi** : im trying to find explanations and i cannot

 **Takasubi:** they are right

 **Silver** : sakamoto has one talent

 **Silver** : fucking me the fuck up

 **Silver** : he always has those crazy theories and conspiracies like how

 **Sadist** : ok but listen to this.

 **Sadist** : the earth is flat.

 **Sadist** : thats how stupid yall sound.

 **Sakamoto** : rude

 **Queen™** : local woman found bald

 **Queen™** : sougo went the fuck off

 **Queen™** : ended all your favs

 **Queen™** : destroyed the gc

 **Silver** : he didnt really

 **Silver** : not that much

 **Sadist** : sorry she's currently drunk.

 **Sadist** : i tried taking her phone away but shes fast.

 **Queen™** : shut uppp

 **Sadist** : you shut up.

 **Queen™** : why is my boyfrien mean?

 **Queen™** : going bacc to the club getting meself a nee one

 **Sadist:** no youre not.

 **Silver** : wish i was dead

 **Silver** : stop being cute couples in my face?

 **Silver** : some of us are alone, right sakamoto

 **Sakamoto** : cant relate

 **Sakamoto:** i have mutsu m8

 **Silver** : mannn

 **Queen™** : you have Hiji

 **Silver:** he dont want me

 **Queen™** : bitch?

 **Silver** : bitch

 **Sadist:** watch your mouth.

 **Silver** : who are u talking to

 **Sadist** : both of you.

 **Queen™** : alright sir

 **The man** : WHAT DID I JUST FIND

 **The man** : YALL IM SCRAAMING

 **The man** : _sent a photo_

 **Queen™** : OOOOGGGEJWJ MY GOD

 **Queen™** : oh my good

 **Queen™** : sweet lord almighty god

 **Silver** : I just passed out

 **Silver** : im crying

 **Silver** : the tears are real

 **Silver:** ive never seen anything as beautiful as this

 **Silver** : this is the epitome of beauty

 **Queen™** : holy fuck shit im

 **Queen™** : need to get me a man like dis wth

 **Sadist** : Kagura.

 **Silver:** Nsksnsoakwowne

 **Silver:** her boyfriend is literally in the gc i cry for him

 **Sadist** : i dont need your pity.

 **Queen™** : WHY DIDN't WE KNOW HIJIKATA IS A MODEL

 **Queen™** : why does he have such a great body?

 **Silver** : damn who would have thought that hijikata has abs?

 **Queen™** : IRK WHAT IS THIS MESS

 **The man** : even I didn't know he is a model?

 **The man** : how did he hide this from us

 **The man** : I HAVE A WHOLE FOLDER OF HIS PICTURES NOW

 **Silver** : send

 **Silver** : them

 **Silver** : now

 **The man** : _sent a photo_

 **Queen™** : Hijikata isn't the only thing wet hot damn

 **Silver** : WOW SAME

 **Silver:** how is this legal

 **Sadist** : thats enough.

 **The man** : _sent a photo_

 **The man** : THIS ONE IS MY FAV

 **The man** : he is..so soft

 **The man** : soft and hot at the same time

 **Silver** : THE FUCKIF SMILE

 **Silver** : I SCREAMED

 **Silver** : I irl screamed

 **Silver** : how is he so effortlessly beAUTIFUL

 **Queen™** : what is he looking so hot for?

 **Sakamoto** : fuck i leave for 5 minutes and this?

 **Takasubi** : honestly rude

 **The man** : _sent a photo_

 **The man** : how i expect him to look like at his wedding

 **Silver** : the...suit

 **Silver:** Hijikata...in a.. suit

 **Silver** : sWEET JESUS

 **Queen™** : this is officially my kink

 **Queen™** : sougooo wear a suit for me

 **Queen™** : pretty please

 **Sadist** : with how you've been acting tonight dont expect me to.

 **Queen™** : ;(

 **Sakamoto** : where is hijikata

 **Sakamoto** : how will he react to this

 **Takasubi** : do you think that this is why he didn't want to tell us his job

 **Sakamoto** : maybe he is embarrassed

 **Takasubi:** hm maybe

 **Silver** : dont make me feel bad for fangirling?

 **Silver** : shit those thighs my man

 **Silver** : have i ever told yall how thighs are attractive to me

 **Silver** : and hijikata's...oof

 **Silver** : im sweaty

 **Takasubi:** thats kinky

 **The man** : ok but same?

 **Silver** : shut up we know too much about your kinks already

 **The man** : I have way more bitch

 **Silver** : shUT UP

 **Hijikata** : whats this again

 **Hijikata** : my phone is going crazy with notifs

 **Silver** : abort mission

 **The man** : BOI I RAN

 **Sadist** : I hope you all get killed.

 **Sadist** : murdered.

 **Sadist** : assassinated.

 **Sadist** : slaughtered.

 **Sadist** : slain.

 **Sadist** : eliminated.

 **Sadist** : executed.

 **Sadist:** exterminated.

 **Queen™** : thats a lot of synonyms

 **Silver** : well mark me down as scared and horny

 **The man** : why is sougo so scary

 **The man** : imagine when him and kagura have kids

 **The man** : the scariest kids to have ever existed

 **Takasubi** : i am praying for their future classmates

 **Sadist** : i dont even know how to answer to this?

 **Hijikata:** Zura, how did you find these?

 **The man:** im sorry i swear it was unintentional

 **The man:** i was scrolling tumblr and then there was this compilation of hot models

 **The man** : naturally i click bc well sexy mans

**The man:** _sent a photo_

**The man:** i see this picture, nice underwear btw i have similar ones, and im like...,,i know this person

 **The man:** i search it up on google and a whole profile about you comes up

 **The man:** super popular model, rich, single, tall blah blah blah

 **The man:** I was SHOOK, still am

 **Hijikata** : I'm gonna kill myself? I didn't want you guys to know about this

 **Silver:** why tho

 **Hijikata:** I didnt want you to think about me differently, i was scared of your reactions i guess

 **The man:** omg no!!!!! Dont worry about it

 **Silver:** this is no big deal, youre still our precious hijikata who is a huge dork deep down

 **Silver:** We love you still and wont treat you differently;(

 **Silver:** youre making me sad

 **Hijikata:** thanks guys this is really reassuring 

 **Hijikata:** I love you too

 **Sakamoto:** AWW LOVE YOU GUYS

 **Takasubi** : really cute

 **Sadist:** go to sleep y'all it's late.

 **The man:** say you love us too

 **Sadist:** Kagura loves you lots and I dont hate you.

 **Silver:** good enough, aight goodnight ily

 **Hijikata:** goodnight

****

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If y'all want to get in touch with me (im nice i swear) I'm leaving my social medias here
> 
> twitter: oikawasalien  
> tumblr: fruitpunchsamu-rai
> 
> I love you all youre so nice


	10. The simpsons discourse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was uninspired and watching the simpsons so...idk what this is nfkdkskakak also GinHiji( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Queen™:** the simpsons discourse time

 **The man** : uh oh i dont like where this is going

 **Silver:** were gonna fight arent we

 **Queen™** : clearly Smithers deserved to have his gay love come true

 **Queen™** : like? Mr. Burns should have acknowledge his feelings at SOME point

 **Queen™** : Smithers was always fair and nice and tried his really best

 **Queen™** : truly a gay icon

 **Silver** : he really was relatable tho

 **Silver** : but my ultimate fav was krusty

 **Silver** : the most relatable character that existed

 **The man** : stfu

 **The man** : Ralph deserves appreciation

 **The man** : he's so fucking funny bitch what would the show be without him

 **Silver** : SHUT UR UGLY MOUTH

 **Silver** : KRUSTY IS A JEWISH CLOWN

 **Silver** : FUCKING ICONIC

 **The man** : hes a clown and he aint funny for shit fuck

 **The man:** HE IS TERRIBLE WITH KIDS!!!!

 **Silver** : WHO CARES BIH!!!

 **Silver** : your Ralph doesn't even reach him

 **Silver** : he is a minor character and has like two lines in total

 **Silver** : Ralph who?

 **Queen™** : YALL MISSING OUT ON THE TRUE REALEST CHAR

 **Queen™** : Lisa

 **The man** : no

 **Queen™** : intelligent, beauty, feminist, supports everyone, realist, etc

 **Queen™** : she's 8 years old?

 **Queen™** : ended all your faves

 **The man** : NO

 **The man** : Lisa is a lil bitch

 **The man** : she thinks shes superior to everyone

 **The man** : she never shuts the fuck up

 **The man** : she thinks shes always right

 **The man** : her head is so far up her ass

 **Silver** : well we agree on this

 **Silver** : between her and Bart i chose Maggie

 **Queen™** : y'all cant recognize true talent!!!

 **The man** : your ugly ass opinions can eat my dick

 **Silver** : keep ur dirty dick to yourself

 **Silver** : smh youre both dumb as hell

 **Silver** : Lisa and Ralph? Really

 **Silver** : cant have a good fav for SHIT

 **Queen™** : i hate you all im fucking leaving

_**Queen™** left the conversation._

**The man** : me too fucking bye

_**The man** left the conversation._

**Silver** : youre so immature

 **Silver** : bye.

_**Silver** left the conversation._

**Hijikata** : oh my fucking god

 **Hijikata** : is this fucking real life

 **Hijikata** : are they being serious

 **Hijikata** : i just had a out of body experience

 **Takasubi** : I MISSED THE SIMPSONS DISCOURSE

 **Takasubi** : i can tell you i wouldnt have let them disrespect lenny and carl like that

 **Takasubi** : i cant believe

 **Hijikata:** is this fight fr

 **Takasubi** : sure is

 **Takasubi** : we take the simpsons really seriously

 **Takasubi** : they'll calm down eventually

 **Hijikata** : looks like this happened quite often

 **Takasubi** : at least once a week

 **Takasubi** : when we fight irl Kagura always ends up flipping a table and throwing a chair at Gintoki

 **Takasubi** : Gintoki pulls Zura's hair

 **Takasubi** : and i live tweet everything while kicking Kags in the legs and insulting them

 **Takasubi** : a typical discourse themed night

 **Sakamoto** : bitccccch im never invited to these gatherings

 **Takasubi** : you just cry its annoying

 **Sakamoto** : you got me there

 **Hijikata:** can I make a confession

 **Hijikata** : I dont really like The simpsons...never understood the hype

_**Takasubi** removed **Hijikata** from the conversation._

**Takasubi** : we dont need this kind of negativity in our lives

 **Sakamoto** : kdkwnwowkwkwkek

 **Sakamoto** : how can you not like the simpsons...this bitch

 **Sadist** : oh my fukcing god y'all are something else.

_**Sadist** added **Queen™, The man** , **Silver** and **Hijikata** to the conversation._

**Sadist** : stop it with the stupid discourse.

 **Queen™** : STUPID?

 **Queen™** : wow I love being single

 **Sadist:** :(

 **Silver:** DAMN

 **Hijikata** : Takasugi I truly used to like you

 **Hijikata** : but after this...

 **Hijikata** : i think we need to go our separate ways

 **Takasubi** : IM SORRY DJDJDKSKWK

 **Takasubi** : dont do this to me...

 **Takasubi** : i will cry

 **Hijikata** : i will forgive you this time...bc i love u

 **Takasubi** : thank you., you beautiful human

 **Silver** : wow yall might as well get a room

 **Silver** : piss off

 **Takasubi** : what are you being so angry about

 **The man** : Sugi you just ruined our relationship

 **Silver** : fuck off Sugi

_[ **Hijikata** to **Silver** in a private conversation]_

**Hijikata** : dont be mad at Sugi please

 **Hijikata** : we were joking im sorry

 **Silver** : idk why you are apologizing

 **Silver** : not like you care about me that way

 **Hijikata:** are you

 **Hijikata** : are you kidding me

 **Hijikata** : YOU are the one who doesnt like me that way

 **Hijikata** : youve ignored all my attempts at flirting

 **Silver:** no its you!!!

 **Silver** : youve never showed any signs that you like me back

 **Hijikata** : you LIKE me?

 **Silver** : yes I do wtf!!! I've been trying to show you for 984973 years

 **Silver** : isn't it obvious?

 **Hijikata** : arent MY feelings obvious?

 **Hijikata:** i fucking love you so much wth?

 **Silver** : you what

 **Hijikata** : i like you too!

 **Hijikata** : i mean it

 **Silver** : IM

 **Silver** : I CANT BELIEVE

 **Silver** : you mean

 **Silver** : we both like each other?

 **Hijikata** : seems like it

 **Silver** : then why arent we dating?

 **Hijikata** : should we

 **Silver** : BITCH YES

 **Hijikata** : then thats it

 **Hijikata** : were..,boyfriends

 **Silver** : AHHH I SCREAM

 **Silver** : can I come over

 **Hijikata** : BRING YO ASS HERE

 **Silver** : BOI IM RUNNING

 **Hijikata** : be careful ily

 **Silver** : Dont say that ill fall on my face

 **Hijikata** : <3

* * *

 

 **Silver** : _sent a photo_

 **Silver** : lying in my cute boyfriend's lap

 **The man** : YOUR WHAT

 **The man** : YOUR WHAT!!!!!!

 **Takasubi** : omg how could you...do this to Hijikata

 **Takasubi** : YOU HEARTLESS SLUT

 **The man** : my otp...ruined...never gonna sail...

 **Hijikata** : _sent a photo_

 **Hijikata** : letting my cute boyfriend lie in my lap

 **The man** : NOSEBLEED!!!!

 **The man** : MAN HOW CAN U DO THIS TO ME

 **Takasubi** : HKW

 **Takasubi** : I CANT BREATHE KSKSKAOWJW

 **Queen™** : the cutest boyfriends in all the land

 **Queen™** : wish i wasnt crying right now

 **The man** : man me too

 **The man** : GinHiji...its really real

 **The man** : i feel like a proud mother

 **The man** : my sons..

 **Takasubi** : we waited so long

 **Hijikata** : stop im blushing

 **Silver** : he really is

 **The man** : i hope you will let us updated on the sex

 **The man** : relationship****

 **Takasubi** : i laughed

 **Silver** : Zura watch what you say...

 **The man** : i love my otp what you want me to say

 **Queen™** : i love life

 **Silver** : yeah me too

 **Hijikata** : ily<3

 **Silver** : i will never get used to it

 **Silver** : I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!

 **Takasubi** : these bitches

 **The man** : im jealous

 **The man** : i cant believe Gintoki got into a relationship before me

 **Silver** : what is this supposed to mean

 **Silver** : are you insulting me rn

 **The man** : i might

 **Silver** : (ง'̀-'́)ง

 **The man** : thank

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Hey cumshots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally obsessed with Park Hyungsik forgive me

**The man** : hey cumshots

 **Takasubi** : hey dick bag

 **Silver** : ^ what he said

 **Sakamoto** : hi

 **Sakamoto** : how are u all on this sunny day

 **Silver** : its raining?

 **Silver** : there was a tornado warning like ten minutes ago?

 **Takasubi** : knowing sakamoto he'd be crying right now

 **The man** : is he okay

 **Sakamoto** : yeah I just like when the day is beautiful and peaceful

 **Sakamoto** : the birds are singing and the sky blue

 **Sakamoto** : really amazing

 **Silver** : he may be dying

 **Silver** : who knows

 **Takasubi:** are you...perhaps

 **Takasubi** : high?

 **Sakamoto** : i would nEVER

 **Silver** : we want the truth

 **Silver** : otherwise im calling Mutsu to check on you

 **Sakamoto** : ok I may have done a drug

 **Silver** : singular

 **Silver** : you did just one drug

 **Sakamoto** : yeah

 **The man** : how

 **Sakamoto** : well i took one (1) drug and

 **Sakamoto** : huh

 **Sakamoto** : snorted it

 **Sakamoto** : thru my nose

 **Sakamoto** : just one

 **The man** : NDKSKSOSOW

 **Silver** : someone help this man

 **Silver** : even I, a man who never did drugs, knows thats impossible

 **Takasubi** : he's just stupid

 **Takasubi** : he aint know shit about drugs

 **Takasubi** : are you okay rn?

 **Sakamoto** : yeah idk where i am

 **Sakamoto** : im all wet for some reason

 **Sakamoto** : and my bed is rough as hell

 **Takasubi** : this bitch is probably lying in a ditch outside right now

 **Takasubi:** dont worry Sakamoto,

 **Takasubi** : it happens to the best of us

 **Sakamoto** : awww

 **Sakamoto** : hes calling me the best

 **The man** : Listen, i will piss my pants

 **Silver** : what do we do

 **Silver** : do I call Mutsu

 **Sakamoto:** dnt

 **Silver** : sorry cant understand you

 **Silver** : im calling right this instant:)))))

 **Sakamoto** : shes gonna be mad;(

 **The man** : how did you even end up doing drugs

 **Sakamoto** : JUST ONE

 **The man** : sorry, how did u end up doing one drug?

 **Sakamoto** : as far as i remember

 **Sakamoto** : i dont remember that far

 **Takasubi** : he

 **Sakamoto** : wait

 **Sakamoto** : i wanted to buy those packs with sugar and a candy idk what its called

 **Sakamoto** : and i said something like "gimme the good stuff"

 **Sakamoto** : so she gives me it and i snort it obv

 **The man** : YOU SNORT THE FUCKING SUGAR

 **The man** : WHY DO U DO THIS

 **Sakamoto** : ive always done this

 **Sakamoto** : but my nose didnt bleed

 **Sakamoto** : and i started tripping hard

 **Sakamoto** : and then i was like

 **Sakamoto** : "ahhh so these are drugs! No wonder it was THAT expensive"

 **The man** : i swear youre the dumbest guy out there

 **Takasubi** : let him continue

 **Sakamoto** : anyway so I was like? Cant let it go to waste

 **Sakamoto** : so finished the entire pack

 **Sakamoto** : and somehow passed out in my bed

 **Takasubi** : im telling you, youre not in your bed right now

 **The man** : how are you not dead

 **The man** : i screamed

 **Takasubi** : my name last night? Yeah ik

 **The man** : YOU SMOOTH SON OF A

 **Sakamoto** : is anyone coming to my rescue yet

 **Sakamoto** : im cold

 **Sakamoto** : and hungry

 **Takasubi** : @silver ????

 **Silver** : back from the phone with mutsu

 **Silver** : shes out looking for you

 **Silver** : she didnt seem angry, more like worried

 **Silver** : still, expect some screaming

 **Sakamoto** : i would too

 **Silver:** good luck bby try not to die xoxox

* * *

 

 **Silver** : hey Hijikata

 **Silver** : did u sit on gum?

 **Silver:** because you have a bubble butt

 **Hijikata** : JFC

 **Hijikata** : dont do this to me

 **Hijikata** : hows the world's prettiest boy doing?

 **Silver** : i dont know, how are you?

 **Hijikata** : im

 **Hijikata** : i

 **Hijikata** : fine

 **The man** : why do you do this literally every day

 **Silver** : we dont

 **The man** : yes you do

 **Silver** : its different every day stop exposing us?

 **The man** : but really

 **The man** : why in the group chat?

 **The man** : do this in private and leave the forever alone alone

 **Silver** : now that I think about it theres 2 people single here

 **Silver** : you and sugi

 **The man** : so? Its my choice pff

 **Silver** : yeahhhh right

 **Hijikata** : dont worry Zura the right one will come along

 **Hijikata:** were here for you

 **The man** : gee thanks

 **Hijikata** : :)

* * *

 

 **Takasubi** : so today I hung out with gin

 **Takasubi** : and i sneezed

 **Takasubi** : do you know what this fucker did

 **Takasubi** : he handed me a picture of Hijikata

 **Takasubi** : i was? What is this for

 **Takasubi** : and he answered "im blessing you"

 **Takasubi:** i wanted to throw myself off the fucking bridge

 **Hijikata** : im abt to cry

 **Hijikata** : why do i love this man

 **The man** : tbh would sell my kidneys for a mans like that

 **Hijikata** : tbh same

 **The man** : you already have one

 **Takasubi** : omg we forgot to ask

 **Hijikata** : ?

 **Takasubi** : who tops

 **Takasubi** : we need to know which ship name to use (ginhiji or hijigin)

 **The man** : im 100% sure its Hijikata

 **Takasubi** : you bitch its gintoki he has the face of a dom

 **The man** : welp you cant say you wouldn't want hijikata to dom the shit out of you

 **The man** : he has the aura

 **Takasubi** : ...

 **Hijikata** : I top

 **The man** : KDKSKSKSOWOSJ

 **Takasubi** : i cant,..i cant believe

 **Hijikata** : but i also bottom

 **Takasubi** : KDKSNAKSKSPDM

 **Takasubi** : a switch

 **The man** : the best of both worlds

 **The man** : so we can stop arguing sugi now!!! Whichever name is okay

 **The man** : Hijigin\\(//∇//)\

 **Takasubi** : hijikata is wilder than i thought

 **Hijikata** : ...

 **The man** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

* * *

 

 **Queen™:** i want Park Hyungsik to shove his fist down my throat and call me his slut

 **Silver** : i never related to something more

 **Silver** : a real mans

 **Silver** : i would let him to whatever the fuck he wants to me

 **Silver** : is he even real

 **Silver** : an angel

 **Queen™** : im having unnecessary feels about him

 **Queen™** : why is he literally perfect

 **Queen™** : what does he eat

 **Silver:** need his skincare routine

 **Silver** : need that dicc

 **Queen™:** same tho

 **Sadist** : will you ever stop drooling over other men?

 **Sadist** : you both have a boyfriend.

 **Queen™** : sweaty...i know you love him as much as we do : )

 **Queen™** : dont even try me

 **Queen™** : we watched everything that he's been in together

 **Queen™** : more than one time

 **Queen™** : including yesterday

 **Sadist** : Ok we can stop now.

 **Sadist** : i dont like where this is going.

 **Sadist** : let's just say I agree. Park Hyungsik = a god.

 **Silver** : YES DADDY

 **Queen™** : heartbeat heartbeat

 **Silver** : speeding up

 **Queen™** : heartbeat heartbeat

 **Sadist** : in my mind

 **Queen™** : love a good ost

 **Silver** : the fact that sougo continued the song, 10/10

 **Sadist** : i know a good ost when i hear one.

 **Queen™** : ITS GONNA BE YOU

 **Silver** : NANANANA

 **Sadist** : wooohohohooooo

 **Sadist** : i cant let go

 **Queen™** : raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by hwarang

 **Silver** : *raises hand so fast i dislocate my shoulder*

 **Sadist** : *just raises hand*

 **Queen™** : ya same

 **Queen™** : An emotional roller coaster

 **Silver** : i think moon lovers was more intense tho

 **Silver** : for reals

 **Queen™** : hm maybe idk never watched it

 **Sadist** : Can't believe I'm single?

 **Silver** : oh how the tables have turned

 **Silver** : Something that Kagura never watched????

 **Silver** : we have the advantage

 **Sadist** : Are you ready to be spoiled?

 **Queen™:** STOP I WAS PLANNING TO I JUST NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT

 **Sadist** : I'm not talking to you until you've watched at least episode one.

 **Queen™** : okay im going now

 **Queen™** : do you want to watch with me

 **Sadist** : Hm I'll be there in 10

 **Queen™** : YAY

 **Sadist** : but it's not for you I just want to see Baek Ah.

 **Queen™** : wow ive been disrespected

 **Silver** : go home wig

 **Silver:** have fun you both

 **Silver** : and remember, no sex without latex

 **Queen™** : oh my god shut up i hate you

 **Sadist** : dont worry Gin.

 **Silver** : JDMSLSKSOS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. The living legend Takasugi Shinsuke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly wrote this to vent bc my brother is a weak man and wouldnt get me tampons! Love to die ! 
> 
> Also....,(an hour early)
> 
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TAKASUGI!! We love a goddamn legend slaying the recent gintama chapters ! I love this man so much. I- my love for him cant seem to stop growing its unhealty tbh. Anyway i love him and happy birthday i'd suck his dick but i cant really lmao bye enjoy

**Takasubi** : did we ever get news from Sakamoto

 **Takasubi** : dont wanna sound worried but he hasnt been online for a week

 **The man** : maybe he died? Idk

 **Hijikata:** were bad friends

 **Hijikata** : we didnt even check on him

 **Hijikata** : I feel bad

 **Takasubi** : im sure hes okay

 **The man** : yeah if he didnt die from overdose then Mutsu beat his ass to death

 **Hijikata** : should I laugh

 **The man** : yeah thanks for bruising my ego

 **Takasubi** : i'll call him

 **The man** : seriously tho

 **The man** : ive been wondering and whos the mom and dad of the group

 **The man** : like its been on my mind for a while

 **Hijikata** : why do you think about stuff like that

 **Hijikata** : dont you have better things to do

 **The man:** no 

 **The man:** anyway

 **The man** : You definitely have mom vibes but also dad ones

 **The man** : although the dad role could fit Gintoki pretty well

 **The man** : with his shitty jokes and awkward way of comforting others

 **The man** : but even if he's awful you know he's trying his best you know

 **The man** : i know ill be murdered for saying this but

 **The man** : Sougo has mum qualities too

 **Hijikata** : i pray for you once he returns

 **The man** : BUT ITS TRUE

 **The man** : like he tries to take care of us and he puts us on the right path often

 **The man** : he brings us back to reality

 **The man** : he warns us about dangerous things

 **The man** : (well he also encourages to do them bUT

 **The man** : do i sound crazy rn

 **Hijikata** : kinda

 **Hijikata** : people who are NOT parents here: you, Sugi, kagura and sakamoto

 **Hijikata** : this is official youre all kids

 **Hijikata** : i will not argue

 **The man** : damn you right

 **The man** : we can have three parents

 **The man** : polygamous relationships dont bother me

 **The man** : my mums: hijikata and sougo

 **The man** : my dad: gintoki

_**The man** changed **Silver** 's name for **Daddy**._

**Hijikata** : idk if I like this

 **Hijikata** : can you rename me Jaebum's slut

 **Hijikata** : this is weird but

 **Hijikata** : love me a mans

 **Hijikata** : idk how to

_**The man** changed **Hijikata** 's name to **Jaebum's slut**._

**The man** : I thought Jinyoung was your bias

 **Jaebum's slut** : bias wrecker

 **Jaebum's slut** : and I have major feels for him lately idk

 **The man** : same

 **Takasubi** : back from my search for Sakamoto

 **The man** : it was long

 **Takasubi** : yeah ik i had to call mutsu too

 **Takasubi** : he'll come online in a few

 **The man** : oh thats good

 **The man** : now we know that he is alive

 **Jaebum's slut** : yeah good thing!

 **Sakamoto** : hi xoxo

 **Sakamoto** : missed you all

 **Sakamoto** : i couldnt text you all bc Mutsu confiscated my phone

 **Sakamoto** : she thinks youre bad influences on me

 **Sakamoto** : but Sugi convinced her to let me have it back!

 **The man** : is she your mum jdksksksksk

 **Sakamoto** : shut up

 **Jaebum's slut** : glad youre back

 **Jaebum's slut** : you didn't miss much

 **The man** : we learned that hijikata is a switch

 **The man** : which means that Gintoki is probably one too?

 **The man** : im too aware of my parents sexual life

 **Jaebum's slut** : yeah kinda

 **Takasubi** : we love it like that

 **Takasubi** : i cant wait for sougo to come online and rekt your ass xoxo

 **The man** : im genuinely scared for my life

 **Jaebum's slut** : it'll be alright he's a caring mum deep down

_**The man** changed **Sadist** 's name for **Mum~**._

**Jaebum's slut** : stop your digging your own grave at this point

 **The man** : i want death

 **The man** : return me to your womb mother

 **Jaebum's slut** : jdkskskskskksk

 **Mum~** : who's responsible

 **The man** : SHIT

 **Mum~** : go to hell

_**Mum~** removed **The man** from the conversation._

**Mum~** : good riddance

 **Takasubi** : doing god's work

* * *

 

 **Queen™:** can a real man go out and buy me tampons

 **Daddy** : have you no shame at all

 **Queen™:** bitch they're tampons whats the big deal

 **Daddy** : go yourself

 **Queen™** : period cramps are too awful i cant even get up

 **Queen™** : my boyfriend is a dick and doesnt answer his phone

 **Queen™** : and i need tampons cock face

 **Daddy** : im sure it can wait

 **Daddy** : im sure you can walk too dont exaggerate

 **Daddy** : insulting me wont get me to go

 **Queen™** : what do you know about periods

 **Queen™** : nothing you fool

 **Queen™** : cmon or i will bleed in your face

 **Daddy** : cant you ask anyone else pls im a shy

 **Queen™** : youre such a pussy

 **Queen™:** everybody knows theyre not for you !

 **Jaebum's slut** : im on my way Kagura dont panic

 **Queen™** : ARE YOU SERIOUS

 **Queen™** : MY SAVIOR

 **Queen™** : i love you hijikata i swear youre my only friend on this planet

 **Queen™** : you really are my mother

 **Jaebum's slut** : anything for you bby

 **Queen™** : lgbt icon

 **Jaebum's slut** : shut up kfkskskslsbdosn

 **Sakamoto** : the fact that Kagura is on her period soothes my soul every month

 **Sakamoto** : kagura's womb? Safe from form of life for another month !

 **Sakamoto** : every single one of us here?

 **Sakamoto** : safe from Kamui's wrath for another month!

 **Daddy** : damn you right

 **Daddy** : we must keep Sougo's spermatozoids away from kagura

 **Jaebum's slut** : y'All fucking crazy

 **Jaebum's slut** : kamui can't control her life like that

 **Queen™** : ooh trust me he can

 **Queen™** : you dont know him

 **Queen™** : if I was to be pregnant right now...i dont wanna think about it oof

 **Jaebum's slut** : he seems like something else

 **Queen™** : i'll add him

 **Daddy** : DONT I SWEAR

 **Daddy** : KAGURA PLS DO NOT

 **Daddy** : IM ON THE VERGE OF TEARS

 **Daddy** : DONT DO THIS TO ME

_**Queen™** added **Family disappointment** to the conversation._

**Queen™** : i found the name i think im pretty funny

 **Family disappointment** : really Kagura so funny

 **Queen™:** Hijikata wanted to get to know you

 **Family disappointment** : who the fuck is Hijikata

 **Jaebum's slut** : i suddenly regret the name choice

 **Jaebum's slut** : scratch that i regret ever being born

 **Family disappointment:** Jaebum's slut? You're Hijikata?

 **Family disappointment** : That's kind of disgusting

 **Queen™** : if you find that disgusting i suggest you dont scroll up

 **Daddy** : WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT

 **Daddy** : YOU REALLY WANT ME DEAD

 **Daddy:** YOU KNOW HE'LL CHECK NOW

 **Queen™** : whoops my bad

 **Family disappointment** : It's okay Gintoki you know I Iove you ever since you came out

 **Daddy** : thats heterophobic

 **Queen™** : that aint a thing

 **Daddy** : i know i was kidding

 **Family disappointment** : why. Are you so scared of me

 **Family disappointment** : i never did anything wrong in my life ever

 **Jaebum's slut** : i dont know you but i feel obliged to agree

 **Daddy** : HE LITERALLY BEAT ME UP ALMOST TO DEATH

 **Family disappointment** : now. The past is in the past

 **Family disappointment** : i dont hold grudges and neither should you

 **Family disappointment** : im a changed person

 **Daddy** : im not arguing bc i dont want a bruised face again

 **Daddy** : i love you kamui

 **Family disappointment** : Sougo's dead tho

 **Queen™** : he didn't even do anything

 **Family disappointment** : hun dont try and play me

 **Family disappointment** : those sex references... i see them all

 **Queen™** : you know Sougo isnt scared of you and could probably beat you

 **Family disappointment** : love me a good challenge

 **Queen™** : Hijikata i hope you enjoyed this brief meeting bc hes pissing me off

 **Jaebum's slut** : yeah it was good knowing you...i guess

 **Family disappointment** : let's hang out someday

 **Jaebum's slut** :

_**Queen™** removed **Family disappointment** from the conversation._

**Queen™** : he's kinda annoying

 **Daddy** : i almost had a heart attack

 **Jaebum's slut** : why is he so unnecessarily scary

 **Queen™** : he was dropped on the head multiple times

 **Daddy** : im sure as hell grateful he aint here right now

 **Jaebum's slut** : he's hot tho

 **Daddy** : BITCH

* * *

 

 **Daddy** : 3

 **Daddy:** 2

 **Daddy:** 1

 **Daddy** : HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAKASUGI!!!!!!!!!

_**Daddy** added **The man** to the conversation._

**The man** : HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY SUGI

 **Queen™** : The birthday of a living legend happy birthday !

 **Mum~** : Happy bday

 **Sakamoto** : LH MY GOOOOD I LOVE U SUGI HAPPY BDAY ♡

 **Queen™** : i hope you celebrate well and have a moderate alcohol filled night

 **Daddy** : FUCK DAT WERE GETTING THE FUCK DRUNK

 **Jaebum's slut** : Happy birthday to the one and only Takasugi Shinsuke lots of love xoxo

 **Queen™** : thats gay

 **Jaebum's slut** : well fuck me i am

 **Mum~** : looks like someone already started to drink

 **Takasubi** : HI OMG I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH THIS IS TOO MUCH???

 **Takasubi** : youre all so precious im irl crying i cant breathe

 **Takasubi** : youre the best thing that could happen to me

 **Takasubi** : im emotional af im so glad i get to spend my birthday with my best friends

 **Daddy** : STOP IM CRYING

 **Daddy** : you deserve the world

 **Daddy** : you deserve the best birthday party

 **Daddy** : lets get smashed guys!!!

 **Queen™** : yeahhhh bitch !

 **Daddy** : lets all meet at the club in my street in half an hour

 **Takasubi** : OK BYE SEE YA LATER ILY LETS DRINK

 **Jaebum's slut** : yeahhhh

 **Mum~** : lets go see you there

 **The man** : ALSO COMING

 **Sakamoto** : WOUUUU!!

 **The man** : i love you Takasugi happy birthday again

 **Takasubi** : love you more darling

 **The man** : ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

 **The man** : take my heart, take my whole life, take my ID, my wig, my mf ramen

 **Daddy** : i hope thats not your birthday present

 **The man** : course not

 **The man** : im giving him my virginity

 **Daddy** : 

 **Daddy** : anyway see yall soon xx

 **The man** : wow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	13. What's a turtle?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a long a time and sorry for this sorry excuse of a chapter? I'm super stressed bc I'm starting college Monday and all so I'm slow. Also when college starts I'll do my best to update the fic at least once a week! Thanks for sticking with this fic <3

**Daddy** : me, crying at midnight because Hijikata dont love me anymore

 **Mum~** : i think the fuck not you trick ass bitch

 **Mum~** : i will come over and beat your ass if you hurt him

 **The man** : whAT HAPPENED

 **The man** : pls tell me youre not breaking up

 **The man** : im actually about to cry

 **Mum** ~: me too?

 **Daddy** : its about time we do

 **The man** : STOP IM GONNA KMS

 **Jaebum's slut** : ...

 **Mum~** : please say something Hijikata

 **Mum~** : help us

 **Jaebum's slut** : youre so dramatic

 **Daddy** : excuse you i am not

 **Daddy** : this is serious matter that should be taken SERIOUSLY

 **Daddy** : but apparently you dont care about us enough

 **Mum~** : what the fuck happened

 **The man** : i feel like my ship is drowning,,,

 **The man** : this has to be a serious, big fight

 **Jaebum's slut** : stop exaggerating ! This is all bc of a misunderstanding

 **Jaebum's slut** : you didn't even let me finish what i was tryna say

 **Daddy** : well what were you trying to say then

 **Jaebum's slut** : turtle races are not something I'd partake in

 **Daddy** : exactly why I'm angry!

 **Jaebum's slut** : let me finish for goddamn's sake

 **Jaebum's slut** : but if it's something you hold dear I will do it with you!

 **Daddy** : oh

 **Daddy** : OH

 **Jaebum's slut** : now will you stop being angry and come out of the goddamn washing machine pls!

 **Daddy** : so you will come to Marie Antoinette's race with me?

 **Jaebum's slut** : yes i just told you

 **Jaebum's slut** : i will support her career

 **Daddy** : thank god i love you

 **Mum~** : I'm

 **The man** : are you

 **Mum~** : what

 **The man** : since when do you have a turtle

 **Mum~** : were you arguing for a

 **Mum~** : for a turtle

 **Mum~** : this is real

 **Daddy** : clearly? Marie Antoinette is my best friend its important that Hijikata supports her

 **The man** : here I was at 1 a.m

 **The man** : holding back tears bc I thought y'all were done

 **The man** : bc you got into a serious fight worth breaking up for

 **The man** : and it just bc of a turtle named Marie Antoinette

 **The man** : im so done

 **Daddy** : well excuse me I love my pet turtle and its really important to me that my lover appreciates her as well!

 **Jaebum's slut** : she is really cute

 **Jaebum's slut** : and she apparently places second in all her races

 **Daddy** : you should all come visit her soon

 **The man** : why is this the first time I hear about you having a turtle

 **Daddy** : idk i literally always talk about her

 **Mum~** : oups were dumb

 **The man** : i wanna meet her

 **The man** : ive never seen a turtle before

 **The man** : i dont know what they look like

 **Mum~** : who added you back you disgrace

 **Sakamoto** : tbh i hallucinated one when I did drugs i think

 **Sakamoto** : it had a long ass neck and it was tall as heck

 **Sakamoto** : i was sure it was there but when i reached out i just grabbed a skunk

 **Mum~:** ya nasty

 **Daddy** : that wasn't a fucking turtle

 **Sakamoto** : yeah i know it was a skunk

 **Daddy** : you fuckhead i mean the thing you hallucinated

 **Daddy** : it was a girafe?

 **Daddy** : how do you confuse a turtle and a girafe

 **Sakamoto** : my whole life is a lie

 **Sakamoto** : what do turtles even look like then

 **Daddy** : _sent a photo_

 **The man** : OMG ITS SO SMOL

 **Sakamoto** : thats so far from my original idea of one

 **Sakamoto** : omg i wanna meet Marie Antoinette

 **Daddy** : come here i'll give you food too

 **Daddy** : i have baloney

 **The man** : can't say no to baloney

* * *

 

 **Mum~:** I've been trying to learn the choreography to Boombayah but its so fricking hard

 **Mum~:** how they do it its so ughhhhh

 **Mum~:** legends only

 **Takasubi:** maybe because you are a terrible dancer sougo

 **Takasubi:** wait since when do you stan

 **Mum~:** forgot to say this is not Sougo

 **Takasubi** : who the fuck are you then

 **The man** : I knew something wasnt right with you yesterday

 **Mum~:** why didn't you say anything

 **The man** : i thought aliens had brainwashed you or something

 **Takasubi** : aliens arent real ugly

 **The man** : the whole concept of our manga is literally us fighting aliens 

 **Takasubi** : damn bih you right 

 **Mum~:** guys...it doesn't exist here

 **The man** : oh yeah whoops xoxo

 **The man** : im trying to text and watch Monsta x music videos at the same time

 **The man** : its not working 

 **The man** : I keep getting distracted by them

 **Takasubi** : I relate

 **Takasubi** : but who is on Sougo's account

 **Mum~:** The biggest Hyungwon stan 

 **Takasubi** : I'm gonna take a wild guess and say Kagura

 **Mum~** : Wow congrats youre not as stupid as you make it seem

 **Takasubi** : fuck you

 **The man** : why arent you on youre account

 **Mum~:** I flushed my phone down the toilet 

 **Takasubi** : why

 **Mum~:** it was just one of those spur of the moment thing

 **The man** : You will never cease to impress me 

 **Takasubi** : a perfectly good working phone?

 **Mum~:** obviously 

 **Takasubi** : 

 **The man** :

* * *

 

 **Daddy** : Hi sisters!

 **Sakamoto** : why would you

 **Sakamoto** : I've just paid an anonymous hitman in the deep web to murder your ass

 **Daddy** : wait you can do that

 **Jaebum's slut** : everyone knows that

 **Daddy** : Can i order him to kill me

 **Sakamoto** : Well yeah

 **Daddy** : Brb 

 **Jaebum's slut** : this hoe 

 **Jaebum's slut** : anyway Sakamoto already paid for your death 

 **Daddy** : Alright i'll wait 

 **Jaebum's slu** t: Did y'all see my post on twitter

 **Jaebum's slut** : our group picture at Sugi's birthday just hit 10k retweets

 **Sakamoto** : Finally, I'm famous

 **Daddy** : The replies are filled with thirsty girls for our hot faces

 **Daddy** : plus like 3 guys talking about Kagura but WHO CARES

 **Jaebum's slut** : jokes on them were all gays 

 **Sakamoto** : or in a relationship 

 **Sakamoto** : I gained like 1k followers thanks to this post

 **Jaebum's slut** : same 

 **Jaebum's slut** : a lot of girls hit me up in the dms and i was just like "I have a boyfriend"

 **Daddy** : yes babe shut them down 

 **Jaebum's slut** : but then half of them are like "i dont mind you having another guy" or "I always wanted a gay friend!!"

 **Daddy** : ew I hope you blocked the fuck outta them 

 **Sakamoto** : gimme their @ imma block too

 **Jaebum's slut** : you know i did

 **Daddy** : ily

 **Jaebum's slut** : <3

* * *

 **Daddy** : YALL MARIE ANTOINETTE FINISHED FIRST FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

 **Daddy** : MY BABY GIRL FINISHED FIRST??

 **Daddy** : Im in actual tears im so proud of her 

 **Jaebum's slut** : it was an amazing race i loved every moment

 **Jaebum's slut** : it's really intense i almost had a heart attack

 **Daddy** : Marie Antoinette deserved it she worked hard

 **Daddy** : she really snatched every weave out there 

 **Daddy** : she will be really popular in the future i just know it 

 **Jaebum's slut** : I will be her fan forever

 **Takasubi** : She has such supportive parents aw

 **Takasubi** : so cute

 **Takasubi** : also congrats for the win!

 **Daddy** : she says thanks Takasugi but she still hates you 

 **Daddy** : I dont think a day where she forgives you exists

 **Takasubi** : ;(

 **Jaebum's slut** : what did you do again

 **Takasub** i: I didn't mean to toss her in the trash can i swear

 **Takasubi** : I thought she was salad

 **Jaebum's slut** : you thought wrong apparently

 **Daddy** : get your eyes checked Sugi pls

 **Takasubi** : If I do will she let me see her again

 **Daddy** : She says she'll think about it

 **Takasubi** : Good

 **Mum~:** I swear you all get weirder everyday.

 **Jaebum's slut** : Well looks like the rightful owner of this account is back!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To y'all who hit me up on tumblr and twitter...i love you xoxo And to everyone who writes comments, even if I don't reply I love you all and it's really nice to read you!!!


	14. Zura is Donald trump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO FUCJEN SORRY?? This is short, not funny, late and probably full of typos but I really kicked my ass for this! School is taking all my time + work and I'm always tired and legit had a three day long breakdown but ANYWAY- enjoy this^-^

**The man** : i looked at the sun during the eclipse

 **Queen™** : hope you died

 **Daddy** : secretly i always suspected Zura to be Trump

 **Queen™** : we been knew

 **The man** : this is random

 **Daddy** : you look alike

 **The man** : I HATE U

 **The man** : how do we even look alike

 **Daddy** : the hair maybe?

 **Queen™** : the face is also...quite similar

 **The man** : i think im crying right now?

 **Daddy** : y'all ever pick your nose so deep and feel like you just fcked up your whole life and regret

 **Queen™** : Gintoki i swear...

 **The man** : it'll start bleeding if you pick too deep man

 **The man** : what the fuck is wrong with you

 **Daddy** : i think i have a piece of my brain on my finger

 **Queen™** : what brain?

 **Daddy** : you come into MY house and disrespect me, my dog and my whole family on the day of my daughter's wedding, you

 **The man** : STOP?

 **Queen™** : i say dont pick your nose

 **Daddy** : stfu i literally have 30 photos of you picking your nose

 **Daddy** : scratching your butt

 **Mum~** : dont forget when she looks for food in her bra.

 **Daddy:** thats just the two of yall? Please spare me the details bYE

 **Queen™** : you both dont know shit ok

 **Queen™** : a respectable girl keeps her snacks in her boobs

 **Queen™** : everybody knows that

 **Daddy** : nuh uh darling

 **Daddy** : thats just you

 **Queen™** : shut up you dont know anything about women you scare them off

 **Daddy** : THAT IS A SENSITIVE SUBJECT

 **The man** : since when what did I miss

 **Queen™** : this bitch here once tried to flirt with a woman

 **The man** : arent you the gayest of the gays

 **Daddy** : it was a dark time where I tried to convince myself that i wss straight

 **The man** : LMAOOO BITCH

 **Daddy** : STOP THATS NOT THE POINT

 **Queen™** : ANYWAYS !

 **Queen™** : he goes up to her, nervous as heCK bc whats a woman?

 **Queen™** : she turns around and upon seeing his face, RAn

 **The man** : WHY

 **Queen™** : take a guess

 **The man** : please dont tell me he was picking his nose

 **Daddy** : why cant I be a victim for once in my life in those stories

 **The man** : GINTOKI YOU DISGRACE

 **Daddy** : I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO ACT AND KAGURA TOLD ME TO ACT LIKE MYSELF SO I DID

 **The man** : when people say that they dont really mean it you dumb dead fish looking arsehole

 **Daddy** : weLL EXCUSE ME???

 **Daddy** : It was my first time flirting

 **Daddy** : give me a damn chance

 **The man** : awww how did hijikata ever fall in love with this imbecile

 **Queen™:** this is a case for the FBI

 **Daddy** : hijikata is as much of a dork as I am so shut up

 **Daddy** : you dont know anything about our relationship bye<3

 **The man** : oh honey...

 **Queen™** : all the screenshots ive taken this past few weeks

 **Jaebum's slut** : first of all you said you would never talk about this

 **Jaebum's slut** : second of all i trusted you

 **Jaebum's slut** : third of all fuck you for breaking this trust

 **The man** : he needs to know

 **Daddy** : wat

 **The man** : Hijikata has been spamming us with pictures of both of you on snapchat <3

 **The man** : sometimes its cute

 **Queen™** : other times gross

 **The man** : and often its borderline illegal

 **Jaebum's slut** : but most importantly you PROMISED you wouldnt tell Gintoki

 **Queen™** : shit happens deal with it

 **The man** : i would high five you if I was with you Kags

 **Queen™** : and I would punch you in the dick, whats your point?

 **The man** : wow okay I didnt expect that

 **Daddy** : i cant even be mad bc thats the cutest shit hijikata has done ever

 **Jaebum's slut** : suddenly im single

 **Queen™** : KDOSNSOSND

 **Queen™** : MY LUNGS

 **The man** : every one getting owned and that includes me but i love it

 **Queen™** : no one asked you

 **Daddy** : fucking hell

 **Daddy** : i hate all of you

 **Daddy** : except hijikata<3

 **Jaebum's slut** : go tf away

 **Queen™** : I CANT BRETAHEEEE

 **Daddy** : brb throwing myself off a bridge

 **The man** : lol have a nice trip

 **Daddy** : thanks

* * *

 

 **Takasubi** : _sent a photo_

 **Takasubi** : y'all already know what the fuck is going on

 **Sakamoto** : no The fuck we dont

 **Sakamoto** : what are you doing with a banana, lube and a fork

 **Takasubi** : DUH

 **Sakamoto** : what the hell you mean duh

 **Takasubi** : bye

 **Sakamoto** : alright have fun

* * *

 

 **The man** : KDKSKSKS??

 **The man** : either Takasugi went to kill himself with a snack

 **The man** : or he is having some really kinky sex right now

 **The man** : either way im pleased so go on sir

* * *

 

 **Takasubi** : cant believe my plan didnt work

 **Takasubi** : i put the lube on the floor and smashed the banana on it and it still didnt work

 **Daddy** : erm what

 **Takasubi** : and yall dumb it wasnt anything like that

 **Daddy** : what the frickity fuck

 **Takasubi** : tried to play a prank on my co workers

 **Takasubi** : it didn't work

 **Daddy** : i guess we all have our hobbies

 **Daddy** : since were on the subject whats even your job

 **Daddy** : swords and all

 **Daddy** : please?

* * *

 

 **The man** : my lungs?

 **The man** : gintoki got left on read

 **The man** : Sugi is...a legend

 **Takasubi** : thank you i would like to thank my parents, and

 **The man** : ok stop we didn't ask actually

 **Mum~** : whats y'alls problem these days?

 **Mum~:** youre all so savage i cant even compete with this level.

 **Queen™** : school does that to you

 **Mum~** : glad im over this!

 **Mum~** : grateful!

 **Queen™** : ...,,,,

 **The man** : im not even in school fndkkrkrkkkkkkrkr xkakLzlxmmcd

 **Queen™:** you need psychological help zura

 **Mum~** : truly

 **The man** : we all do

 **Takasubi** : he's not wrong

 **Queen™** : you know what i reallyyy like?

 **Queen™** : not talking about deep trauma that caused me deep mental issues yeah really like that

 **Takasubi** : fucking hell this got deep real quick

 **The man** : you ok sweetie?

 **Queen™** : what did i just say

 **The man** : i hope you die

 **Queen™** : youre quick xoxo

 **Mum~** : show's over go home.

 **Mum~** : kagura im coming over

 **Queen™** : every time i talk about my mental health he comes running

 **The man** : fuck goals

 **Mum~** : shut up or i aint coming.

 **Queen™** : WHOOPS BYE

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so short im actually ashamed to post it but please next one is going to be longer


	15. Cat pillow?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all this is the last chapter for all of my fics for a mini hiatus of a week and a half bc Okikagu week is coming! Second of all, the second half of the chapter doesnt have bolded usernames bc I was on mobile and it didnt work! Third of all thanks and last of all enjoy xoxo

**The man** : what do you call a fat psychic

 **The man** : a 4-chin-teller

 **Takasubi** : this is the kind of thing that reminds me why im so suicidal

 **The man** : sex while camping is fucking in tents

 **Takasubi** : wait i dont get it

 **The man** : what did the buffalo say when his son went to college?

 **The man** : Bison

 **Takasubi** : fucKING STOP ALREADY

 **Daddy** : THE SECOND ONE RKFKDODOEKE

 **Daddy** : I CANF BREATHEHEHE

 **The man** : thank you for appreciating my humour

 **Takasubi** : shut the heck up you probably found these shitty puns on reddit

 **The man** : did not

 **Takasubi** : yes you did

 **The man** : I DID NOT

 **Takasubi** : JUST ADMIT IT YOU BURNT PIECE OF BROCOLI

 **The man** : okay I did

 **The man** : every time you call me a brocoli i get weak i cant lie

 **Daddy** : what the fuck

 **Daddy** : Wish Hijikata would give me cute nicknames like that

 **Jaebum's slut** : i do?

 **Jaebum's slut** : i call you babe, baby, darling, honey

 **Daddy** : see thats what i meant

 **Daddy** : sometimes i want you to be more original

 **Jaebum's slut** : gimme 5 mins

 **The man** : i dont trust this

 **Daddy** : im kinda excite

 **Jaebum's slut** : ok hear me out

 **Jaebum's slut** : chipmunk, chunky monkey, dream boat, marshmallow man, shmoopsie poo

 **The man** : JCKDOSOEWOS

 **Takasubi** : WHATA IS THIS

 **Jaebum's slut** : my personal favourite is dream boat

 **Jaebum's slut** : what do you think, dream boat, hm?

 **Daddy** : i threw up in my mouth and swallowed the vomit

 **The man** : fucking ew

 **Takasubi** : honestly hijikata made the effort give him credit

 **Daddy** : please just continue with normal pet names

 **Jaebum's slut** : alright sweets

 **Takasubi** : damn zura we need to step up our game

 **The man** : fuck off you ugly rotten cauliflower

 **Takasubi** : thats my boy

 **The man** : love u always

* * *

 

 **Sakamoto** : DID ANY OF YOU SEE KAGURA'S SC STORY

 **Jaebum's slut** : WHAT HAPPENED

 **Daddy** : no????

 **Sakamoto** : she's in the hospital

 **Daddy** : SHES WHAT NOW

 **Jaebum's slut** : im going to need the address please right now

 **Sakamoto** : idk which hospital

 **Daddy** : WHAT THE HECK

 **Daddy** : @sougo wtf what happened

 **Jaebum's slut** : Gintoki is on the verge of tears actually

 **Daddy** : AM NOT

 **Jaebum's slut:** whatever you say

 **Daddy** : @sougo

 **Daddy** : @sougo

 **Mum~** : what do you want leave me alone?

 **Daddy** : how can you say that when your girlfriend is dYING

 **Mum~** : she really isnt

 **Mum~** : she'll be out in like two days

 **Daddy** : OK STILL WHY

 **Jaebum's slut** : we need to know pls

 **Mum~** : geez remember youre not her actual parents

 **Jaebum's slut** : we seem to forget that often

 **Daddy** : we really do

 **Sakamoto** : we dont care explain

 **Mum~** : well we were about to eat some leftover food but it looked disgusting it was green/blue so I said let's order take out

 **Mum~** : but she said "bet i can eat it and live!"

 **Daddy** : i already know where this is going

 **Mum~** : and i answered "dont eat it, Kagura, you'll get sick"

 **Mum~** : but she was hell bent on it and said again "im going to eat it"

 **Mum~** : and again i was like dont fucking eat it

 **Mum~** : and then she ate the whole thing

 **Mum~** : and she got food poisoning and is stuck in a hospital bed

 **Daddy** : I CNANRKSEO

 **Jaebum's slut** : why is she like this

 **Mum~** : i truly dont know but I wish she would stop

 **Daddy** : cant believe i almost cried for this stupid bitch

 **Sakamoto** : this is the most kagura thing ive ever read in my entire life

 **Daddy** : honestly? Same

 **Jaebum's slut** : i hate her

 **Mum~** : Kamui almost fought me because Kagura told him I had dared her to eat it

 **Daddy** : LMAOOO

 **Daddy** : i think she secretly wants you dead

 **Mum~** : probably

 **Mum~** : i mean who doesn't

 **Sakamoto** : you right

 **Mum~** : shut the hell up sakamoto

* * *

 

 **The man** : fellas...is it gay to take trash out? I mean men are trash so you basically taking another man out...

 **Takasubi** : bitch you're gay

 **The man** : my question persists...

 **The man:** opinions?

 **Takasubi** : my opinion is for you to finally leave your bullshit out of this gc

 **The man** : thats mean:(

 **Sakamoto** : tbh Why arent you in a relationship with each other

 **Takasubi** : we love being free men

 **Sakamoto** : so this is some kind of fucked relationship where yall open to have your bf have another bf?

 **The man** : no...

 **Sakamoto** : what

 **Takasubi** : we never really talked about this kind of thing i think

 **Sakamoto** : why you would be so cute

 **The man** : mind yo business

 **Sakamoto** : :(

 **Sakamoto** : i just want my best friends happy

 **The man** : any opinions on my question from earlier?

 **Daddy** : hey hear me out!!!!

 **The man** : fellas?

 **Daddy** : I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING

 **Sakamoto** : well i think its up to your point of view

 **Daddy** : ??!!:

 **The man** : sakamoto explain

 **Takasubi** : i think he means if youre homophobic

 **Daddy** : PLEASE WILL YOU LET ME SAY ONE THING IMPORTANT

 **Sakamoto** : are you homophobic sugi?

 **Daddy** : WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME

 **Takasubi** : wtf im literally gay

 **Sakamoto** : o right i forgot kinda

 **Daddy** : PAY ATTENTION TO ME

 **The man** : WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING GINTOKI

 **The man** : WHATS YOUR PROBLEM FFS

 **Daddy** : no one would hear what i had to say

 **Daddy** : it was really important too

 **The man** : well what is it

 **Daddy** : i caught a yellow butterfly

_**The man** removed **Daddy** from the conversation._

**The man** : can you be more annoying than this bitch god

 **The man** : he's so noisy for no reason

 **Takasubi** : thank you lord almighty the evil is defeated

 **Sakamoto** : weve been blessed

 **The man** : :-)

* * *

 

Queen™: I lived bitch

The man: no thank you

Takasubi: fUCK GO BACK

Queen™: wow ok your best friend gets out of the hospital and thats HOW YOU TREAT HER?

Queen™: where is gintoki when i need him

Queen™ added Daddy to the conversation.

Daddy: Oh kagura

Queen™: what tf you mean "oh"

Daddy: nothing:))))))

Daddy: anyway hi stupid and fuck you Zura

The man: rude

Daddy: dont act like you dont deserve it

The man: dont act like YOU didn't deserve it

Daddy: BOI YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR MOUTH BC I WILL SLAP YOU ACROSS THE ROOM

The man: you would never

Daddy: dont you know me at all?

Takasubi: Hi Gintoki i love u i swear i did nothing wrong<3

Daddy: sugi dont

Queen™: can yall...pay attention to me

The man: another attention seeker ffs

Queen™: i almost died and you treat me like shit:(

The man: lol shut your bitch ass self you brought this on yourself

Queen™: sougo dared me to do it im innocent

Mum~: HUN DONT PLAY ME LIKE THAT

Mum~: i swear to god if you tell someone im responsible once again...

Queen™: ok FINE!

Queen™: it was all me and im stupid

The man: voila

Daddy: she finally admits

Daddy: i think we should all be adults and admit our wrong doings

The man: o okay then

The man: Sugi im sorry i accidentally killed your cat

Takasubi: YOU FUCKINR WHAT

Daddy: omg this is not what i meant...

Takasubi: YOU TOLD ME YOU SAW MY OLD NEIGHBOUR RUN OVER IT WITH HER CAR

Takasubi: YOU PROMISED ME IT WAA HER

Takasubi: I HATED HER AND DIDNT FEED HER FISH AS REVENGE BC OF IT

The man: WELL IM SORRY I COULDNT TELL YOU I SIT ON HIM AND THOUGHT IT WAS A PILLOW COULD I

Takasubi: YOU MURDERER MY CAT WITH YOUR ASS?

The man: THATS WHAT I JUST SAID

Takasubi: you are so fucking dead you killed my poor innocent Mr. lunchbox

Takasubi: WITH. YOUR. ASS.

Takasubi: AND YOU LIED ABOUT IT

The man: im sorry i really am sugi so so sorry

Daddy: ok what the fuck Zura thats fucked up

Daddy: but

Daddy: i cant stop laughing this is ridiculous

Takasubi: oh yeah you find this funny?

Takasubi: Well gintoki remember that guy that flirted with you and you were soooo interested in him but then he just flat out punched you for no reason?

Daddy: yeah...?

Takasubi: i paid him to do that

Daddy: THE FUCKENEJ

Daddy: I LOWKEY CRIED AND WONDERED WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME FOR DAYS

Daddy: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

Takasubi: you had pissed me off that day

The man: JDKSKSKSOS

Queen™: since were all here i want to say...Zura i was the one to cut your hair in the middle of the night 2 years ago

Queen™: but hey they grew back quite nicely huh?

The man: you are so going back to the hospital you stupid fuckint

Jaebum's slut: OK STOP WTF?

Jaebum's slut: what the fuck is happening here

Takasubi ZURA KILLED MY CAT

Jaebum's slut: okay im going back i dont wanna hear this

Daddy: rude?

Jaebum's slut: seriously stop this

Jaebum's slut: its all in the past who cares

Queen™: alright

Queen™: but just so you know i was the one who destroyed your stupid book about different types of mayo

Queen™: but, hey! Its all in the past right?

Jaebum's slut: YOU DISEKEEO I WILL KILL YOU

Daddy: here we go again

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic really is just the huge shitpost that goes through my mind every single day why am i like this
> 
>  
> 
> See y'all in a week in a half i love you
> 
> Tumblr: fruitpunchsamu-rai  
> Twitter: oikawasalien


	16. BTS is coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS BEEN FOR FOREVER IM SORRY 
> 
> This is short and I didnt bother putting bolded usernames bc on mobile it bugs, enjoy hihi

Queen™: why are dicks dressed up?

Sakamoto: what the fuck you mean

Queen™: i mean why are dicks dressed up

Daddy: im not sure i understand

Queen™: ffs i just wanna know why dicks are dressed up

Queen™: they have a little skin coat you know

Sakamoto: have you been watching porn

Queen™: maybe what is it to you

Daddy: @sougo come collect your girl

Queen™: im a grown ass woman i dont need him

Daddy: youre in uni

Queen™: so is Sakamoto!

Sakamoto: whom'st've

Queen™: any real men gonna answer or?

Sakamoto: there are no real men here

Queen™: why'd you call yourself out like that

Sakamoto: i dont like lying

Daddy: sakamoto stfu...

Daddy: digging all of our graves at once

Sakamoto: welp

Daddy: hey this is random but i want to throw myself off a bridge

Queen™: do a flip

Sakamoto: nice

Daddy: y'all heartless sluts i hate you

Queen™: jk jk dont do it

Daddy: i feel the sarcasm all the way over here

Queen™: its not! Stop! Being! Extra!

Daddy: :(

* * *

 

The man: remember when pokemon go came out and everyone was happy

The man: like the whole world was at peace for a few months

The man: i miss it

Takasubi: sis...me too

Takasubi: truly the best thing that happened in 2016

Takasubi: the rest of the year was shitty

The man: yeah ikr

The man: it was a cursed year

The man: 2015 was awful for the one direction fam too...

Takasubi: what fuck the

Takasubi: YOU STAN ONE DIRECTION

The man: let me live perhaps...

Takasubi: YOU STAN ONE DIRKSOEMSKF

The man: im going to cry i miss my babies...stop

Takasubi: they disbanded stop

The man: THEY PROMISED

Takasubi: THEY ARENT COMING BACK ZURA

The man: men aint shit...they keep lying to me

The man: at least I can stan them as solo artists:(

The man: my wig keeps levitating

The man: plus BTS comeback is tomorrow...bITVJ

The man: ILL BE BALD

The man: bald, deceased and in heaven

Takasubi: guRL ME TOO

Takasubi: im not fucking ready

Daddy: i hear BTS im bringing my fat ass to the conversation

The man: fat ass

Daddy: HEAR ME OUT

Daddy: IF SEOKJIN DOESNT GET WHAT HE DESERVES IM GONNA SUE BIG HIT

Daddy: im gonna sue them and im going to buy the company and im giving Seokjin all the goddamn lines

Daddy: SEOKJIN BETTER HAVE SOLO SHOTS IN DNA

Daddy: AND HE BETTER STEAL MY WIG WITH THOSE VOCALS

Daddy: IM ROOTINH FOR HIM

The man: calm tf down

Daddy: i love him stop:(

Takasubi: too much maybe

Daddy: no...

Daddy: imagine thinking you can measure my love for him pff

Takasubi: idc

Daddy: youre gonna catch this block if you dont stfu...

The man: anyway

The man: cant wait to be well fed by my mans

Daddy: me too ive been starving lately

The man: i aint been starving since i stan exo

The man: and monsta x

The man: im an intellectual

Daddy: you stan one direction

The man: stop talking about them im going to kill myself

Daddy: its just so funny

Takasubi: ikr only Zura the hentai watcher could stan them

Daddy: KDODKDOS I HAD FORGOTTEN ABT THAT

The man: me too wtf...

Takasubi: you forgot you watch hentai on a daily basis

The man: thats not what I said...

The man: i forgot i got caught

Takasubi: give me some recs

The man: are you fucking with me

Takasubi: no i swear

The man: boku no pico

Daddy: FFFS DKDKDKRKRKE

Daddy: I JUST LOST 20 DOLLARS

The man: what

Takasubk: I CANT BREATHE I WAS RJGHT

Takasubi: MY LUNGS

Daddy: zura...we bet you would rec boku no pico if asked...

Daddy: i truly believed in you and said you would never but i guess i should stop putting my trust in you

Takasubi: I KNEW YOI WERE A DISGUSTING PIECE OF GARBAGE

The man: takasugi you watch hentai too...

Takasubi: ok but the soft ones and i sure as hell never watched boku no pico

The man: IM SO TIRED ALL YOU EVER DO IS BULLY ME

Daddy: we dont drama queen

The man: you really do

Takasubi: kinda

Takasubi: but its out of love

The man: riGHT

Takasubi: xoxo

Daddy: gossip girl

Takasubi: SHUT UR

 

 

 

 


	17. Your bike ugly as shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW GINTAMA SEASON CELEBRATION WOOOO IM HYPER AS FUCK ENJOY THIS

Daddy: remember that time i almost died bc of a shopping cart

Jaebum’s slut: a what

Daddy: Hiji darling im sorry but that username

Daddy: change it

Jaebum’s slut: how

_Daddy changed Jaebum’s slut’s name to Baby boy._

Daddy: that suits you more

The man: ok first of all this is disgusting

Daddy: what is

The man: do you realize

The man: youre named daddy and hijikata is baby boy

The man: disgusting!!!!

Daddy: who the fuck you think you are to say that

Daddy: youre the most disgusting out of all of us

The man: SIS I AINT

Daddy: EXCUSE U

The man: EXPLAIN YOURSELF

Daddy: we had this conversation like a week ago

Daddy: you watch gross hentai, youre into vore, kinkshaming and shrek roleplay

Daddy: and im probably missing a few

The man: half of those are fake

The man: they were created to tarnish my reputation

Daddy: LMAOOO BITCH YOUR WHAT

The man: STOP HURTING MY FEELINGS

The man: you didnt even deny the daddy thing

Daddy: well I am now

Daddy: we are NOT into this

Baby boy: i agree

The man: fine then! But i keep my suspicions

Daddy: do what you like

Baby boy: what was that about shopping carts

The man: FLDKSKWKSKS

The man: i swear to god that time was fucked up

Daddy: it really was...

Daddy: short story short we got the hecc drunk one time

Daddy: and we found some people in a dark alley doing shopping cart races

The man: so we thought i’d be fun to participate

Daddy: it was at first

The man: until we realized the people were thugs

The man: and one of them beat the fuck out of gintoki with a shopping cart

Baby boy: what the fuck

Baby boy: i thought you were going to say you fell out of the shopping cart or something

Daddy: well babe shit happens

Baby boy: what did you even do to piss him off like that

Daddy: i said his bike was ugly as shit

Baby boy: why would you say that

Daddy: because his bike was ugly as shit

Baby boy: ...makes sense

* * *

 

Queen™: what is like...the point

Takasubi: of

Sakamoto: of anything ever

Queen™: yeah

Takasubi: same

* * *

 

Takasubi: i would like to say,

Takasubi: i am ready to adopt a new cat

Takasubi: i have moved on from Mr. lunchbox

Sakamoto: after 5 years?

Sakamoto: about damn time

Takasubi: leave me alone

Takasubi: i always doubted the true nature of his death so i couldnt move past it

Takasubi: but when zura admitted to killing him, i felt like i could let him go

Takasubi: justice was served

Sakamoto: not really

Sakamoto: you have yet to kill zura as revenge

Takasubi: im a pacifist i cant do that

Sakamoto: JSJDJSJS

Sakamoto: you ever thought of pursuing a comedian career

Takasubi: shut the fuck up

Takasubi: i am for real

Sakamoto: your username used to be destroyeverything

Takasubi: how dare you bring up my dark past like that

Sakamoto: it was really funny

Takasubi: where is zura when we need someone to bully

Takasubi: i dont want to be the one bullied

The man: u know what? Fuck off

Takasubi: hi bb

The man: fuvk off

Takasubi: i luv u

The man: eat my ass

Takasubi: gladly

The man: i didnt mean it

Sakamoto: zura...stfu

The man: wow thx

Takasubi: anyway who wanna come with me to adopt a cat

The man: omg me!!!!!

Sakamoto: me too;-;

Takasubi: ok meet me at my house

The man: yes

Sakamoto: im hyped bitch

* * *

 

The man: GUESS THE FUCK WHAT

Baby boy: what

The man: can u perhaps put more feeling into it

Baby boy: what!!!!!! :o

The man: too much

Baby boy: what????

The man: not enough

Baby boy: what?!!

The man: just right

The man : sent a photo

The man: I FELL IN LOVE TODAY

Baby boy: omg that is so cute(〃ω〃)

Daddy: im a dog person and hijikata person leave this out of the gc

The man: BUT

The man: LOOK AT THEM

The man: the cat is just snuggling in Sugi’s neck

The man: isnt this the cutest fucking thing?

Daddy: the only thing i see are Sugi’s crocs

Daddy: you live like this?

The man: sugi says you’ll never meet his cat

Daddy: fine

The man:

Daddy:

The man:

Daddy: OK NOT FINE I TAKE MY WORDS BACK YOUR KAKI CROCS ARE REALLY NICE

The man: great now youre all invited to Takasugi’s place to welcome this fluff ball

Daddy: whats his name

The man: dont assume its gender wtf...

Daddy: what is its gender then

The man: she is a nice black and white lady

The man: and Sugi named her cheesecake

Daddy: cheesecake

Baby boy: i must say she is really stunning

Baby boy: i cant wait to pet her

Daddy: CHEESECAKE

The man: WHATS THE BIG DEAL

Daddy: CHEESECAKE FFS

Daddy: who names a cat cheesecake

Baby boy: sugi obviously

Baby boy: i love her name it suits her

Baby boy: its really original too

Baby boy: great job sugi!!

The man: he says thanks

The man: we’ll be waiting for you!!

Daddy: ok but cheesecake

Daddy: i cant believe

Daddy: why

Baby boy: fuck sake gintoki

Daddy: what?

Daddy: i just

Daddy: nvm

Baby boy: good

Daddy: well im hungry for cheesecake now

Baby boy: lets grab some before heading to sugi’s

Daddy: yay

* * *

 

Takasubi: gintoki stop posting pictures of madame cheesecake on instagram

Takasubi: youre invading her privacy

Takasubi: you didnt want to be associated with her two hours ago

Daddy: BUT SHES TOO CUTE

Daddy: imma kidnap her

Takasubi: do it bitch i dare you

Daddy: i swear to god im gonna do it

Takasubi: i am calling the police as WE SPEAK

Daddy: pls dont im already in trouble with them

Takasubi: what the heck

Daddy: dont even ask

* * *

 

Sakamoto: hi yall peep the new gintama season!!!!!!!!

Queen™: omg so excited

Daddy: yah

Takasubi: perhaps yall should shut the hell up

Sakamoto: youre just mad youre probably not gonna be in it

Takasubi: go fuck yourself

Daddy: LMAOOO

The man: get rekt bitch

Queen™: dont worry sugi i’ll miss you

Takasubi: thanks

Queen™: <3

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No bolded names again sorry for being a lazy fuck


	18. 7x8 = 72

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO! I know this is rather short but it’s because I plan on posting tomorrow as well for Gintoki’s birthday!!!! Enjoy my friends

Queen™: Math exams can kiss my wholeeee damn ass

Sakamoto: im with you on this one

Queen™: what is the fucking point

Queen™: i dont even major in anything slightly related to maths!

Queen™: i dont understand numbers leave me alone!

Sakamoto: same

Queen™: the last test I took I got 35% can you believe

Queen™: how worse can this get

Queen™: spoiler* really worse

Queen™: im having a whole ass breakdown bc of this shit

Sakamoto: do you want help with studying

Queen™: sakamoto youre the last person I would ask for help

Sakamoto: why:(

Queen™: whats 7x8

Queen™: without using a calculator

Sakamoto: i know this one

Sakamoto: easy pff

Sakamoto: its 72

Queen™: my job here is done

Queen™: i proved my point pretty fast

Daddy: damn Sakamoto youre a dumbass

Daddy: even i know the answer

Queen™: this is basic math man!

Queen™: you learn this shit when youre like 8

Daddy: o

Daddy: i learned it like 3 years ago

Queen™: sometimes i think im an idiot

Queen™: but then I talk with y’all

Queen™: and i love my damn smart self

Sakamoto: rUDE

Queen™: no its just the truth

Daddy: before i knew kagura i thought she would die alone in a ditch at age 18

Queen™: what the fuck

Daddy: ikr? So fucked up

Daddy: but look at you now

Queen™: you didnt even KNOW me and still had that little hope for me

Queen™: when I was emo kagura at 15 i wouldve been like!!! Hell yeah thx!!

Queen™: but the mature me is offended

Daddy: mature where

Sakamoto: dragged

Queen™: fuck right off

Queen™: i aint in the mood

Sakamoto: wooo okay

Daddy: calm tf down

Queen™: hey isnt there something special happening tomorrow

Daddy: YES THERE IS

Sakamoto: i feel like there is but i cant remember

Queen™: hm what could it be

Daddy: YALL PLS

Queen™: omg I know!

Daddy: !!!!!

Queen™: chocolate is on sale for a limited time tomorrow!

Sakamoto: omg thats it

Sakamoto: im hyped???

Queen™: gurl me too the fuck

Daddy: oh

Daddy: oh

Sakamoto: whats wrong?

Daddy: nothing

Daddy: im leaving bye

Queen™: damn whats his problem

Sakamoto: wish i knew

Queen™: ;)

* * *

 

Baby boy: hiya just passing through to say I love zura with my whole heart

Takasubi: wtf no one loves zura

Takasubi: is he holding you at gun point

Baby boy: wtf no

Baby boy: but he bought me my favourite candy without telling me

Baby boy: i feel cherished

The man: ILY TOO

The man: it felt like you had a rough time lately so I<3

Baby boy: ilyyy sm

Takasubi: tf why

Takasubi: u okay

Baby boy: i am now that I have all this candy to myself(〃ω〃)

Baby boy: its just modeling contracts werent coming as easily as before and i had some money issues but its alright now

Takasubi: omg you should have told us??

The man: yeah man wat the hell

The man: we would’ve helped you!!!

Baby boy: aw i didnt want to be a bother so I kept it to myself;-;

The man: since when are you, hijikata, the nicest most precious angel in the gc, would be a ducking bother

Baby boy: idk...always

Takasubi: BITCH NO

Takasubi: we...love you...sm

Takasubi: i would personally kill myself for you

The man: damn me too

Baby boy: OK NO I WOULD NEVER ASK YOU TO DO THAT

Takasubi: its aight im already suicidal it wouldnt be a big deal

The man: damn me too

Baby boy: wow ok i think you all need more help than I do

Takasubi: youre probably right

Takasubi: but just know that we here for you baby dont worry<3

The man: yesss always

Baby boy: thank youre all the best

The man: i know right

Takasubi: shut the hell up

The man: ALWAYS SO MEAN

Takasubi: YOU DESERVED IT

Baby boy: idk what i would do without you guys

Takasubi: AWWW

The man: so soft

Baby boy: (ᵔᴥᵔ)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t want to sound like I enjoy being praised or anything but...y’all don’t comment on the chapters anymore and that makes me feel like everyone lost interest in this fic and idk??? Y’all alive?


	19. GINTOKI DAY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ABSOLUTE LOVE OF MY LIFE!! Happy birthday to the best protag we could ever ask for, the hero we deserve, the strongest bitch out there, our very own Sakata Gintoki. I love him so much words will never be enough!!!!! ANYWAY I LOVE HIS DUMBASS AND I WOULD DIE FOR HIM HAPPY BIRTHDAY<3<3

Daddy: ok so what the actual fuck

Daddy: im so angry

Daddy: y’all FORGOT about me

Daddy: i think i’ll cry

Daddy: and yall fucking ignoring me

Daddy: i swear once i get home im killing myself

Daddy: even Hijikata ffs

Daddy: fuck you all

* * *

 

Queen™: I CANT BELIEVE WE GOT HIM THIS GOOD

Mum~: the thing im most surprised about is that you didnt spill everything

Queen™: hey! I know how to keep a secret fuck off

Mum~: lets say you right

The man: Gintoki are you still mad <3<3<3

Takasubi: He wasnt expecting that shit

Daddy: IM STILL CRYING

Daddy: You really did that...for me...

Daddy: i was really planning on hanging myself bc i thought all of you had forgotten abt my birthday

Daddy: I WAS SO SAD

Queen™: HOW COULD WE EVER FORGET

Sakamoto: you really dont trust us

Daddy: i had legitimate reasons

Daddy: but still a surprise party;’)))) y’all too much

The man: YOU DESERVE THE BEST!!!!

Baby boy: we all are...in the same house...stop texting

Mum~: too lazy to talk

Takasubi: damn me too

Baby boy: Ok then since gintoki is crying in his room and refusing to get out until he’s calmed down

Baby boy: i’ll say what I have to here

The man: omg im getting the tissues out everyone gather around

Takasubi: im ready for that emotional shit

Queen™: SOUGO TAKE NOTES

Mum~: fuck off

Baby boy: anyway. I’m sorry this is really cheesy

Baby boy: took me like 5 days to write this be considerate

Baby boy: Gintoki, you are the love of my life. I don’t think I ever met someone as genuine, nice, caring and pretty as you. You light up my world in the best way and i couldn’t ask for a better partner in life. You make me so happy, i wish i could give you the same feelings or even be able to express properly how I feel. There are no words to describe my love for you and the gratitude I have for your very existence. I will forever thank your parents to have put you in this world and Zura to have put you in my life. I don’t know what I would be without you to be completely honest. Thank you for everything my love, I hope you have the best birthday party ever and that we can continue celebrating together and with our friends for the rest of our days, however long that may be. Happy birthday, Gintoki, from your lover who is and will forever be by your side, Hijikata.

Takasubi: HIJIKATA IS CRYING

Takasubi: I AM CRYING

Takasubi: ZURA IS CRYING

Takasubi: KAGURA IS SOBBING

Takasubi: SAKAMOTO IS SCREAMING

Mum~: and im the normal one

The man: I SAW YOU WIPE THAT TEAR OFF MOTHERFUCKER

Mum~: im gonna beat your ass

Daddy: HIJIKATA BABY BABY WHOM I LOVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART I WOULD DIE FOR YOU

Daddy: IM CRYING SO HARD I CANT EVEN BREATHE PROPERLY

The man: COME OUT AND KISS YOUR MAN IDIOT

Takasubi: THEY ARE SO CUTE I WANT DEATH

Daddy: i dont deserve him i truly dont

Daddy: did I save an entire country in my past life to deserve this?

Daddy: i love you all sm

Queen™: WE LOVE YOU TOO OMG

Hijikata: i’ve never seen gintoki cry this hard before

Sakamoto: ME NEITHER

Sakamoto: anyway happy birthday again silver head♡

Takasubi: YES I HOPE YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU WISHED FOR ♡

The man: ME TOO HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABEEEE♡♡

Mum~: Happy birthday Gintoki, make this a good year

Queen™: Happy birthday dad♡♡

Sakamoto: ok lets drink now

Takasubi: YES BITCH

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata is me, Hijikata is all of us. Leave some love for Gintoki y’all he deserve<3


	20. The good reasons to kill Zura list

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think i was on crack when I wrote this

Mum~: seriously i know we’ve mentioned this before

Mum~: but psychological help doesn’t attract any of y’all?

Mum~: because you all need it so bad it’s actually scary

Daddy: darling mind yo business

Mum~: who are you calling darling

Daddy: you? Who else

Mum~: gross get the fuck away from me

Daddy: but we had sEX

Queen™: i just fucking choked on my saliva?

The man: IM CALLING THE POLICE

The man: HIJIKATA BABY WHERE ARE YOU

Mum~: was I high i dont remember

Queen™: SOUGO YOU HAD SEX WITH MY DAD

Mum~: WE DIDNT WTF

Queen™: thats it im calling your sister AND kamui

Daddy: HES GONNA BEAT MY ASS STOP

Daddy: we didnt it was a joKE

Daddy: we had sex bc were the parents of the gc so technically we had sex to have yall

Queen™: thats so fucked up

Queen™: so im like dating my dad?

Daddy: Sougo’s the mum

Mum~: THATS NOT THE ISSUE ITS PLAIN DISGUSTING

Queen™: can I still call him daddy

Daddy: yeah sure

The man: do yOU REALIZE THATS INCEST

Daddy: damn so me and Hijikata

Daddy: WE

Daddy: EWW

Mum~: wtf is wrong with you all

Mum~: im seriously about to throw up

The man: YALL DATING YOUR PARENTS

Queen™: stfu...youre dating your brother

Daddy: KDKSJSKSKSKS

The man: were not dating...officially

Daddy: never thought I’d say this but Sakamoto is the normal one of the group

Queen™: ive never been disrespected like this in my entire life

The man: why are we talking about incest again

Mum~: Gintoki’s fault as usual

Daddy: fuck you

Mum~: fuck YOU

Queen™: FUCK ME

The man:

Mum~:

Daddy:

Mum~: im so embarrassed right now i cant even

Queen™: omg shut up

The man: are we going to ignore the fact that Kags just revealed one of her kinks

Daddy: what

The man: she literally asked if she could call Sougo daddy

The man: daddy kink

Daddy: i already knew

The man: WHAT

Daddy: man she calls every hot guy she meets daddy

Daddy: she used to send us weird ass text messages saying “I’d let him choke the fuck outta me and call him daddy”

Daddy: SHE DID THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY

The man: i think i was traumatized and my memory did me a favour and deleted this part of my life

The man: BC I CANT REMEMBER

Queen™: i am so embarrassed why did you expose me

Daddy: its what you deserve

~~~~

* * *

 

Takasubi: does a murder interest anyone

Sakamoto: whomst?

Takasubi: zura

Sakamoto: yeah sure

Takasubi: okay so basically i stole his keys so tonight we’ll break in and I’ll bring a machete you can bring cleaning products

Takasubi: we’ll do this quick and nice

Takasubi: dont forget gloves so you dont leave prints everywhere

Sakamoto: good

Sakamoto: lets do this

Daddy: y’all really going to murder Zura without me?

Daddy: fucking rude

Takasubi: you can still come its not too late

Daddy: yay! Lets get hyped

The man: W H A T

The man: wtf

The man: are you really planning to kill me amd discussing your plans in THE GC?

The man: do it properly ffs

Takasubi: sorry we’ll know for next time

The man: can I just ask what did I do to be murdered this time

Takasubi: i was just bored so I was like hey i could just kill zura and pass time y’know

Takasubi: same ol’ thoughts

The man: thats a better reason than the last one

The man: bc I repeat, killing me for "farting too loudly" was really reaching

Takasubi: and being bored isnt?

The man: it comes second to last in the good ideas to murder zura list

Sakamoto: whats the first reason i cant remember

Takasubi: it has something to do with him talking

The man: it’s literally just written “he breathed”

Daddy: BITCHSHSH

Daddy: we fucked you up

Daddy: add this to the list "didnt agree on the reason to kill"

Takasubi: GOOD ONE

Sakamoto: yh bitch

The man: Its second in the list its pretty funny

Mum~: i dont know why I’m even bothering asking at this point

Mum~: but why are talking about this as if it happened all the time?

Mum~: do you really have a list like that?

Takasubi: we sure do

Takasubi: and its bc it does happen v often

Sakamoto: yeah its an habit

Mum~: killing zura is an habit?

Sakamoto: yeah?

Sakamoto: it started with Sugi attempting to kill zura with a pillow for real once

Daddy: he just...tried to suffocate him bc he wanted to see his reaction

Sakamoto: his dead face actually, to quote Sugi

Takasubi: KSKSKSKSK

Takasubi: i was wild back then

The man: it was like...a year ago barely wdym

Takasubi: i was fucked up

Mum~: god I cant with you all I swear you’re all so weird

Mum~: i feel like I say this everyday

Daddy: you do

The man: yeah all the time

The man: its starting to feel like you’re the weird one now

Mum~: please stop

* * *

 

Baby boy: wtf

Baby boy: did you kill zura

Baby boy: ZURA

Baby boy: he dead

Baby boy: MISTER ZURA IS FUCKIN DEAD

The man: ITS 3 A.M GO TO SLEEP MISTER HIJIKATA

* * *

 

Queen™: y’all: being headasses saying no one loves you

Queen™: me: first of all, I loVE YOU ALL SO DAMN MUCH SO SHUT UP

Queen™: i would DIE for you

Queen™: even you zura

The man: MY HEART MY SOUL

Queen™: IM A HUGE ASS SOFTIE AND I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU ALL

Daddy: hold up

Daddy: you are DRUNK MISS

Queen™: im not:(

Queen™: im...on my period and im sick so my emotions are a mess

Queen™: LIKE IM SO EMOTIONAL AND SOFT ITS HARD TO CONTAIN

Takasubi: omg this happens to me too sometimes

Daddy: bitch...you’re never on your period

Takasabi: amd how would you know that

Daddy: im

Daddy: well nvm i guess

* * *

 

Baby boy: its time to come out

Queen™: we already know you’re gay

Baby boy: no

Queen™: youre not gay?

Baby boy: NO

Queen™: wait are you or not now?

Queen™: are you saying no youre not gay or no youre gay

Baby boy: i AM gay

Queen™: makes sense

Baby boy: can I talk now?

Queen™: sure

Baby boy: i meant come out like the literal way

Baby boy: youre all hiding in the studio for my photoshoot i know

Baby boy: gintoki texted me saying see you at work

Baby boy: and we met in the bus

Baby boy: and we entered the building side to side

Baby boy: but i guess you all never saw me

Baby boy: i sure as hell did!

Daddy: JDKDKSKS WERE DUMBASSES

Baby boy: its the thought that matters!

Daddy: we wanted to surprise you bc you got a contract with GUCCI!

Daddy: BITCH GUCCI!!!!!!!!

Baby boy: I LOVE YOU

Queen™: you deserve it my bitch

Baby boy: thanks

Baby boy: come out and get the fuck out before i lose the contract right now

Daddy: ok:(

Queen™: SORRY

Baby boy: its okay be safe out there

Queen™: <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM A SOFTIE AND I LOVE YALLLL BYE


	21. Sakamoto is a dumbass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya two chapters in barely four days im wilding out good time

The man: im listening to one direction who wants to fight me

Takasubi: me

Queen™: me

Daddy: me

Sakamoto: me

Mum~:me

Baby boy: me

The man: why cant i have nice friends

Takasubi: what did you even expect

The man: support

Daddy: for?

The man: my 1D heartbreak

The man: they left me

The man: they stole my money and ran

The man: they robbed my heart and destroyed it

The man: BUT I STILL MISS THEM

Sakamoto: thats an abusive relationship

Mum~: just like yours Sakamoto

Daddy: JDKDKSKEOW HE FUCKED YOU UP

Sakamoto: it is not

Sakamoto: who said i didnt enjoy when she hit me?

_Mum~ removed Sakamoto from the conversation._

Daddy: GOOD RIDDANCE

* * *

 

Queen™: did I tell yall i graduated uni

Baby boy: WHAT

Daddy: ????

Daddy: ITS OCTOBER HOW

Daddy: thE SEMESTER JUST BARELY STARTED

Queen™: i mean...i graduated last spring i thought i told yall...

Mum~: you told me for sure

Mum~: we celebrated your success the same day with your family

Queen™: i remember that

Baby boy: I DONT RECALL YOU TELLING US

Daddy: which means you DIDNT bc Hijikata never forgets anything

Baby boy: he right

Daddy: GURL I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR MAJOR WAS?

Daddy: AND YOURE DONE WITH IT

Daddy: im your fucking dad i deserve to know

Queen™: i really thought you all knew dkdkdkkdksksk

Baby boy: wait

Baby boy: you were doing maths the other day

Baby boy: theres no correlation

Queen™: i didnt want to say it but I was retaking the final exam

Queen™: bc im a dumb bitch

Daddy: true

Queen™: stfu?

Daddy: That means sakamoto is the only one left still on school

Daddy: he’s older than Kagura dkdkdksksks

Daddy: i hate his dumbass

Mum~: will he ever pass his final exams

Mum~: he’s been retaking them for like 2 years

Daddy: ikr idk what the fuck is wrong with him

Queen™: CAN YALL CONGRATULATE ME OR SOMETHING

Queen™: youre so mean:(

Queen™: i graduated uni this isnt nothing

Daddy: you did that Last spring

Daddy: its been awhile lets move on

Queen™: technically I did 2 weeks ago when I passed my math exam

Daddy: congratulations

Queen™: this is so sarcastic and rude im going to cry

Mum~: he fucked you up real good

Baby boy: well I, for one, am really proud of you. Uni is hard im sure you worked really hard for it

Queen™: I LOVE YOU

Queen™: lets leave or respective boyfriends and get married

Daddy: hold the fuck up

Daddy: he mine

Baby boy: lets go

Daddy: ...

Daddy: sougo

Mum~: do not

Mum~: i will sue you for emotional distress if you say you want to marry me

Daddy: ...

Daddy: well you said it not me

Mum~: im calling my lawyer as we speak

Daddy: stop:(

Daddy: the law hates me

Baby boy: why

Daddy: idk

Daddy: i might have accidentally stolen a police car and drove into an ambulance

Queen™: BITCHCJCKDLSL

Baby boy: how are you not in prison

Daddy: my mum paid

Mum~: you are so pathetic

Mum~: how do you fuck up that badly

Mum~: i cant believe i hang out with a loser like you

Queen™: wait he said accidentally

Queen™: BITCH ASSUME YOUR ACTS

Daddy: I have not assumed a single thing I have ever done in my life ever

Daddy: I will not start for this bullshit

Daddy: plus the police officer clearly hated me saying i couldve killed someone like?

Daddy: i was in a parking lot no one would have died

Baby boy: ...what kind of parking lot...

Daddy: you really dont trust me omg im insulted

Queen™: WHAT KIND OF PARKING LOT

Daddy: an hospital’s...

Queen™: STFU YOU DIDNT

Baby boy: im breaking up

Daddy: STOPPP I SWEAR IT WAS A MISTAKE

Daddy: my evil twin did it

Queen™: YOUR EVIL TWINF DMKSDKKDDL

Queen™: MY LUNGS

Baby boy: seriously why

Baby boy: someone could have been in that ambulance

Daddy: i know i wont do it again

Baby boy: you better

Queen™: HIS EVIL TWIN I CANTJKDKSKSL

Queen™: WHY DID HE SAY THAT

Daddy: i’ll whoop your ass

Queen™: can you get your evil twin to do it

Mum~: i laughed

Queen™: ME TOO MGKFLFL

Daddy: bye

* * *

 

_Takasubi added Sakamoto to the conversation._

Takasubi: he’s been harassing me to add him back for a week

Takasubi: i couldnt take it anymore

Takasubi: i succumbed to the devil:(

Sakamoto: fuck you

Sakamoto: and fuck yall i will graduate uni at my own rhythm

Takasubi: if thats what you want

Sakamoto: yes it is

* * *

 

The man: what are yall dressing up as for Halloween

Takasubi: SPOOKY TIMES

The man: YES

Takasubi: I’m going as no face from Spirited away its gon be lit

The man: wish I had this idea

Takasubi: me too

The man: but

The man: nvm

Daddy: so cool sugi wtf

Daddy: im doing the “you know I had to do it to em” guy

The man: FUCK THIS IS SO GOOD

The man: my idea is so bad compared to yall

Takasubi: what is it

Daddy: WAIT DONT ASK HIM THAT

Daddy: what if its hentai related

The man: STFUU

The man: im just a witch

Daddy: this is so lame

Takasubi: cant you more original

The man: no i cannot

Takasubi: fine do what you want

The man: thanks

Daddy: still lame

The man: fuck you

Daddy: with pleasure

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i’m turning 18 thursday and thats really wild...but im not ready for this adult thing can someone punch me in the face real quick anyway i might have a chapter out that day to celebrate my own birthday bc i have no friends so yeah be prepared for that shit!!


	22. Oomf’s birthday....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAGURA!! I love you so much my cute daughter whom I would die for skskskskak

Queen™: its oomfs birthday

Takasubi: who

Queen™: ME BITCH

Takasubi: damn i forgot

The man: ME TOO FKDKEEKEKE

The man: I was focused on Minhyuk’s birthday i forgot it was yours the same day dndnkdwkw

Daddy: ME TOO HOLY SHIT

Queen™: i reallt fucking hate you all

Baby boy: happy birthday nonetheless!!!!

Baby boy: we love so much I would die for you

Daddy: ME TOO YOURE MY DAUGHTER YOU KNOW I’D DIE FOR YOU

Daddy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BBY

Sakamoto: happy fucking birthday!!!!!

Sakamoto: I personally didnt forget

Sakamoto: I knew

Queen™: horton hears a bitch ass liar

Baby boy: THIS IS SOSJSKSKS

Baby boy: Kags i love u more than Gintoki do not worry love

Queen™: this is what I deserve

Baby boy: heart emoji heart emoji

Daddy: wow

Daddy: w o w

The man: we been knew

The man: anyway I would like to say this before anything

The man: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE MINHYUKIE ♡ ♡

The man: and happy birthday to Kagura as well

Takasubi: the lack of emotion for kagura...mood

Queen™: you dont love me:(

The man: dont

Queen™: i really do mu best for you all and this is what i get?

The man: stOP

Queen™: i love u with my whole heart and you cant give me the same love?

Takasubi: kagura...

Daddy: oh god shes doing it

Queen™: why do you hate me? Like i know everyone hates me and all

Queen™: but dont I deserve your love at least?

Queen™: youre making me cry on my birthday

Daddy: SHES DONE IT NOW

The man: I LOVE U KAGS IM SORRY DONT CRY LOVE DIDKEKEKE

The man: HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LOVE U SO MUCH

Takasubi: I LOVE U TOO KAGURA STOP CRYING PLEASE HAPPY BIRTHDAY I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!!!!!

Daddy: why does this work literally every single time

Queen™: thank you I love you too

Queen™: bc youre idiots gintoki

Sakamoto: lol we are

Queen™: this wasnt even about you and you still agreed....

Queen™: what kind of self drag

The man: just would like to point out that Sougo didn’t wish you an happy birthday

Baby boy: you live for drama zura dont you?

Baby boy: you cant stfu

Baby boy: dont make her sad

Queen™: its aight Hiji baby

Daddy: dont say it

Takasubi: NONONO

Queen™: I got some birthday sex

The man: THE

Daddy: UGGGHEJSJWJ

Takasubi: WE DIDNT WANT TO KNOW

Queen™: muah

Baby boy: in tears

Baby boy: i am in tears

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is short! But! I’m posting another chapter today or tomorrow so wait for that babes


	23. Endless love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki’s story at beginning lowkey happened to me the other day im still freaked out JSJSJSJS (gintoki’s character is highly inspired by myself lmao)

Daddy: OK LISTEN TO THIS

Daddy: im still crying

Baby boy: go ahead baby

Daddy: >>>>>baby<<<<<<<

Daddy: we’ve been together for months and i still freak out BITCH

The man: not the point

Daddy: ok right

Daddy: So i was at work and theres like these big ass windows right?

Baby boy: right

Baby boy: the place where we made out?

Daddy: SHUT TKTKRM

The man: omg never going to your bookstore ever again...

Daddy: ANYWAY

Daddy: the store was closed and I was just about to leave

Daddy: and like theres this man all dressed in black with a hat and a big ass suitcase

Daddy: ANd he’s just standing there, staring at me

Daddy: I FREAKED OUT I THOUGHT IT WAS THE HITMAN I FOUND IN THE DEEP WEB THE OTHER DAY

Daddy: I THOUGHT HE WAS THERE TO KILL ME

Daddy: so i screamed and said "LEAVE OR IM CALLING THE POLICR" he looked so alarmed and opened his suitcase

Daddy: I SCREAMED EVEN LOUDER DKDKDKKD

Daddy: i thought he was getting his gun out

Daddy: but it was just...an old man returning his books.......

The man: I CANSNTNTNDKSKDKSK

Baby boy: THIS IS SO FUNNY

Daddy: IT WAS SCARY SHUT UP

Baby boy: I love you like you are...a dumbass

Daddy: idk how to react to this u said you loved me but also im a dumbass

The man: just say you love him too and go

Daddy: I LOVE U TOO HIJIKATA

Daddy: I would literally die for you

The man: we know you say this every single day

Baby boy: its not enough

Baby boy: say it more

Daddy: I LOVE UUU

Daddy: i would take a bullet for you

Daddy: youre my fucking cinnamon apple

Baby boy: me too...

Baby boy: i would travel the whole world to see youre face

The man: your*

Daddy: WAY TO RUIN A MOMENT

Baby boy: i love you so much you dont even know

Daddy: i am legitimately ugly crying right now

Daddy: I want to kiss you so bad right now???

Baby boy: ALREADY ON MY WAY

Daddy: FUCKKK I LOVE YOU

Baby boy: I DO MORE

Daddy: WRONG I DO MORE

The man: my love for pizza rolls is stronger stfu

Daddy: stop being bitter for once in yo life

The man: stop rubbing your endless love in my face for once in yo life

Baby boy: zura we love you too do not worry

Daddy: "we" does not include me

The man: the sentiment is mutual

Daddy: good

The man: good

Baby boy: :(

* * *

 

Takasubi: im so. tired of yalls ugly asses

Queen™: what did we do this time

Takasubi: not you.

Takasubi: gintoki and hijikata

Takasubi: i cant do this anymore

Takasubi: they just posted on instagram

Takasubi: a picture of them kissing

Takasubi: THEYRE SO SAPPY I HATE THEM

Queen™: I SAW THEY ARE SO CUTE

Takasubi: why did we ever ship them to start with

Takasubi: we created monsters...

Queen™: stfu they are the cutest couple out there i hope they’ll get married soon

Takasubi: SOON??

Takasubi: they havent been together for a year yet calm down...

Queen™: you never know with them

Queen™: you gotta keep an eye out

Takasubi: if im not either of them’s best man im going to riot

Queen™: ME TOO

Takasubi: it’s settled, the marriage is scheduled next week

Queen™: GOOD

* * *

 

Daddy: wtf we arent getting married

Daddy: yet

Daddy: i hope

* * *

 

Queen™: TAKASUGI SHINSUKE

Queen™: YOU FUCKEN BITCH ASS ANSWER ME RIGJT NOW YOUNG MAN

Mum~: she’s so angry right now i advise you come online soon

Daddy: what he do

Mum~: you dont want to know

Daddy: HUM YESS WTF

The man: holy shit what did Takasugi do to piss her off

Daddy: i have never seen Kagura angry at Sugi

Daddy: like ever

The man: IM LOVING IT

Queen™: this fucking guy im gonna pop all his joints

Queen™: break his legs

Queen™: and bash his head in

Daddy: kagura being angry at sugi rt your kink

The man: I KNOW RIGHT

The man: i was straight for a second there

Mum~: she was threatening him and yall...

Mum~: nvm this isnt even surprising anymore

Daddy: WHAT HE DO SPILL

Mum~: its not even that big of a deal

Queen™: EXCUSE ME?

Mum~: they could’ve just gone for a friendly outing like coffee

Mum~: in a friendship way

Mum~: friends

Mum~: platonic

Queen™: theres literally no way

Queen™: this bitch is up to something

Mum~: like what?

Queen™: CORRUPTION

Mum~: youre crazy

The man: wtf

Daddy: i dont understand whats happening

The man: tell us perhaps...

Mum~: basically we just walked by Takasugi

Daddy: ok???? so

Mum~: let me finish headass

Mum~: and he was with guy

Mum~: kamui

Daddy: HE WHAT

The man: what...the..fuvk

Daddy: NO I REFUSE

Daddy: SUGI COME ONLINE RIGHT THIS SECOND

The man: I CANT BELIEVE YOU’D DO THIS?

Queen™: i knew i wasnt being dramatic

Mum~ this means nothing stop freaking out

Mum~: theyre just friends maybe

Dadd: theres no way

Daddy: im gonna beat his ass

Mum~: wait for him to explain himself before...

The man: okay alright

Daddy: still gonna beat his ass

* * *

 

Takasubi: hum hi

Baby boy: run

Baby boy: run while you still can

Baby boy: your life is on the line

Takasubi: if death is my destiny than let me have it

Takasubi: kamui and I are not going out together

Mum~: see! Told you

Takasubi: ...yet

Mum~: oops

Queen™: YOURE DEAD MEAT

Takasubi: WHAT IS IT TO YOU

Queen™: WHAT IF YOU BREAK HIS HEART

Queen™: KAMUI IS REALLY FRAGILE

Takasubi: omg shut up i dont even think he’s gay anyway

Takasubi: this will never happen

Mum~: now you made him sad

Queen™: sugi:(

Queen™: its okay im sorry:(

Mum~: the mood changed so quickly wtf

Baby boy: aww so supportive even through conflict,..

Baby boy: sugi you’ll find someone dont worry:(

Takasubi: thanks

Queen™: ily

Takasubi: me too

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking about dropping Takazura and turn it to Takamui bc this ship keeps me alive...still deciding tho


	24. Forgetful day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SAKAMOTO SWEETIE...IM SO SORRY AN UGLY ASS BITCH LIKE ME WOULD EVEN FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY 
> 
> I mean im in time since its the 15th but i still forgot and was reminded by tumblr...cant believe im a fake gintama stan

Baby boy: morning:)

Daddy: i love you

Takasubi: HE JUST SAID MORNING STFU

Daddy: still love him with my whole ass heart

Baby boy: the CUTEST BABY

Daddy: we been know youre a cutie Hiji

Baby boy: SHUT UP im talking about you

Daddy: that is IT!

Daddy: I have just about had it!

Baby boy: what I do:(

Daddy: im coming the fuck over to kiss you

Daddy: and hug you

Daddy: and shower you with compliments

Baby boy: IM WAITING

Daddy: BOI I RAN

Takasubi: im so alone

* * *

 

The man: uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The man: guy s

The man: any of yall knew today is Sakamoto’s birthday

Queen™: ITS WHAT NOW

The man: SAKAMOTO’S BIRTHDAY

Queen™: HOW DO YOU KNOW

The man: mutsu texted me

The man: she said he is still sleeping tho

The man: WE HAVE TIME TO PREPARE SOMETHING

Queen™: WHAT WE DO

Mum~: y’all know he’s going to read this right

Mum~: he’ll know youre assholes who forgot his birthday

Queen™: i didn’t even know he had a birthday?????

The man: me neither?! He shoulda warned us

Mum~: sorry to break it to you...but everyone has a birthday

Queen™: you think you’re smarter than us?

Mum~: yeah definitely!

Mum~: i mean both of your brains joined together doesn’t even reach my intelligence

Daddy: IM WHEEZING

Queen™: you stfu

Daddy: at least i knew Sakamoto has a birthday dumbass!

Queen™: did you know it’s today tho?

Daddy: I did

Baby boy: false

Baby boy: he just turned to me and asked if it was really

Daddy: WHY WOULD YOU TELL THEM

Baby boy: i dont like lying

Daddy: they are my lies why do u worry

Baby boy: i dont like u lying either

Daddy: fair

The man: yall stfu we need to do something for sakamoto

Baby boy: well since im a good boy and knew this would happen, I have already planned something

Daddy: you knew his birth date

Baby boy: yeah he told us like back in august or something

Daddy: I swear to god your memory is too superior

Baby boy: i dont like forgetting things

The man: what are we doing then

Queen™: i hope it involves alcohol

Mum~: i hope it doesn’t

Mum~: im still recovering from your birthday party

Queen™: i wasnt even drunk

Mum~: you drank 6 bottles, passed out, downed 4 shooters, passed out again, woke up, threw up all over the dog and passed out for good

Mum~: how is THAT not being drunk

Queen™: idk you tell me

Mum~: i’m

Daddy: CAN WE LIKE

Daddy: LET HIJIKATA TALK

Mum~: sure

Baby boy: i rented a bowling place we going to party there

Daddy: UGGGGH I LOVE BOWLING I LOVE U

Queen™: damn y’alls do that for sakamoto but for me we just drank at gintoki’s place

Daddy: who cares stop complaining

Mum~: plus youre the one who said to just drink somewhere

Queen™: i hate you

* * *

 

Sakamoto: why are you my friends

Queen™: SAKAMOTO HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Daddy: WE LOVE U SAKAMOTO HIHI

Mum~: lmao

Mum~: happy birthday

The man: SAKAMOTO I HATE U BUT STILL HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Takasubi: bitvh

Takasubi: happy birthday baby i swear we didnt mean to forget

Baby boy: i dont usually brag but I did remember, happy birthday sakamoto i hope you have a good day

Sakamoto: thank you i forgive you all

Sakamoto: just bc i love you and were going bowling

Daddy: hyped

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter up this weekend!


	25. Bowling is hard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is short...but hear me out...I’ve been caught up with college and finals are barely in a week so updates might be really slow or short like this...forgive me I’ll be back stronger than ever soon;-;

Baby boy: the video of Sakamoto literally destroying the whole roof of the bowling place is going viral on youtube

Baby boy: #2 on trending

Daddy: KDKSJSKSOS

Takasubi: dont make me laugh again my abs still hurt

The man: it’s been 3 days

Takasubi: i never laughed this hard in my entire life

Daddy: IT WAS SOOO FUNNY

The man: i cant believe we caught this wild shit on camera

Baby boy: i filmed at the right moment i love myself

Daddy: YES BABY

Daddy: praise yourself more it turns me on

The man: STFU EW

Sakamoto: we got banned FOREVER

Sakamoto: they have our photos hanged at the front door like were some criminals

Daddy: ok but it was soooo worth it

Takasubi: sakamoto YOU destroyed the roof with a WHOLE ASS bowling ball

The man: and we laughed so hard we couldnt do anything

The man: the boss was so angry ldksksksksksks

Takasubi: IM LAUGHING AGAIN

The man: Sakamoto...thank you for this memorable night

Daddy: im kinda sad i wont be able to go bowling anymore

The man: just go to the one on the other side of town

Daddy: RIGHT

Daddy: lets not bring Sakamoto next time tho

Sakamoto: WHY

Sakamoto: I DIDNT DO ANYTHING

Takasubi: BITCH YOU

Sakamoto: NOT MY FAULT IF I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO PLAY

Takasubi: WHY DIDNT YOU SAY SO BEFORE

Daddy: YOU WERE SO EXCITED AND U TELLING ME U DIDNT KNOW HOW TO FUCKING PLAY

Sakamoto: I LIKE BOWLING I JUST NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO PLAY

The man: why are we screaming

Baby boy: my ears hurt

The man: youre so precious stop

Daddy: it would have been so much easier if you had told us???

Takasubi: yeah i mean we would have taught you?

Sakamoto: i was embarrassed:(

Sakamoto: i ruined everything

Sakamoto: im sorry

The man: its ok:(

Baby boy: were not even angry at you it was overall funny:(

Daddy: DONT APOLOGIZE

Daddy: we had so much fun dont apologize PLS

Takasubi: We still love you

Baby boy: yes

Daddy: lots of love

Sakamoto: youre usually so mean to me this is good:(

Sakamoto: i love it

Takasubi: wait does it make you sad for real when were mean

Daddy: SAKAMOTO

Daddy: you know were joking most of the time right:(

The man: if it makes you sad just tell us we’ll stop

The man: I DONT WANT YOU TO BE SAD

Daddy: me neither???

Sakamoto: NO IT DOESNT

Sakamoto: STOP YOURE SO SWEET I KNOW YOURE JUST PLAYING AROUND

Sakamoto: i love yall so bad

Baby boy: i love this

Baby boy: support each other’s happiness

Daddy: nothing but love

* * *

 

Queen™: real life problems here

Queen™: how do i get a job

The man: you will never succeed

The man: it takes expertise

Queen™: i have that

The man: what kinda job you want

Queen™: idk anything until ive finished my stage

Queen™: im not even paid to work atm its shitty

Queen™: and my parents are threatening to stop buying my shit

Queen™: HELP A GURL OUT

The man: i can’t believe im about to do this....

Queen™: did you find me something already???

The man: big sigh...

The man: yes i did

Queen™: BITCHHH I LOVE YOU WHAT IS IT

The man: My shop

The man: you’ll work with me

The man: my one and only employee just resigned so I guess you could do...

The man: BUT THERE ARE RULES

The man: and the pay isnt that great

The man: and there’s a uniform

The man: (((its only an apron but still))))

Queen™: you would do this for me Zura?

Queen™: YOU’LL LET ME WORK FOR YOU?

The man: YES

Queen™: i love you so much

The man: me too baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I was funny? Lmao me neither


	26. Love is complicated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back...I hope you all had a merry Christmas and spent quality time with your loved ones! 
> 
> The past few weeks were quite hard and I hope you all took good care of yourselves. Gentle reminder that you can all always dm me on twitter or tumblr if you ever need someone to talk to. It’ll be a great pleasure to help/listen to any of you. 
> 
> Enjoy!!

Daddy: real intellectual hours here

Daddy: do yall pronounce gc as group chat

Daddy: or gee-cee

Queen™: who tf says the whole thing...gee-cee obviously

Sakamoto: sorry bitch but normal people say group chat

Takasubi: i agree with the dumbass for once

Sakamoto: rude

Daddy: i say gee-cee

Daddy: its shorter

Daddy: you have to say group chat if you want to read it as group chat but if youre sent gc you cant read group chat that doesnt make sense you have to say gee-cee bc its whats written you know

Queen™: youre the one who doesn’t make any sense?

Takasubi: what are you on

Daddy: many alcohols

Daddy: i drown my sadness in vodka

Takasubi: bitch are u okay you dont even like vodka

Sakamoto: he wild

Daddy: idk I’m just a sad

Queen™: BABE im calling Hijikata

Daddy: huuuuhhhh pls

Daddy: I miss him

Sakamoto: we all saw each other at christmas like three days ago

Takasubi: yeah

Daddy: i always miss him

Daddy: I miss him 24/7

Daddy: even when im with him i know he’ll leave later so I miss him ahead of time

Queen™: thats cute and sad at the same time

Takasubi: ever thought of moving in together?

Daddy: i have

Daddy: but i dont think Hijikata’s ready for that yet

Daddy: heS a little independent compared to me yknow

Daddy: he doesnt need to see me all the time

Sakamoto: :(

Sakamoto: dont be sad bc of that he loves you very much

Takasubi: yeah he’s literally always talking about you to everyone ever

Takasubi: he never stops its annoying lowkey

Daddy: thx

Takasubi: youre welcome?

Daddy: i’ll wait for my love and go to sleep night everyone

Takasubi: night take care of yourself :(

Sakamoto: if you need to talk we here bb

Queen™: love youuuuu

* * *

 

Takasubi: since we were on the subject yesterday lemme say this

The man: what subject

Takasubi: love, relationships, etc

The man: is this about Kamui

Takasubi: yeah how did you know

The man: i dont wanna hear it goodbye

Takasubi: why are you so fucking mean

The man: idk you tell me

The man: you’ve been ignoring me a lot since y’all started hanging out

The man: so let me be upset if i goddamn want to

Takasubi: youre so childish and...and

Takasubi: jealous! Youre jealous, Zura

The man: I am not? Youre supposed to be my best friend, fucking act like it

Takasubi: I do! You’re getting angry for no reason

The man: when was the last time we hung out just the two of us?

Takasubi: idk?

The man: exactly! Its been weeks

The man: i look like boo boo the fool waiting for you all the time

The man: Youre interested in Kamui arent you?

Takasubi: No

The man: and now youre lying to me?

The man: wow

Takasubi: im not interested in him wtf

The man: you are and its so obvious, you spend too much time with him

The man: you two are going out together right?

The man: going on dates and everything!

Takasubi: were not!

The man: prove it

Takasubi: Kamui is aromantic!!!!!

Takasubi: he’s not interested in others romantically!!!! This is platonic, were friends!!!!

Takasubi: get that in your fucking head you dumbass

The man: im

The man: He

The man: im so sorry?

The man: I JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS AND IM SORRY

The man: sorry if I was rude

The man: i really am boo boo the fool

Takasubi: i cant believe this

The man: but you were spending so much time together and you look so happy when you talk about him

Takasubi: bc he’s a good friend!

Takasubi: he helps me a lot with this problem I have

The man: what problem?

Takasubi: admit you were jealous and I might tell you

The man: never

Takasubi: then you won’t know

The man: good

Takasubi: good

* * *

 

Queen™: so no one’s gonna talk about this?

Queen™: we’re all gonna ignore this fight?

Queen™: ITS BEEN TWO DAYS WHY ISNT ANYONE TALKING

Baby boy: idk i feel an awkward aura

Baby boy: doesn’t inspire much conversation

Baby boy: i feel like if I instigated conversation I’d get killed

Mum~: me too the fuck

Queen™: i totally get it but

Queen™: this needs to be talked about

Queen™: First of all I didn’t even know Kamui is aro

Queen™: this bitchass

Queen™: I ALWAYS TRIED TO MATCH HIM WITH EVERYONE

Queen™: i feel bad now he must have felt so uncomfortable

Queen™: I tried to push into romantic relationships all the damn time

Queen™: I NEED TO APOLOGIZE

Baby boy: maybe he discovered he was aro not long ago

Mum~: nah he been knew for a whole ass while

Baby boy: did you know

Baby boy: and why are you suddenly talking like stan twitter

Mum~: bc my character is hard to keep up with and miss jenn cant do it

Baby boy: aight

Queen™: how did you know and not I, his sister

Mum~: bc he told me like years ago

Queen™: wow the disrespect

Baby boy: he trusted you thats good

Mum~: he kinda let it slip when he was drunk

Mum~: he made me promise to not tell bc he thought no one’d understand him if yall knew

Queen™: im going to cry? HE THOUGHT I WOULDNT UNDERSTAND

Queen™: i understand very well

Queen™: once he gets home I’m showering him with love, support and apologies

Mum~: good

Baby boy: onto the next topic

Baby boy: takazura

Mum~: Zura just needs to confess he’s jealous I mean im curious too now

Baby boy: same...

Queen™: @the man wake up

Queen™: say youre jealous

The man: never

Baby boy: why

The man: my pride cannot take this blow

Mum~: c’mon man

Queen™: @takasubi you there

Takasubi: always

Mum~: zura just admit it we all know

Queen™: yeah stop being a coward!

The man: FINE

The man: yeah I was and still am jealous, who wouldn’t be

Queen™: wasn’t difficult, was it now?

The man: fuck you

Mum~: young man

The man: im older than you

Mum~: i’m your mum!

The man: fair

Takasubi: thank you for being mature and admitting to your childish actions

Baby boy: so you gonna tell us your problem or...

Takasubi: sure

Takasubi: the problem was that I love someone really a lot and I didn’t know how to tell the person

Takasubi: bc I didn’t know if they felt the same way...

Baby boy: where does Kamui come into play here

Takasubi: he gave me advice

Takasubi: to resume the whole thing he told to just tell the person when the moment felt right

Baby boy: i dont think Zura likes this either

Baby boy: you might have just made him more jealous

Takasubi: no chance

The man: you’re a whole lot confident for someone who just made me mad, right at this moment

Takasubi: hey dumbass

The man: HOW DARE Y

Takasubi: I love you

Takasubi: I really love you lots, more than as a best friend

Takasubi: got that?

Queen™: OH MY GOD

Queen™: I CANT

Queen™: ThIS IS HAPPENING

Baby boy: WHAT IS ZURA GOING TO ANSWER

Baby boy: IS THIS LOVE MUTUAL

Mum~: shut up omg y’all act like we dont see what you write

Takasubi: so?

The man: I MEAN

The man: I

The man: you

The man: I’M

Queen™: aw this is highkey cute

The man: I LOVE YOU TOO?

The man: I ALWAYS TELL YOU

The man: I NEVER MEANT IT PLATONICALLY

Takasubi: YOURE SO CUTE

Takasubi: I LOVE YOU??????

The man: I LOVE YOU MORE!!!!!!

The man: DOES THIS MEAN I CAN KISS YOU WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY NOW

Takasubi: IT SURE AS HELL DOES

The man: I CANT BELIEVE

Queen™: zura the eternal single is in a relationship!

Mum~: proud of my son

Baby boy: did you see my wig? Did you see my wig? It’s hella flying and its hella gone

Queen™: im gonna beat your ass

The man: i laughed

Takasubi: anyway right now im with Kamui giggling like a dumb bitch

Takasubi: LEMME FINISH MY COFFEE AND IM COMING OVER

The man: IM WAITING!!!

Queen™: everything ended well in the end

Baby boy: were couple counsellors...

Queen™: LOWKEY OMG

The man: shut up and dont forget to come in to work Kags

Queen™: i hate this job

The man: too bad

Baby boy: have a good time with flowers

Queen™: im going to shove a sunflower up your ass

The man: we don’t have those in the winter

Queen™: i HATE my life

The man: bouhou like the rest of us

The man: see you

Baby boy: bye!

Queen™: wheres the gun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miss jenn is me by the way lmaoo and I thought Takazura deserved to sail, FINALLY! Kamui is aro, big headcanon here...
> 
> We’re almost at 3000 hits and 200 kudos which is the most I’ve ever gotten on a fic this is!!!! Thank you everyone for the huge support on this stupid fic djdjdmdmdk
> 
>  
> 
> Next chapter will be (hopefully) up in the next week!


	27. Soft hours have begun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN I KNOW I UPDATED LIKE TWO DAYS AGO BUT I was so excited about this chapter!!!!! I needed to post right away!!!! 
> 
> I hope you all love this LOVED filled chapter...

Daddy: WHATS UP LOSERS

Takasubi: strangely this is one of the softest greetings you ever gave us

Daddy: being in a relationship doesnt give you the right to be an asshole

Takasubi: SAYS THE MAN WHO IS NOTHING BUT AN ASSHOLE

Daddy: FUCK OFF

Takasubi: FUCK OFF YOURSELF

Baby boy: can we literally have one single conversation without fighting ever

Takasubi: im sorry baby he provoked me

Daddy: get your dirty hands off my mans

Takasubi: i dont even want your man i have one for myself

Baby boy: ok wtf fuck u sugi

Daddy: YOU HURT HIM CONGRATS

Daddy: I HOPE YOURE PROUD OF YOURSELF

Takasubi: YEAH I AM

Baby boy: i’ll smash your whole ass face into asphalt

Takasubi: zura come defend your boyfriend im defenceless against them

The man: fuck you im eating

Daddy: JSJSJSJSJS

Baby boy: nothing changed as I can see

Baby boy: all back to normal

Takasubi: wow okay i get it

Takasubi: love being single

The man: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh FINE

The man: leave him alone or im boutta tell you how we have sex

Daddy: EEEEW BEST ARGUMENT EVER YOU WIN

Baby boy: NDJSOZIW

Daddy: I bet they have gross freaky sex since theyre both psychos

The man: DO YOU WANT DETAILS

Baby boy: NO

Daddy: SPARE US PLS

The man: then shut up

Daddy: thats what I been doing

Takasubi: thx fat ass

Baby boy: huh did you just call gintoki fat ass........

The man: no he was talking to me

Daddy: ?????!!!3$2$2!!?

Daddy: WHY WOULD YOU CALL HIM THAT

Takasubi: its a couple nickname

Daddy: BITCH HAVE I EVER CALLED HIJIKATA FAT ASS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT

The man: wait till you hear what I call him AH

Baby boy: please do not

The man: emokinker69

Baby boy: what does this EVEN mean

The man: its his porn blog url

Daddy: IM CNDKEKEKEKW

Daddy: YOU DONT ACTUALLY SAY THAT ALOUD RIGHT

The man: I SURE AS HELL DO

The man: even in public

Daddy: THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING

Daddy: yall disgusting

Baby boy: am leaving

Daddy: me too the fuck

Takasubi: why did you tell them

The man: ITS FUNNY

Takasubi: fight me (ง •̀_•́)ง

The man: alright damn ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Takasubi: SHUT UPPPP

The man: LMAOO

* * *

 

Sakamoto: I HAVE BIG BIG NEWS

Sakamoto: I DONT THINK YOURE READY TO HEAR IT

Queen™: WHAT!!!!

Sakamoto: I HAVE, IN FACT TWO BIG NEWS

Mum~: just tell us and go

Queen™: GO

Sakamoto: FIRST OF ALL I FINALLY GRADUATED UNI

Sakamoto: LIKE THIS WAS THE LAST SEMESTER AND I PASSED ALL MY EXAMS!!!!!

Queen™: BITCH DODOSKEK

Queen™: OMGGGG IM SCREAMING IM SO PROUD OF YOU TF

Queen™: YOU DID IT BABY YOU DID

Mum~: wow congrats I didn’t think it was possible

Mum~: we all lost hope at some point but here we are!

Mum~: you beat the shit out of uni

Queen™: took him like 2 more years than usual but still!!!! Did it!!!

Queen™: THIS IS HUGE WE HAVE TO CELEBRATE

The man: OKAY WHAT THE HELL

The man: this is super good news!!!!

The man: 2017 was your year

Sakamoto: WAIT THE BEST IS TO COME

Queen™: wth what could be better than THIS

Mum~: idk but i dont trust him...

Sakamoto: so you know me and Mutsu have been together for almost a year

Sakamoto: but we were always best friend for like 10 years+ maybe

The man: yeah?

Queen™: DID YALL BREAK UP NOOOO

Sakamoto: wait

Sakamoto: so when I failed to graduate for the second time (like 2 years ago?) she and I made a promise

Sakamoto: as total best friend but also bc we knew we loved each other already

The man: GET TO THE POINT ALREADY

Queen™: TAKE YOUR TIME this is lowkey cute

Sakamoto: she promised she’d marry me once I finally graduate

Sakamoto: so...

Queen™: OMFHDJSJEKEKEKE

Queen™: PLS PLS PLSPLS TELL ME I UNDERSTOOD CORRECTLY

Sakamoto: WERE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!

The man: BITCHHHSSJJS

The man: IM FUCKIG CRYING REAL TEARS RN

Mum~: this is SO unexpected what the fuck

Queen™: THIS IS THE BEST NEWS IVE EVER RECEIVED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

Queen™: MY HEART IS ABOUT TO BURST OUT OF MY CHEST

Queen™: IM SO SOS O SO HAPPY FOR YOU

The man: SAKAMOTO IS GETTING MARRIED EVERYONE WAKE THE FUCK UP

Daddy: I JUST GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER AND I SEE THIS

Daddy: IM SERIOUSLY SO HAPPY?

Daddy: I NEVER THOUGHT SAKAMOTO WOULD BE THE FIRST ONE TO BE MARRIED

Sakamoto: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE ILYYYY

Queen™: ILY MORE WHAT THE HELL

Daddy: SAKAMOTO I dont even know what to say this is just the best thing you couldve ever told us

Daddy: You deserve each other so much youre perfect for each other and you love each other so bad this is!!!!!

Daddy: truly a blessing

Queen™: i cant believe this is happening

Queen™: im a grown ass woman crying over someone else’s engagement

The man: IM A GROWN ASS MAN CRYING OVER SOMEONE ELSE’S ENGAGEMENT

Daddy: ME TOO

Daddy: and im not ashamed to say im crying bc i can cry all I want bitch!!!

Queen™: YES KING

Sakamoto: yall making me cry too

Sakamoto: i hope you can all come to the wedding and be my best men T.T

Daddy: THIS ISNT EVEN A QUESTION OFC!!!!

The man: there is no way im missing this

Mum~: me neither im really happy for you, you deserve it

Mum~: you worked hard to graduate and have found the one and thats all that matters

Sakamoto: hearing from Sougo makes me cry even HARDER STOP

Queen™: WHAT ABOUT ME

Sakamoto: ever thought that one day you’d be a bridesmaid?

Sakamoto: BC MUTSU IS HYPED TO HAVE YOU AS ONE

Queen™: MY TEARS

Queen™: THEY WONT STOP

Queen™: MUTSU IS LITERALLY MY QUEEN, MY ROLE MODEL, MY PLATONIC SOULMATE

Queen™: this is a huge honour i love you both to the moon and back

Daddy: me toooooo

The man: Sakamoto let’s go celebrate all of this at Gintoki’s place

Daddy: WHY MINE

The man: bc you have the biggest one

Daddy: FINE

Sakamoto: yeahhhhhhh

Queen™: DONT FORGET MUTSU

Sakamoto: NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS

The man: Imma call the others!!

Mum~: see y’all

Daddy: <3<3<3<3

* * *

 

Baby boy: im sorry i couldn’t come yesterday!!

Baby boy: BUT SAKAMOTO

Baby boy: I LOVE YOU AND IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU

Baby boy: these are two great great news and i feel really proud

Baby boy: I hope you two will remain happy for the longest time

* * *

 

Takasubi: I LOVE MY SUPPORTIVE FAMILY

Takasubi: A.K.A SUP BITCHES GC

Sakamoto: me too

Takasubi: more than anything i want you all to have a happy life and lots of love and sex

Takasubi: youre my only reasons to be and without you all idk where i would even be rn

Takasubi: THIS IS SOFT HOURS NO ONE DISTURB ME

Takasubi: youre all my soulmates deep down and I hope you all know I LOVE YOU

Sakamoto: I LOVE YOU TOO A LOT AND EVERYONE

Sakamoto: i hope this group chat survives thru our whole lives and we stay friends forever

Sakamoto: after Mutsu, youre the best things that happened to me

Takasubi: binch im crying rn

Sakamoto: me too

Sakamoto: the past few days were emotional and full of events!!!

Sakamoto: im really happy at the moment

Takasubi: im really fucking glad to hear that

Takasubi: stay happy forever

Sakamoto: YOU TOO

Takasubi: LOVE YOU

Sakamoto: ME MORE

Takasubi: false

Sakamoto: truth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BABES 
> 
> I will not post tomorrow so here...Happy early new year! 2017 was personally a really hard year, and for a lot of other people too...if you’re one of these people who’s had it rough, I hope 2018 is going to be gentle with you. I wish you all happiness, love, health and good memories for 2018! Love you all a lot


	28. H-hewwo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SOS ORRY I WAS GONE FOR LIKE A MONTH NDNDNS college started back and im working 2 jobs so we out there tryna survive . first post of 2018 i hope youre all doing fucking great and if not i love u all everything’s gonna be alright i promise<3 
> 
> Anywy welcome back to the shitpost that goes thru my mind

Daddy: im making a poll

Daddy: scream virgin if Hiji’s house is better

Daddy: and scream blackpink is the gg of our generation if you think mine’s better

Baby boy: THATS CHEATING

Daddy: it is not

Queen™: BLACKPINK IS THE GG OF OUR GENERATION

Baby boy: YOU JUST SAID THAT BC YOU AGREE WITH THE STATEMENT

Queen™: so what

Mum~: VIRGIN

Queen™: LOL you never had sex?

Mum~: girl...

Queen™: was I your first time

Queen™: OH MY

Mum~: I don’t know what the point of talking to you is anymore

Mum~: i really dont

Takasubi: BLACKPINK IS THE GG OR OUR GENERATION

Takasubi: and im saying it bc both statements are true

Takasubi: first blackpink are legends

Takasubi: second Gintoki’s house is better

Takasubi: and Zura says the same as me

Baby boy: you’ve never been to my house

Takasubi: SO WHAT

Takasubi: i just know yours can’t beat gintoki’s

Takasubi: his house is literally a castle

Queen™: the privileged always get big ass houses....

Baby boy: Gintoki is broke wdym privileged

Queen™: bitch.............

Takasubi: GINTOKI? POOR? ARE WE TALKING ABT THE SAME PERSON

Daddy: I DARE you to tell him

Mum~: youre not scary

Mum~: youre the hugest softie i know

Daddy: SHUT UPPPP

Queen™: Gintoki’s mum is a CEO and she’s fucking rich

Queen™: so is Gintoki

Queen™: because he is P R I V I L E G E D

Queen™: you make so much fucking money at your bookstores

Queen™: LIKE HE OWNS 5 OF THEM THROUGHOUT TOKYO

Mum~: and he makes a shit ton of money

Takasubi: and when we say SHIT TON its facts only

Baby boy: why is this the first time I hear about this

Baby boy: YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME YOU WERE BROKE AND POOR????

Takasubi: bitch dont play dumb you must have known something just by seeing his huge ass house...

Baby boy: i mean

Baby boy: yeah i had suspicions

Daddy: IM SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU ABT MY FORTUNE

Daddy: i didnt want you to see me...as a rich guy

Daddy: AND i was scared you’d love me for my money only...

Daddy: bc that happened a lot in the past

Daddy: iwas v scared

Daddy: im sorry:(

Takasubi: stoppp i just remembered how many times we had to pick you up from all these breakups:(

Queen™: these fucking gold diggers

Queen™: I witnessed Gintoki crying way too many times bc of these manipulating bitches

Daddy: im so sad thinking abt it lmao i really got fcked up many times

Baby boy: BABY

Baby boy: SWEETS I

Baby boy: i hope that you know that the fact that you are rich doesn’t change a damn thing

Baby boy: I love you so much and thats for who you are, you know that right?

Baby boy: even if you were broke, rich, living in the street or in a mansion, I’d still love you the same

Baby boy: the fact that you have money will never change my feelings for you

Baby boy: i love you baby dont apologize:(

Baby boy: i’ll never break your heart like that!!!!!!

Daddy: every time Hijikata talks i cry

Daddy: you’re the sweetest baby in the world

Daddy: i would die for you

Daddy: i love you so much

Daddy: SO SOSOSO MUCH

Daddy: I KNOW YOU DONT LOVE ME FOR MONEY I KNOW!!!!

Daddy: thats why youre the love of my life!!!! My fucking cinnamon roll!!!!

Takasubi: i hate them

Queen™: THEYRE SO CUTE

Baby boy: NDJDKSKSJ

Baby boy: ILOVEY OU

Daddy: am in love with you Hijikata

Baby boy: me too so bad <3333

Daddy: COME OVER

Baby boy: already On my way!

Takasubi: they’re gonna have sex

Queen™: i hate you

Takasubi: thx

* * *

 

The man: YALLS SKDKKDKSKSKSWKW

The man: I CANRNEKRKDK

The man: PLS HELEPDPE

The man: IMF UCKING DYNG

Sakamoto: why are you so LOUD

The man: I JUST SAW A KID BITE A BIRD

The man: A WHOLE ASS BIRD DJDKEKEKEKEKKE

The man: MY LUNGSS SNENDND

The man: im GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST

Sakamoto: wtf

Sakamoto: link me up

The man: https://twitter.com/hoseoks_twt/status/905509160078503936

The man: I BET HE THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE A CHICKENE DJDKEKE

Sakamoto: BITCH WTF

Sakamoto: I HATE KIDS SO BAD

Sakamoto: that poor bird

Sakamoto: FUCIING STOP

Sakamoto: If i was his mum i would’ve beat his ass

The man: shu up

The man: kids are really demons

The man: this is irl proof

Sakamoto: dont share these anymore i swear i’ll cry

The man: KSKSKSKSOS sorry

* * *

 

Sakamoto: it’s been a week and that video stills haunts my every movement

Sakamoto: i can’t live a normal life anymore

The man: NDOSOSKSOW IM SORRY

The man: i just wanted to share the video of the century with yalls ugly asses

The man: btw talking about uglies, i heard a rumour that Takasugi got plastic surgery

Sakamoto: did you start that rumour

The man: how dare you

The man: yes I did

Takasubi: BITCH IT WAS YOU

Takasubi: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

Takasubi: FUCKING HELL PEOPLE WONT STOP ASKING ME NOW

The man: KSKSOSJSOS IM SORRY

The man: i did it bc you deserve it

The man: I FOUND PICTURES OF US WHEN WE WERE KIDS

The man: and you were soooooo damn ugly jts crazy

The man: HOW can you grow into this beautiful man

The man: its impossible

The man: so im sure you got plastic surgery or something

Takasubi: I HATE YOUUUU SO MUCH

Takasubi: first of all i was not that ugly

Takasubi: second of all fuck you

Takasubi: third of all why did you tell everyone we know ever i got surgery

Takasubi: fourth of all I NEVER GOT PLASTIC SURGERY

The man: THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE GLOW UP

Takasubi: SKIN CARE, WORKING OUT, HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

Takasubi: puberty

The man: man fuck me

Sakamoto: wait

Sakamoto: did you mean fuck you

The man: nah i meant fuck ME

Takasubi: oh

Takasubi: i hate you still

The man: me too baby

Sakamoto: i will truly never understand you

* * *

 

Queen™: h-hewwo

Queen™: anywone wanna gwive me mwoney

Daddy: why are you always asking for money

Daddy: there is not a day where you dont ask for some

Queen™: pwease

Queen™: im gwonna dwie

Daddy: uwu

Daddy: im sowwy

Daddy: i’ll gwive you swome mwoney

Queen™: uwu thwank ywou ma good sir

Mum~: FUCK SHUT UP

Mum~: SHUT UP SHUT UP

Mum~: MY HEAD’S GONNA EXPLODE

Mum~: SHUT UPPPP

Queen™: NDKSKSOWKS


	29. Pranked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gone for a month yet again. this is becoming a regular thing mfmfmdme

The man: you know what we judge dogs because they sniff each other’s butts

The man: but are we truly better if we condone ass eating?

The man: i dont think so

Daddy: did Sugi ask you to eat his ass again

The man: YES HE WONT STOP

The man: how did u know

Daddy: youre usually weird but not that weird

Daddy: why are you so against eating ass idgi

The man: WHY ARE YOU FOR IT

Daddy: me and hijikata love the feel of it

The man: Hijikata and I*

Daddy: man fuck you

The man: AND EWWW WTF

Daddy: youve never even tried it so jot that down mister

Daddy: i swear YOU have the weirdest kinks and you come in here and try to disrespect us like that?

The man: NO BUT LIKE imagine eating a whole ass butthole  
  
The man: IM GOING TO VOMIT

The man: its...dirty

Daddy: so is your dick

The man: YOU

The man: YOU DARE

The man: this is the worst roast ive ever gotten

Daddy: good

Daddy: its what you deserve

The man: grrr

Daddy: ANYWAY JUST FUCKING TRY IT ONCE!!!!

Daddy: and if you really hate it then I’ll respect your decision

Daddy: its like eating broccoli...

Daddy: its better than you expect

The man: i hate broccoli

Daddy: forget i ever said that then

The man: JNSMSSKKS

The man: okay okay i’ll try it bitch

Daddy: i hope Sugi thanks me later for my hard work

The man: fuck off

Daddy: have a great meal

The man: SHUT UPP

* * *

 

Baby boy: THIS IS SO NSFW

Baby boy: tag your porn

Baby boy: some of us have young eyes

Baby boy: and by that I mean Sakamoto

Sakamoto: fuck off

* * *

 

_Mum~ has left the conversation._

The man: WHAT

Daddy: he thinks he can just do whatever he wants....

_Daddy added Mum~ to the conversation._

_Mum~ has left the conversation._

Daddy: WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM

The man: is he like,,,okay

Daddy: kagura

Daddy: kags

Daddy: kagura

Daddy: kagura

The man: KAGURA

Queen™: what.

Queen™: do.

Queen™: you.

Queen™: want.

Daddy: calm down there...

The man: whats Sougo’s problem?

Daddy: youre his gf im sure you know

Queen™: dont call me that

The man: what, girlfriend?

Queen™: exactly.

Daddy: BABY WHAT

The man: WTF

Baby boy: WHOM DO I NEED TO SLAP

Daddy: what is this fuckery

Queen™: idk i just know i’ve been laying in bed for a week now and i didnt eat anything for days or showered

Queen™: i even tried holding my breathe so that maybe it’d hurt less

Daddy: im deadass crying rn

Daddy: what haPPENED

The man: man did Sougo hurt you this fucking asshole

Baby boy: im gonna beat his ASS

Queen™: according to him it’s just a break bc he needs to figure out some things alone

Queen™: and he just told me that before he left and its been a week

Queen™: i guess he left the gc because he felt awkward

The man: here I am, fists held high, ready to punch his pretty face

Daddy: listen...I WILL strangle the life out of him. i’m not here to play

The man: his fucking bitch ass

_[Private conversation between Queen™ and Mum~]_

Mum~: they want to beat ME UP

Queen™: ITS SO FUNNY FMDMEMSM

Queen™: why are they buying our bullshit like this

Mum~: im such a bad actor im sure if I had stayed they’d know by now

Queen™: how can you be a bad actor thru the internet

Mum~: thats how bad I am

Queen™: shut up cjdjdjsjsjjs

Mum~: the joke’s funny and all

Mum~: but I hope you know i love you

Mum~: like a lot

Mum~: and i would never hurt you like that

Queen™: why are you the sweetest BABY in the world

Queen™: soft hours [OPEN] for you and for you ONLY .

Queen™: i love you so much words can never describe the extend of it

Queen™: its bigger than the entire universe and beyond

Mum~: shutup am gonna cry

Mum~: lets get some dinner

Queen™: YAYY DINNER

Queen™: i love you even MORE now

Mum~: shut up i hate you

Queen™: tsundere king

Mum~: do not ever use that word when talking about me ever ever again

Mum~: tsundere is a cursed concept

Queen™: whatsver you say

Queen™: anyway i have a question

Queen™: why do you show me love only when its the both of us

Queen™: cant you be more like takazura and hijigin

Queen™: like....scream your love at me in the gc and put cute emojis

Mum~: no

Queen™: MEANIE

Mum~: you know damn well i hate pda

Mum~: and that goes for the gc too

Mum~: i dont want them to know im soft and too in love with you

Queen™: MY HEART WAS ATTACKED JUST NOW

Queen™: bang

Queen™: bang

Mum~: do not

Queen™: BANG

Queen™: BANG BANG BANG *moves my arm like in the choreo*

Mum~: I’ll leave you for real

Queen™: okay sir i’ll stop

Mum~: stop calling me sir

Queen™: I CANT CALL YOU ANYTHING YOU ALWAYS REJECT MY PET NAMES

Mum~: JUST CALL ME SOUGO

Queen™: okay...sir sougo

Mum~: for fuck’s sake

* * *

 

The man: Kagura?

Queen™: yeah?

Takasubi: are u like...okay

Takasubi: its been two weeks.....

The man: you havent talked much

The man: were worried

Queen™: i’ll be alright

Takasubi: i’ll try adding Sougo back so we can beat his ass, ok

Queen™: sure. whatever you want

_Takasubi added Mum~ to the conversation._

The man: o he didnt leave immediately like last time

Mum~: what yall want

Takasubi: FUCK YOU SOUGO HOW DARE YOU

The man: YOU HURT OUR DAUGHTER

Mum~: lmaooo am gonna do what i WANT

The man: you heartless motherfuc....ok . calm down

Queen™: SOUGO YOU RUINED EVERYTHING

Mum~: NO THEY STILL IN IT

Queen™: you were right you truly are BAD

Takasubi: oh dont argue my heart cant handle this

The man: cant yall just go back together

The man: i loved your couple....just love each other pls

Queen™: oh

Queen™: you were right

Mum~: thank you

Queen™: im tired of all of this

Takasubi: KAGS ILY DONT KYS

The man: KAGURA NOOO DJDJSJ

Mum~: omg they really are oblivious

Queen™: i hate theeeem

The man: wait what

_Mum~ sent a photo._

Mum~: kagura, laid in my bed, laughing her ass off

Queen™: I SWEAR THEY ARE STUPID

Queen™: im such an actress. truly an iconic performance by me

Mum~: three weeks in role! Leonardo dicaprio is SHAKING

Mum~: winner of the oscars. she won everything

Queen™: i would like to thank my parents and my brother, Kamui, who taught me how to fake tears at the right moment to gain sympathy

Queen™: also sougo! who gave me support and encouragements those three weeks of hardships

Mum~: im honoured to have helped

Queen™: and who would I be without my own idiots? Thank you Gintoki, Hijikata, Katsura and Takasugi who never stopped believing in me!!!!

The man:

Takasubi:

The man: I

Takasubi: wha

The man: i hate both of you

The man: this was the last time i shkwed concerned to you Kagura.

The man: ever . mark my words

Takasubi: i fucking cried

Takasubi: I CRIED FOR YOU BITCHES AND IT WAS FAKE?

Daddy: Hijikata and I are currently adding you to our black list

Daddy: kagura i will never trust you again

Mum~: what about me?

Daddy: never trusted you from the beginning

Mum~: kdkdksksks

Queen™: but yall were cute:(

Queen™: stupid. but cute

The man: FUCK YOU

Takasubi: what he said

Daddy: pfff.

Queen™: SOUGO LOVES ME SO MUCH HE WOULD NEVER YALL STUPID

Daddy: WELL SHIT HAPPENS

Queen™: it was fun<3

The man: to you!

Takasubi: bYE

Daddy: yeah

Mum~: great work

Queen™: ily

Mum~: me too

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More okikagu was requested and so I give it to you . 
> 
> Dont be shy to request something for the fic, it’s coming to an end soon and if theres anything you want to see just tell me!!!!


	30. Ginzura’s adventures at mcdonalds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIII i love you all and this is short as all hell but uhhhhhhhh got no excuses actually

Daddy: zura and I are in jail

Daddy: _sent a photo_

Baby boy: how are u texting

Sakamoto: wtf

Daddy: brought my cellphone in secretly

Takasubi: imma tell the police yall hoes got phones in there

Daddy: what are u gonna gain from it

Sakamoto: dkkdkekskekwo

Sakamoto: how did u end up there

Takasubi: im sure they did something illegal

Daddy: WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK

Takasubi: FUCK YOU WATSON

Sakamoto: shut up omg

Sakamoto: STOP screaming at each other theyre in jail

Sakamoto: this reminds me of "kim stop taking selfies your sister’s going to jail"

Daddy: omg yes

Daddy: i cant believe im in jail AGAIN

Baby boy: again?

Daddy: yeah been in there for quite a few times now

Daddy: the chief officer knows me well we often get drinks together

Baby boy: wtf

Daddy: DONT BE JEALOUS BABY~~

Baby boy: im really not. im just disappointed in you

Daddy: o

Takasubi: damn he went off on your ass

Takasubi: maybe he snapped

Daddy: you mean maybe we snapped

Takasubi: who?

Daddy: me and zura

Sakamoto: the fuck did you do

Daddy: were in jail

Takasubi: this conversation is going nowhere are you dumb

Takasubi: he meant why are u in jail

Daddy: ahhh that makes sense

Baby boy: go on. can’t be worse than the time you hit an ambulance in a hospital’s parking lot

Daddy: erm gotta go

Baby boy: oh my god

Daddy: I SWEAR WE DIDNY KILL ANYONE

Takasubi: idk if I should trust you

Baby boy: me neither

Baby boy: im coming down to the police station and im finding out on my own to avoid any lies

Daddy: NO theyre gonna know we have a phone

Daddy: zura says hi btw

Daddy: _sent a photo_

Daddy: his hair greasy af

Takasubi: EWW HES SO UGLY

Takasubi: tell him im divorcing his ugly nasty ass

Daddy: _sent a video_

Sakamoto: STOPFLFMDMD

Takasubi: HE’S EVEN UGLIER WHEN HE CRIES TELL HIM TO STOP

Daddy: _sent a video_

Daddy: HES ON TOP OF ME TRYING TO FUCKING STEAL YHE PHONE BC I FILMED HIM CRYING

Daddy: THIS IS SUCJ AN UGLY SHOT OF HIM

Takasubi: yeah omg, also tell him to get the fuck off you

Daddy: aw thanks

Takasubi: no. i just dont want you touching him

Daddy: man this really isnt my day

Sakamoto: anyway what did you do

Sakamoto: still waiting for an answer

Daddy: huhhhhhhhh it involves mcdonalds

Takasubi: awkward silence

Daddy: SHUTUP

Daddy: the mcdonalds is empty right

Daddy: its like 2 a.m and were alone in this bitch

Daddy: we cant even see any employees

Takasubi: i really dont like where this is going ngl

Daddy: i just finished my nuggets and im still hungry but theres fucking no one

Daddy: so we went into the kitchen and baked ourselves some food

Daddy: we were fucking around but then Zura’s drunk ass went to the cash registers and pulled all the money out

Daddy: HE THREW IT IN THE AIR AND DID A SLUT DROP

Daddy: i was laughing so hard i knocked down the burning hot oil of the fryer on the ground

Daddy: next thing we know all the money is oily and were both on our asses dying

Daddy: then the police arrived with a terrified 16 year old behind them

Takasubi: FOR FUCKS SAKE

Baby boy: im disowning you

Baby boy: WHO FUCKING DOES THAT

Sakamoto: IM ALUGHIGN SO HARDE

Sakamoto: CRAZY BITCHES

Daddy: thank you sakamoto

Takasubi: this is so embarrassing

Takasubi: how are you going to get out of jail now huh

Daddy: we just gotta pay for the damages aka the ruined money and wasted oil

Daddy: and maybe the door Zura kicked the shit out of when we left

Daddy: but hey im filthy rich so who cares

Takasubi: fuck you you privileged asshole

Daddy: still gotta wait til tomorrow tho

Daddy: were spending the night in jail:(

Baby boy: GOOD

Baby boy: its what you deserve

Baby boy: i wouldve made you stay there for longer

Daddy: youre so mean:\\\\\

Baby boy: stop doing illegal shit

Daddy: i’ll try

Daddy: babe

Daddy: are you mad

Baby boy: sigh

Baby boy: i was but not much anymore

Baby boy: i mean...you were drunk so

Daddy: I LOOOVEEE YOU

Baby boy: whatever

Takasubi: tell mister katsura that i hate him

Daddy: he said he does too

Takasubi: good

Sakamoto: wish kagura was here

Sakamoto: she wouldve made this even funnier

Takasubi: you right

Takasubi: wheres this bitch

Baby boy: she talked about going on a trip with Sougo like two days ago

Baby boy: i guess theres no internet

Takasubi: they out there going on trips meanwhile my boyfriends in jail WOW

Takasubi: living the life rn

Sakamoto: stop complaining

Takasubi: EHHH YOU dont have a say in this

Takasubi: mister im marrying my girlfriend soon

Daddy: wait soon?

Baby boy: yeah the weddings like in two weeks

Daddy: BITCH WTF

Daddy: why wasnt I aware

Daddy: DID I EVEN GET AN INVITATION

Baby boy: yes we did

Baby boy: i showed it to you like 3 weeks ago

Baby boy: and you said great and never talked abt it after

Daddy: ...,,,

Sakamoto: uninvited

Daddy: PLS NO

Daddy: iwas busy

Daddy: probably

Sakamoto: i forgive you

Sakamoto: if you give me 5000$ as a wedding gift

Daddy: do i look rich

Takasubi: second awkward silence of the day

Daddy: LMAOO fair

Daddy: i was already planning on giving you something expensive but fine

Takasubi: damn i need to get married soon

Daddy: zura says you have to be the one to propose

Takasubi: fine by me

Daddy: he just screamed

Daddy: OH FUCK THE OFFICER SAW THE PHONE

Daddy: GOODBYE ILY ALL

Takasubi: bye dkdkskskks

Sakamoto: i hate them

Baby boy: same but its entertaining so

Sakamoto: yeahhhh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didnt take me a month to update WOW character development
> 
> Not to sound greedy but 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> comment pls i miss your comments


	31. You just need time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halfway thru the chapter i realized i had written sakamata instead of sakamoto everywhere so i it took me an hour more to write this smh bdndkksekh

Daddy: this is a headass event only

Daddy: like sometimes im talking and in the midst of it i forget what i was talking about

Daddy: LIKE WHILE IM TALKING

Daddy: my mind just goes...blank

Daddy: or sometimes i get distracted by my breathing pattern and just stop whatever im doing to focus on that

Daddy: but its not on purpose? Idk im a headass

Queen™: what the fuck is wrong with you

Daddy: YOURE BACK

Queen™: the queen’s back everyone bow the fuck down

Daddy: okay wait i just noticed something

Daddy: in august 1st you were *SPOILER ALERT* a queen in your past lifetime

Daddy: AND YOUR USERNAME IS QUEEN

Daddy: jenn might just be a genius?

Daddy: btw go read august 1st ;)

Queen™: shut uppppp annoying ass

Daddy: how was your trip

Queen™: grEAT

Daddy: nice

Daddy: what did you two do

Queen™: we had sex

Daddy: why do I even bother at this point

Queen™: NDKSOWIEN

Queen™: seriously we didnt go far

Queen™: we cant afford overseas trips like a certain someone

Daddy: -____-

Queen™: it was like two towns over idk was fun

Queen™: was relaxing too

Daddy: good im glad

Queen™: thank you my kind sir

Daddy: anytime

* * *

 

The man: eum guys

The man: shinpachi wants me to add him

The man: if its okay with you all?

Takasubi: why

The man: he says he needs help

Takasubi: LMAO he isnt asking the right people but go ahead

_The man added Glasses Nerd to the conversation._

Sakamoto: NSKSKSOA???

Sakamoto: you really went ahead and dragged yourself into the mud just like that

Baby boy: ohhhh Hi Shinpachi

Baby boy: we saw each other a couple of time but i dont really know you so hi!!! how are you!!!

Glasses Nerd: im doing awful actually so yeah, how about you?

Baby boy: heck

Sakamoto: whats up

Takasubi: spill were ready to...help? I guess

Daddy: o just got here to see my boyyyy

Daddy: whats up patsuan spill that tea

Glasses Nerd: its not tea...just an issue i have about myself

Glasses Nerd: i thought you lots could somehow give me advice

Glasses Nerd: but i dont know if thats much of an idea anymore

Sakamoto: cmon we helped plenty of people before right guys

The man: yeah! And we just got out of prison too!!!

Takasubi: now why did you have to say that

The man: it slipped out?

Glasses Nerd: .....,,,

Glasses Nerd: anyway just gonna go right ahead if yall dont mind this is kinda uncomfy for me

Daddy: sure were listening

Baby boy: dont be afraid we nice i swear

Sakamoto: dont be!!! youre gonna be just fine

Glasses Nerd: soo long story short im a bit confused with my sexuality at the moment and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with it...its like i cant even accept myself? I keep denying my feelings and things like that...

Glasses Nerd: i think i might be bi? (Takasugi i know you are too so...your advice would mean a lot) but i dont know maybe im just confused? I can’t imagine myself bi but idk arghhgh is this bad?

Glasses Nerd: and if I was indeed bi i could never come out to my friends and family and though they would surely be supportive i just could not

Glasses Nerd: im a coward wow

Sakamoto: sugi the stage is yours (for now i’ll be taking over after)

Takasubi: omg Shinpachi...

Takasubi: you remind me of myself at your age...

Takasubi: i was exactly like that, I was so scared!!!

Takasubi: but you know what? You have all the time in the world to figure yourself out. And most importantly, you don’t need labels. Labels aren’t obligatory, you know? Just love whoever you want, figure yourself out, live your damn life without having to put a name on it!

Takasubi: whats cool with love is that you don’t decide who you fall in love with and only time will tell you who you truly are

Takasubi: if thats being straight, bi, gay, pansexual or aromantic or anything!!! Everything is okay

Takasubi: and once you feel confortable enough with the real you, trust me, you will feel so good and you will surely assume it and coming out will seem like the easiest thing in the world!!!

Takasubi: as long as you have supportive people around you (cough, us, cough) youre gonna be just fine I SWEAR

Sakamoto: i went thru this too

Sakamoto: i thought i was bi at some point

Sakamoto: but after some time passed, I realized I wasnt actually. I was, still am, as straight as a pole

Sakamoto: this is to say that even if youre in the wrong path, theres nothing bad about it

Sakamoto: YOU decide who you are, so coming back on your steps is more than okay!

Sakamoto: just trust yourself

Daddy: yall making me cry i wish someone had told me this back in the days

The man: wow i never sugi this serious

Glasses Nerd: thank you? SO MUCH

Glasses Nerd: i feel less...burdened with this whole thing now, I really do

Glasses Nerd: this was surprisingly helpful

Takasubi: my bi ass is happy to hear that

Takasubi: if you ever need help fucking hit me up my dude

Baby boy: yall so cute ooo

Glasses Nerd: will dooo

Glasses Nerd: thank you

 _Glasses Nerd has left the conversation_.

Daddy: WHY DID HE LEAVE

Daddy: HE USED US

Sakamoto: top 10 anime betrayals

Takasubi: i use my wise words once a year and I wasted them for this

Takasubi: what kind of disrespect

The man: well he did say he was not confortable here  
  
The man: must be why he left right after

Takasubi: oh

Takasubi: he just messaged me in priv

Takasubi: GOOD

Takasubi: my smart advice wasnt a waste after all

Sakamoto: yeah

Daddy: gotta make that money so goodbye

Takasubi: bye book nerd

Daddy: fuck off at least i can read

Takasubi: NDKSKSOAO????

Sakamoto: crackhead

Baby boy: bye gintoki im gonna visit later on

Daddy: YEAHHHHH

Baby boy: xoxo

Daddy: i love you soulmate

The man: gross

* * *

 

Queen™: i would, once again, like to congratulate the bride and groom for their LIT marriage

Queen™: cant believe i got to dress fancy, drink, dance and scream my love for Mutsu into a mic LEGALLY

Queen™: truly a dream came true

Mum~: yeah it was fun

Mum~: the food was great

Mum~: super fancy looking venue was nice

Mum~: the alcohol? You guessed it, 100% in quality

Queen™: comedy king

Queen™: you made me laugh

Mum~: i know were literally lying next to each other in your bed

Queen™: ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Queen™: gimme a kiss

Mum~: you are drunk miss

Queen™: so are you

Mum~: hummm true

Queen™: lets get married like that too

Mum~: sounds great to me

Queen™: i luv u

Mum~: go to sleep

* * *

 

Daddy: ah really an unforgettable reception

Daddy: sakamoto, youre not gonna see this yet since youre on your way to the honeymoon but im really happy for you

Daddy: the wedding was perfect i deadass cried during your vows

Baby boy: yeah...you and mustu really love each other its beautiful

The man: AHHH I KNOW

The man: i cried SO hard when he told her he would be nothing without her

The man: he’s such a romantic...you fool im crying again

Baby boy: i wish you all the best again sakamutsu!!!

Daddy: yes if you two ever just THINK of divorce i will personally kill myself

The man: me too tbh

Baby boy: okay lets not be dramatic

Baby boy: but me too honestly

The man: going to sleep now...i love you all

Daddy: me too night xxxxxxx

Baby boy: night you drunk asses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakamutsu out there outselling all of our faves phew 
> 
> Shinpachi is me in this NSKSKSK im a fuck up who cant figure herself out goodbye world i hate myself so bad
> 
> Your comments mean the absolute world to me and everyone who comments immediately owns my heart no question asked i love you!!!!
> 
> Okay so I think I might end the fic soon...maybe give it 2/3 more chapters. What yall think about that?


	32. Hijigin invented being in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been a long timeeee hoes welcome back
> 
> My friend shared her asexual sakamoto headcanons with me and??? Yes. So she suggested I include it in the fic and I did<3

The man: the best remedy to crushing anxiety is ice cream

Takasubi: thats only a temporary solution you know that right?

The man: wow way to fucking ruin a mood

Takasubi: i just wanna make sure youre aware of the anxiety coming back once that bowl of ice cream is finished

The man: i hate you

The man: i love you

Takasubi: he

* * *

 

Sakamoto: hi

Daddy: OOP

Daddy: THE MAN HIMSELF

The man: going straight to the point: how was the sex

Sakamoto: eh.

Sakamoto: HATE to break it to you

Sakamoto: but uhhhhaahhe

Sakamoto: im a

Sakamoto: UHHHHEE

The man: i think I broke him

Daddy: are you like, okay

Sakamoto: i really thought yall knew?

Sakamoto: im a

Queen™: he’s asexual you fuvking ugly dumbasses

Queen™: how can you NOT know that

Daddy: HE’S WHAT NOW

The man: since when he never told us

Sakamoto: how does Kagura know then?

Queen™: you told us like 2 years ago or something???

Queen™: but you were gone drunk

Queen™: and so were these assholes

The man: first of all . fuck you

The man: second of all . what?

Daddy: i dont remember

Sakamoto: its not a big deal

Sakamoto: i dont mind

Sakamoto: just dont talk about me having sex or something makes me feel weird

Sakamoto: hearing about you all is good for me but about myself nuh huh

The man: okay oh god im sorry if we made you uncomfortable !!:!!:

Daddy: yeah:( im love you sakamoto

Sakamoto: awww im love you too

The man: how was the honey moon

Sakamoto: GREAT

Sakamoto: Mutsu really is the love of my life...

Queen™: AWWI

Daddy: im so happy for you

The man: me too!!!

Sakamoto: luv u too

* * *

 

Queen™: i have this great idea

Mum~: i dont like the sound of this but go on

Queen™: lets get all of you to your og usernames~

The man: YES

The man: JUST A BIG FAT YES

 _The man changed their name for fruitpunchsamurai_.

Fruitpunchsamurai: i missed you my first born son

Queen™: what the fuck

_Fruitpunchsamurai changed Daddy’s name for Strawberrymilk._

Strawberrymilk: ON GOD

_Fruitpunchsamurai changed Sakamoto’s name for Sakamoto（＾ω＾)._

Fruitpunchsamurai: SO CUTE

_Fruitpunchsamurai changed Baby boy’s name for Hijikata._

Strawberrymilk: THE GOOD STUFF IS COMING DMDKSK

_Fruitpunchsamurai changed Takasubi’s name for destroyeverything._

Sakamoto（＾ω＾): JDKDKSOSEO

Strawberrymilk: WISH I. COULD BREATHEEE

Queen™: yall forgot one

 _Queen™ changed Mum~’s name for Sadist_.

Fruitpunchsamurai: the family is complete

Queen™: FAMILY

Strawberrymilk: we really are

Sakamoto（＾ω＾）: waaa we really came a long way

Hijikata: hi everyone

Hijikata: i have something to announce

Queen™: im scared...?

Strawberrymilk: NOT NOW HIJI

Hijikata: but you said today

Strawberrymilk: not good timing

Strawberrymilk: were waiting for Sugi’s reaction

Sadist: his og username’s really destroyeverything

Fruitpunchsamurai: YEAH

Fruitpunchsamurai: i swear i laughed so hard when gintoki created the group chat

Strawberrymilk: feels like forever ago

Destroyeverything: who do I have to kill

Destroyeverything: YALL CANT COME OFFLINE BC YOU FEEL THREATENED

Destroyeverything: i know where you live . all of you

Fruitpunchsamurai: it was kagura

Queen™: ZURA

Sadist: its everyone for themselves and i have one question : why

Sadist: sugi isnt even scary

Fruitpunchsamurai: he has swords

Strawberrymilk: yeah what if he shoves it up Zura’s ass and he likes it?

Strawberrymilk: we cant go thru another discovery of one of his kinks

Strawberrymilk: WE CANT

Strawberrymilk: were not strong enough

Fruitpunchsamurai: WE WERE HAVING A MOMENT

Fruitpunchsamurai: you ruined it

Fruitpunchsamurai: I literally breathed

Sadist: cant wait til we terminate this group chat.

* * *

 

Hijikata: today is the day

Strawberrymilk: YES BABY IT IS

Destroyeverything: the day of what

Destroyeverything: yall been hiding something havent you...

Hijikata: yes we have and i apologize for being secretive but here it is

Hijikata: gintoki and I have been planning something big for the past few weeks (or months? dont really know) and its finally coming to terms

Strawberrymilk: IM SO EXCITED TELL THEM TELL THEM

Queen™: okay wth

Fruitpunchsamurai: dont trust this...

Fruitpunchsamurai: Hijikata isnt pregnant is he?

Queen™: i really fucking hope this is a joke

Fruitpunchsamurai: what?

Destroyeverything: omg shut up heteros

Fruitpunchsamurai: rude

Hijikata: Gintoki and I are going to travel the world for a year, we are leaving in a week!!!!

Hijikata: and once we come back, were gonna move in together at MY place :)

Strawberrymilk: at mine but whatever

Strawberrymilk: MUCH EXCITE!!!

Hijikata: i love you so much im glad im doing this with you:(((

Strawberrymilk: BABY

Destroyeverything: im so fucking jealous i dont even know what to answer

Fruitpunchsamurai: SUGI WHY ARENT YOU RICH

Fruitpunchsamurai: this could literally be us but we lowkey hate each other and we broke:////

Destroyeverything: facts

Queen™: OH MY GOD??

Queen™: this is...the epitome of being in love

Queen™: travelling the world with the love of your life? Your other half? THE ONE THAT MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST? fuckfuckfudj

Queen™: you are in love

Hijikata: thank you

Strawberrymilk: also can I say??? I’m notpaying for everything

Strawberrymilk: i wanted to spoil Hijikata and do that but he threatened to leave me if I did

Strawberrymilk: were splitting most of everything

Hijikata: i cant bear letting you pay

Hijikata: i dont want that

Fruitpunchsamurai: hijikata is such a good person and a good boyfriend

Fruitpunchsamurai: their relationship is better than ours in every aspect im mad

Destroyeverything: i’ll take you out in the world and let you pay one day baby

Fruitpunchsamurai: nvm hoe they already did that

Fruitpunchsamurai: they invented travelling and being in love

Destroyeverything: well shit i’ll buy you spicy ramen then

Fruitpunchsamurai: interesting offer ...

Fruitpunchsamurai: accepted

Hijikata: anyway iloveyousomuchgintokiiwoulddieforyou

Strawberrymilk: UGHSJSJ YOUR MIND

Destroyeverything: fuck em

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter up before finals on Hiji’s birthday and then there will be only one left!!!!


	33. We going to CANADA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 300 kudos??? YALL REALLY DID IT 
> 
> here’s the first extra chapter ty all i love you!!!

Queen™: SOUGO WHERE ARE YOU

 

Destroyeverything: ZURA GET YOUR ASS HERE

 

Queen™: where the fuck did they go.....

 

Queen™: they were here like three minutes ago

 

Sadist: listen, I can explain

 

Destroyeverything: these words coming from you? i have never been this worried in my entire life

 

Queen™: imagine if they like.. kissed

 

Destroyeverything: LMAOOO

 

Sadist:

 

Queen™:

 

Destroyeverything:

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: SOUGO WHY ARENT YOU SAYING ANYTHING

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: this is far from what actually happened

 

Sadist: lmaoo just wanted to fuck with them

 

Queen™: anyway glad that’s cleared up

 

Queen™: i got hella scared for a second there

 

Destroyeverything: bitch me too

 

Queen™: where are you!!!!

 

Queen™: Hijikata and Gintoki are leaving very soon

 

Sadist: huh i dont think we’ll make it

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: yeah we’ll be gone for a good...two days maybe more?

 

Queen™: what..thefuck?

 

Destroyeverything: can i be worried now

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: nah

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: sougo explain pls

 

Sadist: why would I? This is all your fault

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: but im ashamed i cant do it

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: plsss im begging i’ll buy you something to eat

 

Sadist: fine

 

Sadist: so i went to the bathroom with zura since he was scared he’d get lost

 

Queen™: are you FIVE

 

Destroyeverything: why didn’t you ask me?

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: i had my reasons

 

Sadist: and on the way there a guy stops us and says he’s been searching for us everywhere

 

Sadist: zura said okay lets follow him and i was like? no wdym follow him

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: I THOUGHT GINTOKI SENT HIM OR SOMETHING

 

Sadist: let me explain you fucktard

 

Sadist: you have lost every right to talk ever since that incident

 

Fruitpunchsamurai:

 

Sadist: anyway we follow him and next thing we know were on a fucking PLANE on the way to canada

 

Queen™: you are what now

 

Sadist: were on a plane

 

Sadist: heading to canada

 

Destroyeverything: how

 

Sadist: the guy mistook us for other guys and they were flight attendants or wtv its called

 

Queen™: you absolute imbeciles

 

Queen™: you fucking IDIOTS I HATE YOU

 

Destroyeverything: I HATENDMDKSK

 

Destroyeverything: I CANT BELIEVE

 

Queen™: hijigin are leaving in what? 5 minutes for their flight and yall going to CANADA

 

Queen™: what the fuck

 

Queen™: Sougo arent you supposed to be responsible? God damn it

 

Queen™: thats it ive had it im breaking up with you

 

Sadist: you?

 

Sadist: YOU are breaking up with me?

 

Sadist: fuck off youre just mad im going to another country without you

 

Queen™: damn right i am

 

Queen™: im also mad you couldnt stay by yourselves for more than 2 minutes

 

Destroyeverything: i know were supposed to be mad but ohmy god i cant stop laughing

 

Destroyeverything: gintoki is on the floor

 

Destroyeverything: sent a photo

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: i love you ty for laughing and not being mad

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: also that photo of gintoki is hilarious im keeping it for scientific purpose

 

Queen™: im not talking to you until you’ve come back

 

Queen™: enjoy your trip, asshole

 

Sadist: thanks!

 

Destroyeverything: bring me back a souvenir baby

 

Destroyeverything: like an igloo or a leaf

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: AN IGLOO FJKDKSKS

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: YOU CLOWN

 

Destroyeverything: seriously you better bring me something back or im dislocating your jaw

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: was already planning on it xoxox

 

Destroyeverything: have a safe flight

 

Sadist: tell gintoki and hiji the same

 

Sadist: hope they have a great trip

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: yup!

 

Destroyeverything: they’re already gone

 

Sadist: fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calling out to my fellow kpop stans, especially svt...plsss rec me your fav soonseok and meanie fics a girl is starving 
> 
> Also, who’s going to see GOT7 in toronto? BC I AM!!! AND IM HYPED!!!


	34. a special gift for a special someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WENT SO SOFT FOR THIS CHAPTER I HATE IT... but i can’t help my love for Hijikata. Happy birthday to the best boy, my favourite character, my bub, my son, Hijikata Toushirou!!!!!!!! I love him somuch yall plsss he deserves all the love in the world. Lucky him, he has his boyfriend to give him the fattest, loveliest smooch. Anyway im soft

Fruitpunchsamurai: I miss Hijikata :(

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: i wish he was here so i could give him the biggest smooch

 

Queen™: god me too....

 

Sakamoto（＾ω＾): the fattest muah on his soft cheek

 

Strawberrymilk: omg you dirty whores this is my boyfriend youre talking about .

 

Queen™: no ASKED you

 

Strawberrymilk: excuse me miss who are you

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: cant you share like this once

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: i just wanna show him all the love in the world for his special day

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: and i cant do it irl bc you took him away from us

 

Sakamoto （＾ω＾) : the i miss hijikata gang just formed

 

Queen™: seriously whn are you coming back ..

 

Strawberrymilk: omg we just left? It’s been barely a week. Were gone for a year

 

Strawberrymilk: also you miss Hiji but not me?

 

Strawberrymilk: fucking rude i hate you

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: he’s our favourite what do you want us to say

 

Strawberrymilk: fine i get the message,,i was planning on skyping yall but nvm you dont deserve it

 

Queen™: GINTOKI I MISS YOU!!!!!

 

Sakamoto （＾ω＾）: GIN OH WHEN ARE YOU BACK I MISS YOUR FACE

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: come back quick gintoki how will i survive without you :(

 

Strawberrymilk: LMAOO yall some fake ass bitches huh.

 

Strawberrymilk: anyway thats better than nothing ! Will call once sougo and sugi log in

 

Destroyeverything: i was stalking the convo c’mon boy call us

 

Queen™: will resolve the issue in 5 seconds

 

Sadist: I was forced to come here

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: the power Kags holds...oof

 

Strawberrymilk: calling now ^-^

 

_**Strawberrymilk** is calling **.**_

 

**_Strawberrymilk, Destroyeverything, Fruitpunchsamurai, Queen™, Sakamoto（＾ω＾）_ ** _and **Sadist** joined the video call._

 

-x-

 

"OH MY GOD HIJI YOU LOOK STUNNING!" Zura’s loud voice blasted through everyone’s speakers right when the diffusion started.

 

Their faces were all squeezed on the computer screen and they seemed tinier than they actually were.

 

"Hi to you too, Katsura," Hijikata smiled and he waved to the camera. "I miss you all as well, by the way."

 

"Aww babe!"

 

"Watch your mouth Kags." Gintoki smiled through his threat and everyone laughed.

 

"Anyway, Happy birthday my favourite boy!!!! I love you so much baby!!" Kagura screamed which made the others cringe.

 

Katsura added. "Hijikata come back to us quickly so we can celebrate properly...happy birthday i truly wish you the best. I hope you have an amazing year and that Gintoki showers you with love to make up for our love."

 

Hijikata laughed softly which made Gintoki’s heart beat faster. No matter how many time he heard him simply laugh, it always tugged at his heart.

 

"Thank you i love you too Kagura and Zura. I will make this trip worth it!"

 

They all followed with nice words and wishes before falling silent.

 

"Why is this so awkward..." Sougo spoke up the first and Takasugi shushed him loudly. He looked confused but Sakamoto texted him to just wait silently.

 

"So, hum, Hiji, I—" Gintoki started. He looked at the screen and saw his friends’ expecting eyes. He could sense the encouragements they were sending him. He took a deep breath and dipped in.

 

"You know we haven’t been together for that long like...our first year anniversary hasn’t even gone by yet. But, I love you so much, you know that right? I have never loved anyone like I love you and I have witnesses to tell you." Hijikata looked at the screen and everyone nodded. He smiled.

 

"Hijikata, I was wondering if you love me as much as I do and perhaps you don’t because what I feel is truly incomparable. My heart hurts just thinking about you and your beautiful face. Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough for you, like I’m not worthy of your love. But that does not stop me from loving every inch of you with every inch of me. Do you...maybe, do you think we are soulmates as well? I know I do."

 

"Of course, you are my one and true soulmate, Gintoki." Hijikata grabbed his cheek affectionately. Gintoki leaned in his touch and sighed pleasantly.

 

"Well then, I was wondering how I could make your birthday special. And— and I hesitated because no gift would be enough to express how grateful I am you were ever born. In the end, I opted for this," His hand fished out a box out of his pocket and his flashed it opened for the content to be seen. He heard Hijikata gasp.

 

"You can say no if you want I’ll still love you, you know that right? I would never force you into anything you aren’t comfortab—" Gintoki couldn’t finish his sentence when a pair of lips smashed into his. The sound of ewws and screaming resonated and bounced off the walls. 

 

"Oh my god who could i ever say no? Do you—do you even know how long I’ve thought about this? About us getting married?" He was crying. He was crying so hard and it wasn’t long before Gintoki followed. "This is the best birthday gift ever...I’m—it’s a yes, always a yes for you.”

 

They kissed once again and after being congratulated by everyone, they closed the laptop, ending the video call.

 

-x-

 

Queen™: so who’s gonna wipe my tears for me

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: same like i thought i cried when mutsu and sakamoto got married? boo boo the fool

 

Queen™: gosh me too

 

Destroyeverything: imagine being this in love...i can almost relate

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: omg should i be sad

 

Destroyeverything: babe pls...you know no one can top their love

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: fair

 

Sakamoto（＾ω＾）: where are they even atm

 

Queen™: Gintoki mentioned something about Thailand?

 

Destroyeverything: odmdlellele this is so romantic

 

Destroyeverything: getting proposed on your birthday in thailand OOF im sweating from my eyes

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: stoppp me too

 

Sadist: im happy for them but ngl that whole thing was awkward

 

Sadist: are we really going to ignore the fact that we all know they had sex right after they ended the call....

 

Queen™: you always ruin everything

 

Sadist: shut up

 

Queen™: im still angry at you

 

Sadist: you werent saying that yesterday

 

Sakamoto （＾ω＾）: and thats where we are going to stop

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: JDKDKDO

 

Destroyeverything: anyway im going to sleep!!! Happy birthday Hiji again ily and congrats to you and your fiance

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: OOF FIANCE THATS SO SEXY

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: goodnight and ily!!! Happy bday

 

Sadist: yup

 

Queen™: NIGHTY NIGHT

 

Sakamoto（＾ω＾）: hijikata youre my fav and im really happy for you and gintoki happy birthday have a good night

 

Strawberrymilk: he would say thx but he can’t come online for....reasons

 

Queen™: DONT TEXT WHILE HAVING SEX

 

Destroyeverything: Kdkleeloweowo my lungs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i truly couldn’t skip over the proposal and just make it thru text so....i hope yall dont hate me from breaking the fic style for a bit


	35. Chicken day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY? I WAS GONE FOR SO LONG. I never meant to stretch it out for so long like damn this fic shouldve ended wayyyy back. But im a headass forgive me. If you hate me its okay i understand :( anyway, a short chapter for Zura’s birthday!!!!!! I love him v much i wish he knew that

Strawberrymilk: hi happy birthday zura i guess

 

Queen™: yeah happy bday whatever

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: BITCH??? HOW DARE YOU

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: i will personally come to your houses and kill you

 

Strawberrymilk: do it you coward

 

Queen™: my door’s unlocked

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: why do you hate me

 

Hijikata: i didnt know it’s your birthday!!!!!!

 

Strawberrymilk: it isnt important thats why you didnt know

 

Hijikata: youre so mean

 

Strawberrymilk: okay

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: where’s Sugi i need love :(

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: IM SAD BC OF YOU.

 

Strawberrymilk: see if i care

 

Destroyeverything: morning

 

Destroyeverything: why do you need love

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: its literally??...my birthday but go off

 

Destroyeverything: please say sike.....

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: you did not forget pls tell me you didnt

 

Strawberrymilk: see Hijikata? I may be mean but at least i didnt forget

 

Strawberrymilk: and i was the first to wish a happy bday

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: dont care youre mean

 

Hijikata: i hope you have a really nice day Zura!!!!!!

 

Destroyeverything: my one braincell trying to come up with an excuse

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: THANKS HIJIKATA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOURE MY ONLY FRIEND

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: and im breaking up with you sugi

 

Destroyeverything: im just kidding you know i’d never forget

 

Destroyeverything: i have, in fact, prepared something for you

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: owo

 

Destroyeverything: pls come to my house

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: OWO BE RIGHT THERE

 

* * *

 

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: my uwus...i busted all my uwus

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: Sugi is the most romantic man in the whole wide world

 

Hijikata: what he do

 

Strawberrymilk: no offense but he can literally not dethrone my birthday gift for hiji

 

Hijikata: shut

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: ok so i get to his place right? And when i enter theres chicken. Chicken everywhere

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: like the food. theres fried chicken, spicy chicken everything!

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: RIGHT NOW WERE EATING CHICKEN

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: isnt this the most romantic thing youve ever heard?

 

Queen™: your standards are so low its sad

 

Queen™: youre happy over this? THIS IS THE BARE MINIMUM

 

Destroyeverything: girl...do not go there

 

Destroyeverything: i put a lot of thought into it

 

Hijikata: thought? You mean you didnt cook the food yourself

 

Destroyeverything: do i look like i can even boil water without dying

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: he tried once and it ended up badly

 

Strawberrymilk: KDKDKS CHICKEN FUCKING CHICKEN

 

Strawberrymilk: my birthday gift for you is better than your boyfriend’s

 

Strawberrymilk: embarrassing

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: what is it

 

Strawberrymilk: a threesome with hijikata and I

 

Hijikata: a WHAT

 

Strawberrymilk: kidding babe you know i’d never torture you like that

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: fuck off

 

Strawberrymilk: its the Percy Jackson book series

 

Strawberrymilk: like...all of the books

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: YOU DID NOT

 

Strawberrymilk: i sure as hell did

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: SAKATA GINTOKI IF YOU ARE PLAYING WITH ME I WILL STRANGLE YOU

 

Strawberrymilk: i swear i did come over and get them

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: FUCK CHICKEN IM COMING

 

Destroyeverything: he just ran out

 

Destroyeverything: fuck you gintoki you ruined everything

 

Strawberrymilk: im a better boyfriend than you and im not even his boyfriend

 

Destroyeverything: i try

 

* * *

 

 

Sakamoto（＾ω＾): to end the day i would like to say happy birthday Zura!!!!

 

Sadist: yeah have a goodnight! You drank way too much alcohol

 

Destroyeverything: dont worry fellas i will take card of him

 

Strawberrymilk: pls he almost kill himself on the bridge on the way back

 

Strawberrymilk; i cant stop laughing he is a mess fkfkdkkdkdkd

 

Queen™: ive never seen him this drunk

 

Sadist: well he is getting old

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: WHAT DOES THAT HVE GO DO WITBH ANGHFITHJNG

 

Strawberrymilk: GO TO SLEEP

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: when yoy sayg you loev me

 

Strawberrymilk: loev

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: pls everynoe

 

Queen™: i love you you giant baby now sleep

 

Sakamoto（＾ω＾): love you dumbass

 

Sadist: im not saying that

 

Hijikata: we love v v much Katsura happy birthday again

 

Strawberrymilk: I LOVE YOU UGLY ASS WHORE NOW GO TO SLEEEEP

 

Destroyeverything: i love you sososo much you make me so happy i love YOU my heart is yours forever NOW come to bed im begging you

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: okay i love you ALL TOO SO VRY MCHUB YOU DONT VENE UNDERTAAND

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: happy birthsay to me

 

Destroyeverything: yah happy birthday to you

 

Fruitpunchsamurai: i love you

 

Destroyeverything: i know

 

Destroyeverything: me too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also on the 28th, it marks the a year since I posted the first chapter of this fic! I can’t believe it. It’s my most popular fic and im really happy so many people have enjoyed it. I love you all so muchhhhhh

**Author's Note:**

> Some of those are inspired by irl conversations with my friends lmaooo
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated :)


End file.
